tired

[arpy1]

hey tired, i am holding your hand too... you did well, and i don't blame you for feeling upset. know what you mean about the way some folks treat mental illness and stuff, my B is one, and he is so dismissive and hurtful i went NC earlier this year. 

going places, - yep, i am the same.  going to the shops for too long gets me anxious. i know exactly how you feel. and the socks thing, too ( my thing is clean crockery!).  you're not alone in these things.

what you say about the one leg thing, well, it's not that different. my ex was in a wheelchair for most of our marriage and some people were appalling towards him. 

probable some people just don't like or maybe fear anyone who is different or who requires them to look at difficult things. self compassion is an art form we all need to cultivate to be able to cope with those types.

however, we do have allies, and people who are kind, even tho sometimes it feels they are in the minority.  another reason why this forum is so valuable. and we are your allies, dear heart.  big  to you

[tired]

Thank you
I usually cope with that feeling of being alone by withdrawing from everyone but this way if I don't feel alone with my problems maybe I won't withdraw. There's nothing necessarily wrong with being a hermit but I have to work. If I win the big jackpot lottery I will change my name and buy a cabin somewhere but so far I haven't had the guts to walk up to a lottery counter. That's just too much human contact. 

I have two clients today. I have one friend I've talked about who was a vet and I feel like he's either annoyed with me or worried and I can't tell because he's hard to read and I'm paranoid. It's depressing me and scaring me. Like I don't know if I'm going to be abandoned in the middle of a war zone which is what my life is right now.

My mother sent me a package of crap. Yeah ok a gift box but it's all crap and I wanted money. Sounds horrible but that's all I want. I'm a monster for being so hateful.

[arpy1]

not a monster, just poor  ... !  never mind, a gift pack is better than a spit in the eye, i guess -  was there anything nice in it??

the lottery would be wonderful, oh yeah. but like you say, ticket needed pref without having to go to a shop...   ...sigh...

would you ever feel able to ask your vet friend if he is upset so you can get rid of that bit of worry?   

[Kizzie]

My mother sent me a package of crap. Yeah ok a gift box but it's all crap and I wanted money.  Sounds horrible but that's all I want. I'm a monster for being so hateful.

OMG, my NPDM used to send us parcels of crap all the time and I would feel so guilty for not being grateful. Then I figured out the parcels had everything to do with her addiction to shopping (she loved anything on sale so we received some very strange items over the years), and more importantly her being a covert Narcissist (what a good, loving M because she sends parcels, never mind that it was nothing we needed or wanted or that she bought with us in mind).  FWIW your reaction is probably spot on.   

[tired]

My mother is asking family members to ask me if I got her package . I finally said enough of this. It's silly.

Work is going really well. I feel like I know what I'm doing. I think what changed is that I'm doing it my way rather than trying to be someone I'm not.  I thought, I will just offer what I know, my best self, and charge what I have to charge to survive, and see what happens.   My goal which is almost within reach is 300 a week, not much, but for me it's a lot. I've never had a job.

Instead of focusing on what I'm not and where I'm lacking (that's a long list!) I'm just doing what I'm good at.  It's ok to specialize right?  Haha.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

I'm just doing what I'm good at.  It's ok to specialize right?  Haha.

 

[tired]

arpy:  there were some horrible and somewhat revealing pieces of clothing and a bag of nuts. i wish i was joking. i guess it could be benign; sending me some clothes she found at goodwill is not totally out of character and gifts of food aren't either. but when you think about how she basically called me a whore, it sounds more fitting to say she sent me some slutty clothes and a sack of nuts.

and i have asked my friend a lot if he's angry and he always says no. it almost became a weekly ritual over the years.  i finally decided that i shouldn't ask anymore. he once said, i'm not angry because i get where you're coming from and because you do so much for me.  i don't know if he understands completely but i think he understands how a person might act one way or another and because of that is very forgiving generally.   and also i know, now, that i feel guilty when i'm angry at him subconsciously and the reason for that is because i don't want to be angry at my mom and i'd rather be angry at anyone else in the world.  i feel guilty when i can't be honest with myself and put the blame where it belongs.  the guilt is that tiny voice saying you know better than to stay in denial; you've been through too much therapy and you know better.

[Indigochild]

Ive been away so missed the convo on this thread, but Arpy1, I'm sorry for all this that has happened / is happening.

feel guilty when i can't be honest with myself and put the blame where it belongs.  the guilt is that tiny voice saying you know better than to stay in denial; you've been through too much therapy and you know better.

My thoughts are that it takes time. I would try not to be so hard on yourself, if you can.
Recovery is a process, and just because you know what you *should do*, doesnt mean you are actually *ready* to do it yet. Its a total journey and its ok to be stuck in a stage for however long it takes. Sometimes, knowledge isn't enough to take away the pain.
Blaming your mum is hard! Accepting the harsh reality is hard!
Maybe your inner child is having a hard time with it. I have been told by my T, that the inner child is always hopeful for change and for things to be better, even though your adult self might know different.
You are only human to want your mum to be the one who isn't to blame.
I have hardly started and i still cant blame my und Npd mum.
So yeah, i understand the guilt. During flashbacks, I feel a split, one side - the logical adult sane side, may know its a flashback, but the feelings persist and they get let out on the wrong people.
It takes time. (i hope that sounded encouraging and not like a lecture. Lecture wasnt what i was aiming for) 

[tired]

I don't feel like a nice person right now. Sometimes I do things that aren't in line with my kindest self . I get a little rough around the edges.  I feel bad and I feel like my mom who thinks she's funny but isn't .

Been having nightmares about yelling at my daughter and being a terrible mom.

Feeling more certain I have no desire to talk to mom.  Tired sad guilty depressed want to sleep for a week .

[Indigochild]

Hey there tired,

Im so sorry you are feeling so *.
I dont know what to say to make it better for you, but were here for you.

This might not get rid of the feeling you have of being a bad person, but I dont think you are a bad person, because you are doing recovery work, unlike your mother (if indeed she hasn't done any), and what you are doing beyond brave.
If you are feeling innately bad, i struggle with this too, so I feel bad telling you that you are not innately bad, when I have a hard time believing this myself. Nothing anyone says to me will make me believe different, but I find that this *feeling* of being bad, isn't based in logic. Still, the feeling is strong.

Maybe you feel like you mum, but you are also very different from her I'm sure, in lots of ways.
This, not doing things that are in line with you kindest self, weather you mean to you, or others or both, is not your fault, its very hard, and you were wired to be that way from your past.
You are working on it, and that counts.

Sometimes too, we can act like our parents, as we are trying to repeat trauma, and we have learned to act and respond that way. This is not our fault and learning how to deal differently is what is needed.

I am sorry about the nightmares. Seems to me that you are worried that you will yell at your daughter, anger is hard when you feel there is no place to put it and it is all consuming. Perhaps that anger is screaming to be let out.
Do you feel like a bad person for having all this anger?
Its so sad if so, but I *get it.*

By working through everything, even though it takes time, you are setting a wonderful example to your daughter, and an example of how to be kind.
Is there any way you can express all the anger inside of you safely?
I hope you daughter knows that its ok to be angry. If her mum expresses her anger in a safe way, she will learn that it is ok to do that too.

I hope that the guilt doesnt persist. I am angry too at my parents neglect and I also feel that i will never find someone who loves me or who is intreated in me. We just need to find the right people.
And its understandable that you might not want to speak to your mum.

Im so sorry for the ramble. Its hard to deconstruct from your post exactly what lead you to feel this way..and I dont want to come across as asking too many questions.

Just know that I understand, and Im here with you. You are not alone in this, although I know it can feel so.
If you can do so, take some deep breaths, and comfort that child inside of you. Do one thing that is nice for her today and dont rush yourself.   

[tired]

You are (all of you ) immensely helpful and in fact the questions are very helpful.
You ask how I can express anger in a better way and the answer is I don't know ! That's a problem!

[tired]

Indigo-Keeping everything in the front of my mind helps. You have a way of spelling it all out and that's where it can be understood and not allowed to affect me. I tend to bury things and that's a problem- uncovering it and saying yes this is what is happening makes it less of a controlling force.

[Indigochild]

tired, I am sooooo glad you say that. Huge relief!
How about hitting some pillows?
I tried this and i screamed and then when the anger subsided i shook and cried.
Even if you disassociate during, its progress.
And it will get that angry energy out of you.

I would if you can, try to feel and express and not use logic to get rid of it all- tempting i know, its a balance trying to keep things in perspective with the facts of what is happening and why, and also expressing those emotions.
Its almost impossible i find , to see *why* and where things come from- when you are *in it*.
Let us know how you are doing with this. 

[tired]

So everything was going great with my life and I got some stupid news and I got so angry I was physically ill.  Maybe it was coming down from ritalin or maybe just pure anger. 

Here's the backstory: when I was first getting divorced my niece, who is an adult, gave me a lot of pep talk and helped me here and there getting my own computer and random things like that.  So later, when she asked me to cosign on a student loan I said ok. She said no one else has good credit and at the time I did because I had been married.  She also said don't tell anyone. 

Anyway last year she didn't make her payments and got into trouble.  I should have paid it myself, I know all that but anyway.  She said it's their mistake but dad (my brother) is helping me figure it out.  I told my brother and he seemed like he didn't know about it so I said I'll just make a payment using money my mom sent me (another backstory: I have gone nc and mom sent me money perhaps to manipulate me dunno; i cashed the check anyway because i feel like she owes me. anyway.).  I made the payment and said you guys can pay me back and a week later after a bunch of shenanigans (how hard is it to mail a check?) they finally sent it. 

Then she said she talked to them and it was their mistake and I didn't need to pay, and they will fix my credit. I said ok fine.  I trusted her to fix the problem and I didn' t make payments or check the account. THen I get another message this week about the account and I asked her whatsup and she said oh they messed up with autopay. 

This morning I was baking brownies and I thought, no way.  She's full of it.  I got angry and went online and saw it was past due and not on autopay.   i had told her, next time tell me if something happens. I said I can make payments if I have to. it affects my life even if it's their mistake. I sent her a text this morning as I was waiting for the brownies to bake, asking whatsup (again) and got no answer.  so i just made a payment of almost 400 dollars.  Which is about how much I've made in this entire month. 

Anyway now I feel better since i"ve taken control of this.  I am pretty sure my brother will feel guilty and pay me back eventually and this way I feel like I am in control.  As I'm sitting here I feel like the acid in my stomach is no longer eating away at the entire inside of my body.  I was so angry, I went to riteaid to get some frosting and totally forgot about it.  i got the candy corn and the napkins and forgot the frosting. so we ended up shoving a candy corn into each brownie like a tombstone.  looks like a zombie graveyard. 

i recall what my nephew said. "why do you hate your family so much".  i think i do hate my family.  i love my kids but i hate the whole lot of my siblings and their families.  they are all lumped together because they are all involved in the same family drama and unless they cut off all contact they will be affected in ways I just can't tolerate.  you can't associate with certain types of people and hope to be normal. 

if it's possible to have a heart attack from rage it just might happen to me.  i want to cry but i have to make a halloween cat costume now.

[tired]

Noticing lately how much I give in to what others want instead of doing what I want and noticing my willingness to say no.

I'm surprised at how I feel about this, like saying no would be so easy. Surprised at how good it feels. 

Maybe I'm just fed up with being a doormat. New level achieved.