tired

[tired]

the better things get the more i get depressed. i mean overall i feel better, not depressed generally. but when something goes well i get a depressive reaction. i tell myself i wasn't perfect and of course no one is so it's probably likely that it went well but i question it.

in contrast when i mess up in a huge huge way i almost get more energized. i can relate to fixing disasters.  i know what to do when i hit rock bottom.  it makes sense to me; i'm a failure and of course i failed but i'm also a survivor so i will survive.  my definition of myself is someone who survived horrible things and now miraculously has survived against all odds. 

the truth is that some bad things happened but also i had some opportunities not everyone has, and i did ok with it more or less.

i don't know what to do with normal, which seems to be doing mostly ok, sometimes great and sometimes not great.

[tired]

New Years resolutions are all about small life skills like

I will brush my teeth every morning

I'm going to tackle one a week

[pam]

Hi Tired, I just wanted to let you know I read your journal. And give you support to stand up for your rights against your mother. I hope you don't mind me saying I'm sick of her just reading about her transparent attempts to manipulate you. She reminds me of my grandmother who's 96 and I have NC with. I felt a lot of guilt about the NC but I finally turned it around and now I say (to myself) "Hey, if she'd rather go to her grave, being all stubborn, never giving a true apology, or acknowledging any of the crap she did, that's her problem."   

[tired]

Thank you
I'm starting to feel ok about ignoring her . I feel like I needed to be away from the whole family to get away from the sort of brainwashing going on. The voices telling me I'm a terrible person for abandoning my own mother.
Breaking away and talking to people who see things differently helps. Every day  I'm away from her I feel better.

Lately I haven't been posting here and instead I've been posting in other threads. I feel guilty being so negative all the time so I don't want to put it all in one place!  I feel guilty about having so many pages of journal entries as of I'm using up too much space.

I want to tell my parents "you learned nothing from me".  I wanted them to have a chance to be parents and I tried to tell them how. I think I'm a fairly interesting person and they missed out on knowing me. I would have taken care of them in their old age. I am fun to be around and they missed out on having a daughter to chat with.

I ordered Pete walkers book on Amazon and I hope it helps. I think I'm making progress. When I look back even six months I see how much I've changed .  If I look back a year I think oh geez what was I thinking . This gives me hope. Who knows where I will be in a year.

[tired]

well i just got the book.
i had a depressing moment and i sat there thinking, i'm having an ef. what is this about. "i feel useless and stupid".  what is my reaction type right now? i don't know. freeze. 

[V]

Hi Tired, my mother was like yours and my family was like yours. I left her alone a long time ago and I don't look back anymore. She passed and I didn't go to her funeral. I hadn't felt anything for so long that it wasn't worth it. I did stay home from work and I did grieve alone for a few days. You are not a terrible person for abandoning your own mother or even just thinking about it all. It's horrible to be manipulated and to feel like you truly were never mothered in a good way. I tell my friends who have good mothers that I envy them. I felt like you for so long, confused, the guilt, the shame, the freezing ... then came the thaw and my life changed for the good. There is hope so don't give up. Continue the fight. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself daily and first. Take care of "you" because she didn't and "you" need that more than anything.

It's ok just to be whatever. You have nothing to prove to no-one. You are here, you are loved by your children and you have a right to anything anyone else does. Your mother does not have the right to emotionally abuse you so do not let her do that to you. You will have to let go completely and stop looking for her approval because it was never there. She is incapable of caring about anything but herself. And it's ok to be on your own. Many others have made it because we took care of ourselves and loved ourselves and we don't abuse ourselves with bad thoughts (well that is the goal).

Find the beauty in simple things. Be grateful for what you have in the present and move forward in life building on those grateful things. Life is beautiful and guess what? I found later in life about ten years ago, a substitute mother that needed a substitute daughter so my life has come full circle. When my mumzie passes, I will most like grieve more than I did with my own mother who was never a mother to me. I found my people and so will you but for now you might need to walk alone for awhile to find your path. You really are not alone but it feels like that for sure because there will be helpers along the way like us - but it is still and always will be, your journey.

I marvel at my age at how far I've come, never thinking I would make it this far in my life and be aware of so much. Never stop learning. My realization started very young and so did the research.

I will be back but need to run for now. Stay sweet and love yourself!

V

[tired]

My family is drawing me into drama. I responded to an email that seemed thoughtful and made me think maybe this is a turning point.

Lesson: just because someone apologizes and sounds nice, don't assume they have become the kind of person you can talk to.

I feel triggered and I also feel guilty for once triggering someone on this forum.

I ate a bunch of crap because I'm kind of a bad person and also I feel trapped in this email exchange I wish I never started with my brother. 

I suddenly realized my house is a total mess. How did this happen.

[tired]

realized some things

i'm smart but make myself sound dumb and guess what. people think i'm dumb.

if i can be ok without a mom, then i can be ok without anything. i mean whatever i think i have to have, i'm probably wrong.

i'm very impressionable somehow in that if i visualize what i want it's more likely to happen. if i have good role models in my vision i follow them and vice versa.

generally, it's not good for me to look for help. it makes me stop using my own brain. on the other hand when i get into my head i lose perspective and i get drawn into some delusional ideas and sure i know i'm doing it, but a few days can go by and i fall behind on things while i'm in this funk.  so i don't know how to handle it.  i think having only a limited number of people/books/etc to look to for guidance is probably better. 

in a week my mom will be far away from me and maybe i'll start healing.  i feel old.

[La Puma]

I'm full of rage.  I don't know what to do about it.  On any given day, I tend to disconnect from people and accept my status as a person alone, and that makes me feel a lot better.  I don't expect anyone to care and that feels like a relief.

One way to look at rage is that it can be a source of intense energy if you divert it into constructive activity.  Many people have found that exercise helps immensely, rather than just sitting there fuming and hurting and, often, sobbing.  I don't know how old you are or what your physical condition may be, but have you thought of running or fast walking, weight training, dancing (even if all by yourself), or swimming?  What I have discovered for myself is that any kind of action helps, especially if I apply the action to a problem I have been avoiding.  For me, it's probable that the rage is never going to go away (way too much **** over a long lifetime) so I try to turn that fire into constructive action.  This really helps.  And if I don't do something like that, I am apt to turn the rage on myself.  We all know how destructive that can be!

[tired]

Agreed
When i make that switch from frantic pacing or binge eating to useful action I feel a turnaround . Rage is normal or I should say inevitable. Helplessness is not.
Lately I haven't been taking action as much as I did in my younger years. I'm healthy enough to exercise someone vigorously. Or do a lot of housework that is active and satisfying like scrubbing all the floors. Sometimes having that feeling of disaster that needs a complete overhaul gives me the energy. I'm good at disasters. I'm not good at feeling helpless or letting go in the sense of not doing anything because nothing can be done.

I sometimes imagine burning or destroying sentimental things from my parents. I think about it then by the time I'm done imagining it I'm exhausted and I don't have the drive to carry it out. I prefer the actions that are productive.

[tired]

I'm tired and anxious

Thank you for all the input by the way

its Monday and I have one or two days until situations will make it very clear to mom that I won't see her. In other words in one or two days all her hope will be gone and according to my brother she will be heartbroken . How will I feel then. Better because it will be over or worse because I did a horrible thing

I saw an old dr Phil episode with a selfish mother theme. The daughters were angry and the mother seemed oblivious to the point where I felt sorry for her. I believed her when she said she didn't intentionally hurt them. One daughter said she's got something wrong in the head because she denied things and didn't sound like she was lying consciously. The daughters seemed like they had a point and all but they also seemed to lack any compassion. They were grown ups but talked like adolescents. The mom was not a mom but wasn't a monster either. Dr Phil tried to make it more sensational but it just sounded sad. It was her responsibility to be a good mom and she failed at many things but they were mean.

I guess I never wanted to confront my mother like that. She did what she did. I can't be around her because I have trouble functioning with her in my life . I can't be around a lot of things and I always struggle to function; she's one of many things that had to go. 

The mom on the show didn't have the expectations my mother has and didn't sound angry. Just confused. So I guess that's the difference. I thought my mom was just immature like the woman on the show. but the last time I saw her she blamed me for so much. I was willing to let things go but she was so mean.