tired

[tired]

Friday
I think ritalin makes me say dumb stuff. It's like it gives me ADD, makes me blurt out things. 
I don't even know if I have ADD and I don't care; I just wanted to try anything that might make me look less depressed.  Maybe I'm trying too hard to not look sad and tired and I'm drugging myself and the result is I'm not myself and that's depressing.

I think I should take it when I know I'm going to be alone and I need to get up and do a bunch of stuff.  It seems to work for that.  Especially if I have a discreet task to finish that will take a long time but doesn't require a lot of decision making.

I feel this screaming inside, and it's a violent scream that wants to destroy me, which sounds terrible but it's a reaction to something really minor.  Yeah, saying dumb stuff isn't great but it's not that bad.  I guess it's because I feel like no one understands me or cares about me.  If I say something I don't mean, I really want to say time out, let me backtrack and say what I really meant. I want to explain it the way I can explain it here. But people don't care or don't have time or don't have that kind of relationship with me.  I end up feeling alone and full of rage at the realization that no one is interested in all these details about my mind. 

Obviously it's because my parents didn't care. No interest.  You know how a kid might fall and start to cry and an adult runs over and says what happened? Then the kid gets to say what happened and how much it hurts and just saying that feels better.  Or when ordinary things happen-normally a parent notices what a kid is doing and the kid knows the parent notices.  What happens to a person when no one notices anything? 

I'm full of rage.  I don't know what to do about it.  On any given day, I tend to disconnect from people and accept my status as a person alone, and that makes me feel a lot better.  I don't expect anyone to care and that feels like a relief.

[Kizzie]

On any given day, I tend to disconnect from people and accept my status as a person alone, and that makes me feel a lot better.  I don't expect anyone to care and that feels like a relief.

So sorry you are feeling so down and alone tired    I've felt that relief too when someone rejects me. As you say it's almost as though it's expected, everything is as it should be, it's normal.

But it's not normal.  And somewhere deep inside we know that because of all the anger and grief that keeps seeping out no matter how hard we try and stuff it down. It needs out, it needs to be heard, processed, and what better place than here where everyone gets it.

You are not quite so alone any more tired, I hope your heart hears that. 

[tired]

Saturday

Yesterday I went to the store for food for comfort.  It's comforting because it makes me feel like a stranger cares about me, like when the barista makes me a latte-a creamy cup of something that tastes good and will wake me up later.  Then I realized I'm starting to feel that way here.  It needs to be strangers because small talk makes me anxious.  I worry about what I'm saying and I do better if the conversation is either controllable (I can think before I speak) or structured like when I order a latte. 

I started out having anxiety on the forum and felt like I don't belong.  Like I'm trying to work my way into a group that doesn't want me or pretends to like me but really sees me as an outsider.

I ended up eating a lot but it wasn't satisfying in the same way.  I guess that's a good thing. I was so bloated I went to bed early. I made a list when I woke up.  Several lists actually. 

--list of problems I need to solve, such as "I don't do things in the right order in the morning" and "I haven't been exercising".  Then I wrote lists of ways to fix those problems such as "what to do after my alarm goes off" 
--list of things I need to get at the store and which store has them
--list of things I'm avoiding that I really need to do
--list of things that can be done on the computer

I put on a toolbelt and put a pen and pencil in the pocket, and when I remember something I should do I write it. Or something that worries me, that I imagine I should do.  Or something I want to do but when I write it I realize maybe I should put it off.

I washed the dishes first because it's clearly urgent and important. 

I got a computer program that rings a school bell (or other programmable sound from a list of sound files) at whatever time you set it to. So I have a bell that rings on the hour.   I made different bells so for example, the lunch bell is different from the whistle that signals workout time.  I homeschool so for now I'm thinking of it as something I do for my child but I'm hoping I can follow it too. It's easier for me to do things for others and anyway I can't function unless my child is set. I learned that the hard way. 

I have a few extra ritalin because I didn't take a lot last month so I thought I'll take a tiny dose every 4 hours and get a lot done and make today a "regroup and plan" day.  I think I took too much because I noticed once I start a task I can't stop.  It would have been great if I had two hours of dishes to wash!  It makes it hard to shift gears.  Which might make this entry very long.

Kizze: I have trouble accepting help and encouragement and any sign of positive feeling from others.  I am great at listening to the content of what is said and understanding it.  Just not good at saying "thank you".  But it helps so much.  Being told I'm not alone makes me sad. I don't know why. It's true and it's good but it makes me sad and I don't feel like I want to totally accept it and I don't know why. It makes no logical sense. 

[Kizzie]

Kizze: I have trouble accepting help and encouragement and any sign of positive feeling from others.  I am great at listening to the content of what is said and understanding it.  Just not good at saying "thank you".  But it helps so much.  Being told I'm not alone makes me sad. I don't know why. It's true and it's good but it makes me sad and I don't feel like I want to totally accept it and I don't know why. It makes no logical sense.

I hear you Tired and it just is what it is as with so much in CPTSD    We won't abandon you here and knowing that may help over time.   

[tired]

Sunday

I woke up depressed and feeling guilty about spending too much and not paying bills. Avoiding responsibility.  I'm trying to work more and sometimes I wonder, why can't I get it together? Then I realize, well maybe because I don't have socks. Or maybe getting paper towels will make my day go smoother.  Then I go and buy stuff and tell myself I will organize, regroup, and emerge as a success. 

Yesterday I tried to get a lot done and I did get some good things finished but I got sidetracked a lot. Surprising considering I took ritalin.  Maybe it was too low a dose. I have a prescription for 5 mg and I worry about running out so I only take half at a time usually.  I like to have a few extra.

I think when I'm avoiding a task I get depressed and whenever I think of doing it I get depressed. Like my phone bill.  For some reason I'm over my text limit and I thought I had unlimited texts so I have to go online and see what's going on. I've never had this happen before and something inside me is feeling scared and paranoid in a totally irrational way. 

I'm behind on so many things and instead of dealing with it and being careful I buy more things.  I have this idea that if only my house were tidy, if I were tidy, things wouldn't be this way. People who pay their bills on time don't have a pile of trash in their basement. I'm not trying to be martha stewart and even if I were I'm about two years away from that.  It's just, right now I don't have any linens on the bed because I was too tired to put them back on last night after I washed them, and I went to the drugstore to get some dish soap because I was out, but before I went I didn't brush my hair or anything. Just threw a sweatshirt on over my pajamas.  Not that in our culture that's such a big deal.  Sunday morning at a drugstore, who's going to care.  Before I went, I had been up for awhile. Instead of brushing my teeth and having breakfast like normal people I got up and started organizing the basement laundry area.  I took the cleaning supplies and put them on a shelf.  Now, my area looks great. However, the back room of the basement has a big pile of junk on the floor.  Trash, broken glass, candles, paint, good stuff in there that has to be sorted. Some days, I'm great at that.  It's like, my specialty.  But today I feel depressed and useless.

I have two clients tomorrow so maybe I should get their folders together and pay the bills and maybe I'll feel better. Maybe part of my brain is saying, forget the basement and do the more important stuff first.

[tired]

I am getting paranoid about the possibility of mom coming over and the possibility that I might let her so I can yell at her.  I have to ignore the situation and avoid the drama.

Getting fat.  Not exaggerating.

Not understanding why everyone else loves her even though she treats them badly as well.

[tired]

I am starting to get a few fitness clients and I am terrified of failure.  I sometimes neglect to write down my plan. It scares me somehow.  Certain random things related to being organized terrify me. I wish I had a buddy to remind me and calm me. I tried getting a personal assistant but that isnt'working out.

I want someone to just touch base and hold me accountable.   I feel so scared now. I had a client yesterday tell me she felt great, energized etc then I did a workout with her and she said her back felt strained and I thought, great, one step forward two steps back.  I'm careless with people. If I had been calmer I would have thought it through differently. I'm scared.

I feel like there is no one out there who can help me. The only person I thought of was my teenage daughter which really isn't the person to ask. 

I feel like I don't need much, I just need something. Like here, it's not like people here are therapists.  It's a small thing to answer a post. But it makes a big impact. I respond quickly to small things.  I wish there was a service out there where someone could just say "tell me about what you need to do and I will ask you tomorrow if you did it". 

[Dutch Uncle]

I wish there was a service out there where someone could just say "tell me about what you need to do and I will ask you tomorrow if you did it".

Start a thread. Who knows what it might bring.

When is your mom coming?

[tired]

That's a thought.  An anonymous person will be less likely to trigger me or upset me.

Here's the situation:  My mom lives outside the country and last night she arrived in the country and is now with my siblings.  It is only a matter of time before she tries to contact me.  She'll probably use someone else's phone to "trap" me; she's done this before.  I get a call from my sister in law or niece or something and I answer thinking, oh wow, I'm getting a friendly phone call. Then it's her voice. Or I will get a call saying I got mom a ticket and she will be at the airport near you next Thursday at 5pm or whatever.  If I'm lucky it will be more a situation where they tell me she's too tired to visit and I should go there. But I doubt it because she knows I won't and if she wants to see me she has to come here. 

[Dutch Uncle]

A yes, moms who do the 'I'll just bust in' trick.

Any ideas yourself on how the handle the different scenario's?
If she arrives by plane, how long is he likely to stay? Will she expect a sleep over?

Any ideas on how you could pro-actively avoid a scenario you definitely not want to happen?

[tired]

She would stay probably a week and stay here.  But I can't let that happen.  I think I will just have to say to anyone who informs me of her plans, "this is not a good time" and they will be forced to change her ticket or whatever it is they want to do. Not my problem right?

[Dutch Uncle]

She would stay probably a week and stay here.  But I can't let that happen.  I think I will just have to say to anyone who informs me of her plans, "this is not a good time" and they will be forced to change her ticket or whatever it is they want to do. Not my problem right?

Awesome. Right!
If she arrives unannounced at the airport, via some sibling who 'arranged' it, and is passing 'the buck' unto you without any consultation: Sibling's doing, sibling's 'fix it'. You'll be resented for it, that's the backlash. Put possibly worth it.
Any possibility of letting mom know in advance you're 'out of town', or simply too busy?

When did mom inform you of her travel? Or didn't she, and you heard this through the grapevine? If the latter, it might be easier to say "Sorry, can't do, my schedule doesn't allow it."

[tired]

I heard through a mass email that she arrived. 
I"m not talking to her anymore at all; it's been two years.  I feel like they've resented me so much that I'm immune to it now!  I figure there's nothing I can do anymore to make anyone think highly of me. 

I guess I will say something like, if I want her to visit I'll arrange it myself with her. And then of course I won't arrange anything. It's no one's business; it's between me and her and she knows what she did. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Sounds like a plan. 

[tired]

I don't want to do anything today.  I started cleaning the basement. Usually something that I enjoy, organizing. But it's sunny outside and I feel like it's a waste of time. 

I want to eat but I can't think of anything. I am having a day where I want to be served food. I got a vanilla latte but the man who gave it too me didn't smile much.  I went to get a pastry but didn't find anything so I ordered a grilled sandwich and the guy was nicer.  So I felt satisfied. 

I have one client a day and that makes me feel like I have a lot of time to myself. I had 3 in a row once and it felt like *.  Each client takes about an hour and a half, so let's say I worked 5 hours or so. Not a lot.  I do have a child at home but still. I am lazy.

I can't think straight and I keep getting depressed.

I put some notecards and pens next to my bed so when I"m holed up in my room I can at least make a to do list.  I made a shopping list but forgot to take it and ended up buying some basement shelves.  I like feeling like I have control but it didn't work.

The phone rang and I thought it might be my mother so I didn't answer. Was someone wanting to train.  Same thing happened last night.  Which is worse, her calling me or her not calling.  I guess I want to know what's going to happen.