Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2015, 11:52:55 AM »
Yes, revenge (and by extension: anger) is not allowed. "A negative connotation". Just like: "Oh, you blame your parents/past for everything." One is not allowed to 'pass blame' either.

I think key is: "To * with all those judgmental assertions. Yes, I'm angry, yes I would like to get revenge, even if I know revenge would not solve anything. So I know I won't act on it. But yes, I accept the emotion. :pissed: Yes, I have a dark side too. To * with it, and I wish my abuser to * as well."

There is this bias one can only be a "good person", a "whole" person, if one doesn't feel anger, vengeful or simply pissed off at any time of day, year or life.
That's simply a goal that with absolute certainty will never be reached. No human has ever walked on this planet who pulled that off.
So why would I pretend I can do better?

In an odd coincidence: This night I woke up with their thought: "My true self doesn't want to live in a house of chaos." And it was a very peaceful thought, no distress at all over the chaos that does exist.
True self. Never have I had those words in my head. (disclaimer: I've not been reading and writing in English so much as the past two years. So it's not that weird I've not thought of "True Self" earlier  ;) ) It felt oddly good.

When (re)searching for "how to break up with your dysfunctional family" I came across an article that said: "Going NC with a family member is like death, but without the closure." I think the articles I posted address the same issue.
There will not be closure. Never.
There is no fairy-tale "and they lived happily ever after" for many things in life, like the article said.
I guess that doesn't have to mean there can be no "and separately they lived happily ever after."
I'll toast to that. :cheers:

Psst… Secretly I want them to live a life of misery ever after…gnagnagna.

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Dyess

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2015, 01:00:40 PM »
"I guess that doesn't have to mean there can be no "and separately they lived happily ever after."
Exactly. Glad you are getting some clarity to your decision and feelings toward moving forward. Baby steps :)
For me knowing what I'm dealing with helps me to understand the cause/why, identify the problem, and find a way to repair or adjust,  tolerate, let go of. There's no need to keep something that is so broken and without sentimental value to make clutter in our lives. But in your case I would still want to prove them wrong, if for nothing else my validation that I am a good person, I can do well, and I have let go/moved on from your miserable life. Good work!

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tired

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2015, 01:37:23 PM »
The closure is that you don't need them

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2015, 02:01:12 PM »
The closure is that you don't need them
:yeahthat:

(I guess. The trauma bond is still strong. But I'm getting there.  :thumbup: Thanks for the heads up.)

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2015, 02:22:43 PM »
But in your case I would still want to prove them wrong, if for nothing else my validation that I am a good person, I can do well, and I have let go/moved on from your miserable life. Good work!
This has me a bit puzzled.
Or should I take this along the line of: "Living well is the best revenge."?
I see the value in that. But again: revenge.  ;)

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Dyess

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2015, 03:04:26 PM »
But I think it's an indirect revenge. It's not something that will cause harm to them other than their pride, if they have any. Maybe Karma would be better. You do the best you can for yourself and let Karma take care of the rest :) They win if you don't do this. Just find happiness and do something you enjoy , prove them wrong. I know you can do this, I know you are a good person. Look how much you give of yourself to others here in the forum and they are strangers, but you want to help them heal and this is helping you heal also.
DO you ever sleep?

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #21 on: November 04, 2015, 03:21:34 PM »
DO you ever sleep?
Yes. I get my eight hours.  ;D  Maybe not in one go, and certainly not with regular 'bed-times', but I do get them.

Thanks for your kind words. Much appreciated, and I dare say: needed.  :wave:

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Dyess

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Re: Anger vs. Being deeply, emotionally hurt
« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2015, 05:02:47 PM »
It was my pleasure and totally the truth, I have no reason to tell you anything different. It takes a special person to devote so much time and effort to helping others, it takes a good person with a caring heart, and it doesn't get much better than that :)