Grab bag

[RavenMuse]

I have a specific point of trauma at 15 with abuse from my father that was obviously traumatic, before and after he was terribly controlling and I recall sometime around age 10 going from looking forward to coming home to fearing.

Moved out at 18 and married at 19. Was my escape but then I didn't recognize it as that. 23 I had my first son and at 25 he was dx with a severe case of autism and MR. I would never hear him speak and spend the next 16 yrs battling non stop behaviors that were off the charts. Never a day off, a vacation.

I had no idea I had ptsd or complex ptsd or it was developing. I never had a chance to worry about me. 2nd son came and before his 1st birthday 1st husband left us with parting words "your family won't let you starve." He never came back to see the kids ever again. Just as well as I had several domestic issues and was scared to death.

My many health issues started to come out about then.
Eventually married again another 10 years it eventually went and he left us homeless and me and boys had to live in three different places. More serious health issues loss of two homes two husband's and off and on issues with my parents whom I could never seem to find the strength to cut off for good.
The past 5 years has been some of the worst finding myself stuck in a very abusive relationship dealing with domestic violence and no clear way out. Just found out I had this complex ptsd and it feels like it is from a grab bag of traumas over a very long period of time.

I cannot point to one thing or one time and say "ah hah! That's it, that is the cause!" After learning about some of this it seems I have been living with this thinking this was
Normal, I was just a very anxious jumpy survivor who got sick a lot and in physical pain all the time for various other reasons - which I might be I just don't know anymore."

One thing is woefully clear - we are sadly not greatly people very well who do need help and resources are slim and limited.