AnnBelievesInWhales Journal

[annbelievesinwhales]

Ugh. I hate recovery work so much. Cause it is work. A full time job reminding myself of the things that other people have known since they were children. It's not that i feel behind so much as swindled! This is unfair! Why do i have to do all this darn work. Learning to self regulate after 30 years of not sucks! I want to thrown a tantrum. Arrgh dumb trauma, stupid parents! For so many years anger was so off limits to me but it feels kinda fun now that i have boundaries and can allow myself anger at the injustice of this whole crazy life. I;m allowed to have feelings. Things are getting better but my goodness it's not fast enough for me.

I've been reading about childhood emotional neglect and really getting into the habit of looking inwards and asking myself what I am feeling which is not what I learned. I've been outward focused on everyone and everything my entire life. It feels good to feel like a person now. The more i ask about and care about me, to realize that I have a million feelings besides empty and depressed (ooooo I recently learned that feeling empty for me means i have feelings that I've previously learned are unacceptable that i'm ignoring and squashing down! that was a major revelation) the more I'm beginning to get to know me, to feel compassion for myself to validate myself for the first time in my life. How much better that feels than the hatred and shame i've known 95% of my life.

It's getting better. It is frustrating and slower than molasses recovery but it's getting better. It really kind of miraculous that 28 years of crap can start to make headway in 2 and a half really. It's like losing weight. It took decades of coping with food and overeating to gain 100 lbs, and even though the journey feels like it takes forever, all that weight can be lost in 10 months to a year. Bodies are miraculously resilient, and so is my mind and body. I can heal from this trauma. I'm glad to type this post so next week when I'm invariably down in the dumps again I'll remember that hope returns. Yay!

[Dutch Uncle]

Nice one. 

[woodsgnome]

AnnBelievesInWhales wrote:

"It feels good to feel like a person now."

You nailed it! Becoming that person is what it's all about. Despite frustration about the "full-time job" this recovery business becomes. And seeing the promise of living as that new person, finally feeling safe enough to emerge from hiding.

One of the hardest things to accept is that to feel good, or at least better, the recovery trail might lead through heaps of frustration, exhaustion, and hopelessness. But, as you also noted:

"Bodies are miraculously resilient, and so is my mind and body. I can heal". May you continue, and enjoy being allowed to find yourself for the first time. It's as you said, in this important reminder:

"...when I'm invariably down in the dumps again I'll remember that hope returns." 

 

[arpy1]

that makes me feel happy too, ABIW, thanks for sharing 

[annbelievesinwhales]

Thanks for reading guys.

And on to the down day that I knew would come. However, it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be so that's nice to realize.

I'm frustrated about a few things.

I am so lonely. This technically is easy. Go out, do something, talk to pple, joke, invite them out, do it a few times, bam new friends. But I'm just missing that emotional connection. I want to get something out of relationships with pple other than fear. I want warmth, growth, love, fun, real connection. I've seen it all my life but I've never felt it. I know I'm not broken, I know this is what I learned and it will take even longer to learn something new but it's so lonely in the meanwhile. So freaking lonely. I have no real connections and attachments I enjoy. Well my sister and my therapist and yes a friend. But I want to learn how to feel comforted and supported. I look at my life and there are a few who could be good healthy friends for me but I don't know how to be different with others. To open up. Ugh. I'm so tired of doing all the work and yes I know I've progressed immensely I'm happy about it but this is just going so slowly and I want so much more in my life. I know this is a lifelong thing but I would be devastated if i am struggling to this extent in another 2 or 3 years. I'm working hard and it has to get markedly better. I no longer want to just survive barely, but to thrive.

Next I need a job. Relying on others, especially the toxic that have contributed to this horror that is my life (some time exaggerating is so cathartic,) is degrading on so many levels. I just... don't know how. I need to escape.

I want love. Like romantic love and sex but that doesn't happen for people who can't open up to others. Ugh

I want to lose weight.

I just don't want to be empty anymore. I want full emotional experience. I want sadness and fear and anger and joy and boredom. I want my life to mean something to me. I want to be invested in it and excited by it. I want it all.

And I want it tomorrow.



-Ann

Also- I hateeeeeee (but secretly love) that now the food, computer, phone, driving, isolation, avoidance, etc. no longer do it for me. Thank you therapy. My old coping mechanisms no longer work. That's awesome but I need to replace them with healthy things or I'm gonna go crazy.

[annbelievesinwhales]

ugh

feeling down again this morning kind of. it's almost like i can't say that totally seriously anymore. everytime i feel down i smile because i know it's getting better even when i'm sad and frustrated. my lows now are no where near my lows from before.

but still i do feel low today. i want to feel like an adult i can rely on. i want to feel independent like i can care for myself, but  always feel childlike and dependent. parents encourage autonomy (at least in my individualistic society) but i never got that. i was told how bad iwas at everything and all the things i couldn't do.

i know my feelings don't dictate what i do but i wish they could catch up with my reality. i can care for myself. i guess i'll just keep acting on my values and hope that feeling will come sooner or later.


also i have options. i rarely problem solve. i don't immediately see a solution i just give up. i've learned to just give up. nothing in life works out, nothing goes my way, nothing i do is right enough or good enough. those are my thoughts at least, what i've been led to believe. but maybe i can learn a lot from these challenges. maybe i just need a new perspective and some help.

[Dutch Uncle]

i've learned to just give up. [...]
maybe i just need a new perspective and some help.

Have you seen this? http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/LearnedHelplessness.html

It's definitely a 'trait' I have picked up along the way...

[annbelievesinwhales]

Dutch Uncle,

yes! I definitely resonate with learned helplessness. i really struggle with feeling in control. It's hard because even though it's much better now, i still have the initial desire to compare and should myself when I think i'm not where I should be, etc. How have you started to feel more in control? or if not feel just, i don't know, be lol?

[woodsgnome]

Hey, AnnBelievesInWhales,

I was feeling the same moodiness today, melancholy is one apt description. I'm coming down from a treadmill of positive/negative, hopeful/hopeless, feelings following a whirlwind of creative energy. It involves my usual achilles heel--people. And there again, the whirlwind circles back to where I was--want closeness, back off; feel like I can, give up in the end. It's such a grind, and it's so constant, so predictable.

So I wandered a bit aimlessly, looked at some stuff I stored on youtube, and found a fellow I highly regard for his fresh out of the mainstream views. I know I've posted some of his material here elsewhere, but for me at least he resonates, gets me past lots of self-imposed blockages. No answers, just some other way to process the feelings. Here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byRYKW0pDuc&feature=em-subs_digest