Dreaming about Nfamily (NM mainly) every single night

[flyingfree]

Since going NC with NM, I have been having dreams every single night, either about my dysfunctional family, or specifically about NM. Some of these are straight up nightmares; other times, they are just dreams about my situation (ie. not being able to attend family events because of NC with NM, past situations showing the dynamics of Nfamily).

Often the nightmares are an old trauma re-playing, but me having reactions true to who I am now (ie. becoming angry, standing up for myself, seeing the injustice in the situation). Either way they're traumatic and I usually wake up and have to have a big cry, either then or if I have to get up, later in the day.

Last night I had dreams throughout the night; I remember at one point waking up and I was shaking violently for some reason. Unfortunately I don't remember the content of the dream. I wasn't cold or anything, just quivering. I then fell asleep, dreamt some more about NM trying to violate my NC (common theme of my dreams lately, which is weird because she has dropped me like a hot potato since NC), then woke up again.

Anyway...this is doing my head in a bit. It's tiring and it's making me very emotional. I can see the good in it - that I am processing trauma and grieving it - but I really want just one night of really good sleep. Has anyone experienced this? Does it ever get better??

[arpy1]

yep, flyingfree, every night, virtually.

i don't know, but i am hoping it gets better as i stop trying to run away from or numb out from the feelings. i wake up in a flashback mode nearly every day and this last few days have tried at some point during the day to stay in my body and feel the feelings, instead of panicking and trying to 'stop' them. that has been leading to great sadness but somehow that feels cleaner than fleeing.

i also would appreciate tips! it's a bit day-wrecking isn't it??

[I like vanilla]

I have been NC with my NM, her flying monkeys, and much of my family for several years (there is much overlap between the flying monkeys and the family).

I did have the same types of nightmares. I agree, I think it is a way of processing the trauma. I speculate too that, at least for me, it might have been the more co-dependent part of myself 'seeking out' the old patterns. By going NC I opted out of the abuse. But I think part of me was so used to it that that part of me had to 'find' it somewhere; I had not yet learned how to live without chaos and trauma. That 'somewhere' seems to have been in my dreams. I hope that made sense. 

For me, the dreams did diminish over time, both as I worked with a T to process the trauma while awake and as I found new patterns of interacting with people and conducting my life. Unfortunately, that trigger does, however, still seem to be active in me. A few months ago, totally out of the blue the NM sent several mailings to me soliciting donations for charities she is apparently now active in. I shredded the mail and dumped it in the recycling bin. But, I was back to nightmares and being unable to get a good night's sleep. Fortunately, this time the bad dreams went away more quickly than before. I would be just as happy to not find out if it would be less the next time as I would prefer no next time at all, but I do not have control over my NM's actions. I can hope that she will finally give up and refrain from responding when she tries to get me back on her hook (something that will never happen).

[flyingfree]

Thanks for your responses. It's a relief to know that I'm not alone.

Arpy, yes it is day wrecking! I've been in EF mode lately and it's been really hard. Some days I can centre in on the feelings and be ok because I can face them. Other days, I feel quite depressed and instead of handling that, I start disassociating really badly. It's pretty exhausting. In addition, my anxiety is really bad too. Fun....

ILV, I understand what you mean about trying to 'find' the abuse. I feel like my life is quite 'empty' without it, and I'm not sure what to fill the empty space with, if that makes sense. But again I am also convinced that the dreams are trauma processing.

I'm sorry that your NM contacted you again. My NM has gone in full on ignore mode so far which is good for me. But I suspect it won't always be that way. It's triggering having to deal with it though, and I'm finding even dealing with other family members difficult and anxiety inducing.

[arpy1]

'about trying to 'find' the abuse. I feel like my life is quite 'empty' without it, and I'm not sure what to fill the empty space with, if that makes sense.'

yes, i know what you mean. it's a weird and horrible side effect of not feeling so dreadful sometimes...seems unfair, doesn't it!!!!?

i understand the theory that it's becos physiologically our bodies have been programmed to live on high alert, but it is still a real job trying to de-programme; i guess it helps to remember that something that has been a physiological 'habit' for decades isn't going to disappear in a month or two.  keep working on it.... 

[Indigochild]

Flying free,
It sucks that you are struggling with the nightmares. I do believe it is your mind trying to process trauma. Perhaps the shaking when you woke was your body processing trauma, because apparently you shake when you process trauma, but maybe not always.
I hope it gets easier for you and I'm sorry i dont know what to recommend.

I dont think I have terrible terrible nightmares as in, in a Cptsd way, only day mares- flashbacks - lots of them...but-
I relate to what you say because I have had nightmares about my NM too for a long time, and since going no contact, I have had LOTS.
And a lot of the time i cant remember which bit of the awful dream had her in it such as, what she said or did in the dream-
but i know she was in it and i know i was scared.

My T said that when you have lived in fear, you become scared of things ie. of being in the house alone...of all sorts of things- thats whats happening to me in my case anyway, so maybe the nightmares are your minds way of creating the fear that its so used to?

When i am very stressed and in flashbacks a lot, I dream about Natzis, and concentration camps as they scare me a lot. I dream that I am hiding in plane sight and have to stay silent and still because if not they will find me. I can be on the street wrapped in a shawl and trying not to scream or run - because if i do any of those things, they will know I'm Jwsish / or well, me- and they will get me.
A lot of it involves hiding in a house and them pulling up outside and i have to duck down beneath the window.
One dream, i was running and running upstairs to an attack to hide. Terrifying. These dreams are really terrifying.
And to tell them to my partner- they seem like nothing! But they are so scary.

Writing this helped me draw connections- I do worry my NM will come in her car and take me away, destroying everything.
And as a child I was screaming inside and know one would hear me. I wasnt allowed to show fear or any emotions.
And i wanted to hide who i was, still do.

Do you guys think that I am processing trauma- even if the dreams are not involving actual real memories of things that DID happen to me?

When I wake up, I feel...odd...as though there is a sour taste in my mind...as though it will infect the entire day with its awfulness.
The dreams feel so long like they have lasted all night and waking up just doesn't feel pleasant, it feels...yucky- tainted.

ps. I have more of an outer critic...not by choice- so maybe i am projecting my fears etc. onto this natzi thing- and that is why i am not having actual memories of abuse in my dreams? What do you lot think?

[Dutch Uncle]

@ Indogo:

I don't read too much in my dreams. I think dreams are ways of the brain to make non-sensical sense of things that didn't make sense. If that makes any sense  . As I have heard a neuroscientist once say: "That's why you get away with everything in your dreams." For example flying (which I do in dreams), living submerged under water for days (which I do in my dreams) etc.
Does this mean I once fell out of a four story building or have drowned and was resuscitated? No, on both accounts.

I don't know exactly what abuse you have suffered, but my guess is (regarding dreams) that emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, spiritual abuse (i.e. all the non physical abuse) are hard to make sense of in real life (i.e. consciously) and thus ones unconscious tries to make sense of it, as well as during the day, but more prominently while sleeping, since the 'ratio' is not present to discard the non-sensical stuff.

I guess that physical abuse, if sufficiently surprised, might emerge in dreams. But that doesn't mean that all dreams refer to abuse that has been repressed.

Perhaps your Nazi dreams are even reminders of the times you did successfully escape your abusive NM. Where your fear and subsequent 'flight' did prove to be successful.
I guess that even if dreams end horribly, it's important to consciously make oneself aware that it was a dream, and we are safe in the present now.
That can be a hard task to perform. But it is the truth in the present. A nasty dream is in the end, 'just' a dream. Very real still, but the reality of it is that it's a nasty dream.

[Indigochild]

Hey Dutch Uncle,
Thanks a lot for offering you thoughts.

You are right about not reading too much into your dreams, and I do think they are a way to make sense of the day and of life events.
My inner child is shocked at my mums abandonment - even though abandoned before...this time she doesnt want *anything* to do with me- which really, she never did, just this is making me really accept that fact.
So yes, even though i know she may be a narc etc. i find myself in disbelief at my life, after being so unhappy for years and thinking that i deserved to feel that way and that it was all my fault- I cant believe what the truth is fully.

You are right about the type of abuse suffered.
That makes sense about the mind not being able to make sense of it. You dont know which is up and which is down aparently with emotional abuse and the thinking is all wrong that you have.

Maybe, i dont remember any times where i managed to escape NM. I was *never* allowed to fight, and I could never run away.
Maybe i escaped more abuse by staying quiet or out of her way, and maybe this is what the dream represents. I could never please her.

When the dreams like these are over, i know I'm safe in the present- away from the dream, but yes it is important to practise this.

I just wondered what people thought was going on with this, and why i have repeated dreams of being chased by Natzis. I guess its normal after going no contact, to dream about your abusers.

[arpy1]

indigo,  this is just  a thought i had:

i wonder whether in you dreams, your mum is represented by the implacable, powerful nazi soldiers, becos you are hiding and/or trying desperately not to be noticed. which sounds from what you say, the way you were with your mum, you knew you couldn't escape if she caught you so you did your best to keep quiet and keep out of her way.  just maybe it's a different way for your brain to try to process the deep fear she obviously inculcated into you over the years. 

maybe i am totally off target, but for myself, i know all my running away dreams are basically to do with trying to escape from the JP, no matter what form they take.

[Indigochild]

Thank you Arpy1


That makes a lot of sense. I find that my fears are made into other things- or projected into different images - because I cant remember the trauma and i cant remember feeling the fear in all its full force.
Maybe that is why the film made about the concentration camps freaked me out so much and not just because it is hideous what happened.
I have a lot of fears about her comming to get me- like the natzis do, smashing down doors and dragging me away.
To cut a long story short- i have been afraid of this woman who ended her life, fearing she is in my house and that she will fling herself at me and will kill me.
i think i see my mum sometimes - at night, and in the house- just stood there like she is in my dreams. She always said i will always be found out. I think maybe fears from the past are being projected basically into images and frightening things that could happen in my head-
since i had a reminder of the original traumas-
so maybe this Natzi thing is where I'm uncontiously projecting the fear instead of fearing NM.

Thanks for that. I will talk to T about it and see what she thinks as she told me about how I'm afraid of everything because I was so afraid growing up, and now being afraid of all sorts even if there is no real danger anymore- my mind is scramming out to me to look at the fear-
and also, being afraid and hypervigelant is a pattern I'm used to , so i guess my mind wants to carry it on for familiarity and to also feel safe.

I really appreciate your input. 

[arpy1]

 

and now being afraid of all sorts even if there is no real danger anymore-

-oh yeah, i seriously know where you're coming from on that one!! it is so hard to believe no one can hurt me here and now. 

[flyingfree]

This thread is interesting! I don't like to overthink the dreams too much if I can, but Indigo, what you said about the Nazi dream makes sense, and I'm sorry you're having them! That sounds awful.

I definitely have 'fear' around random things - fear that I never used to have. I thought I was getting more anxious as I got older but it makes sense that some of that fear is misplaced from what I experienced.

I had a dream last night that involved me trying to 'escape' from NM who was trying to talk to me and touch me. I had a huge fear/stress response to the dream, the typical 'trying to run away but my legs are lead' and 'trying to drive away but can't get the car to work' type stuff. Ugh. It's totally just a stress outlet dream that happens to have NM in it...

My mother was a boundary-buster and tended to invite herself into my life, so it was a pretty typical dream in terms of her behaviour.

Ugh. tired and brain fog today....sorry if my reply does not make much sense. I feel like my life is one big EF at the moment.

[Indigochild]

Agreed Arpy1, I hope you can find some peace of mind some day 

[Indigochild]

Hi there flying free
and thank you very much for your input on this.

Im glad you think it makes sense.
My partner doesnt think they sound too bad and wonders why they are scary to me, he said that i tell him of my dreams sometimes and they dont seem that scary, but i always ay they were.
Definatley- the fear  you have dissociated from all your life in whatever way you did- is now leaking out as it cant be contained anymore, maybe it wants to be looked at-
maybe it wants to be understood and heard.
Maybe the disasociation you once employed isn't working as strongly anymore which can happen.

I am also sorry you have these scary dreams.
Maybe this dream resembles how things were for you back then with your NM- you couldnt run away.
Ah yes just read down about the boundary buster she was. makes sense.

Your reply makes perfect sense.
Hey, thank you for taking the time to reply despite your flashback and brain fog. I hope you are feeling better.

[sleepingwolf]

Flyingfree:
I'm sorry to hear about your nightmares. I suffer from that too, for quite a few years now. As you say, they can be really quite destructive to the day. I can find myself lost in mulling over the dream or the situation hours after waking up. I find the mornings so confusing and unusual too, and with a difficult dream this becomes much worse. Something that has helped, that I've just started doing, is when I wake up I do a meditation love practice. Its to imagine a small Golden orb/circle in your chest, which is love for yourself, and you slowly watch it grow larger and larger, until the glow covers your whole body. If you can concentrate on this growing glow, and let all other thoughts come and go, then thats the meditation part I guess. It gives feelings of love to the morning, and kind of balances the weird/nastiness of any nightmares and dreams.


Indigo:
I too have a symbolic connection to Nazis. I wonder if its a common theme for those who have suffered trauma. I've always found it odd that I've had that, like you say, that the Nazis are somehow 'out to get you'. Thanks very much for sharing, it makes me feel more connected. 
P.S - Have you done any artwork on this before? I paint historical figurines for a living, so I've painted many WW2 Germans and quite a few 'Nazi' types. Its quite a weird and scary experience sometimes, but I feel its helped me to explore the Historical event, and set myself aside from that a little.