Help appreciated

[Trees]

I am yet one more person with those kinds of chores hanging over my head.  When I am feeling semi-rational, I try to break a  big chore (pay the bills) down into smaller bits (pay one bill only).  Getting just one tiny thing done sometimes even generates enough energy to do one more tiny thing,etc.

One time I was able to become a loving elder to my inner child and showed her how easy it was to clean the kitchen and how much better she would feel then.  But I've had trouble repeating that.

[tired]

I had to checks in the house so I deposited those from my phone. One was rejected because the person scribbled the amount and it wasn't legible.  Somehow that made me feel better because now I have a reason in case she says why didn't you cash that check.

I feel so fat and that makes me not want to do things but I have to focus on being responsible and not self indulgent meaning feeling sorry for myself.

Adding to the list urgently need to get water softener salt.  And have coffee.

[tired]

Trees: I do try to get something done when I'm in a better mood. Hard to know when that is though.

[Ehopf1]

I also have a hard time dealing with general life. When the truth came out about what my family did to me i became public enemy number 1. Majority of my family i have broken contact with. The only person i am stillforced to communicate with is my mother. She is extremely mentally abusive. The problem is that i have been physically disabled since i have been a child. I have to rely on her for money so i can survive. If my friend wouldn't have intervened and got me out of the house when he did i would have killed myself. I started with emdr therapy which didn't work. Talk therapy isn't going much better because i dont trust my therapist. As far as medication there is nothing pharmaceutical that i can take. Last year i was treated for heavy metals poisoning. I almost died from it. Now my body doesn't respond well to medication. I get the worst side effects of everything. I dont deal well with general public. My service dog is a God send to me! If it wasn't for her i couldn't even function. My life is in utter chaos. My support network and family are my friends. I stay with my friends most of the time because I'm afraid to be alone. My whole life all i ever known is people harming me. Mentally, physically, and sexually. I stay with my best friend alot. He is a police officer. I ride the beat with him once a week. I feel safe with him and he feels the same with me. I have been through extensive combat training. I am not afraid of being killed because i dont feel like i have much to live for. I have accepted GOD into my life and I'm not afraid of dyeing because i know I'm going home to heaven! I will gladly give my life for my friends and my country. My life is a living *. I dont know how to deal with most things. Getting shot at is easier for me to deal with then what my family has done to me. Is it wrong to feel that I dont want to deal with serious medical and mental problems any more? By no means am i suicidal. Just tired of living this lifetime of pain and misery.

[tired]

When things feel impossible the only thing I can rely on is faith.  I look back and remember feeling like I couldn't possibly leave my marriage and live in a house by myself.  It seemed crazy impossible.  And now I'm here. So I just tell myself, I don't know how I'm going to do this but I know that sometimes unexpected things happen. 

The other thing I try to do is find a higher meaning. I know that no one knows what that is for certain but for me it's understanding my own mind.  Not my kooky mind that does things I don't know how to control, but the other part that is standing off to the side and observing. No one can take that part of me away from me.  My mind can go wonky, my body might become disabled in many ways, and my external environment can fall apart. But there is still something left. I guess that's all I hold on to.

What hurts though is that all the external things I can't control affect my relationships.  Maybe if I become homeless and eat out of dumpsters I can still be happy deep down and even  not care if I live or die.  My spirit is calm. But if that happens I will have to give up my relationships with people I care about and then what.  Sure I can detatch from my parents and a lot of friends but there is one friend and my kids and I don't know what kind of meaning life would have without them.