Feel like I'm 'going mad - inner critic and low self worth

[Indigochild]

Aw Boatsetsailrose,

That is so lovely, thank you for that!
Do you mind me asking, when and how did it happen for you?

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
Well it's been a background thing and it's not always the case but I feel there has been a shift -
Um since I did the work with child trauma therapist
Self
Compassion being a hot topic - I can post a link to a website she recommended if u would like
Getting more awareness
This forum
P walker book
And doing other spiritual things - at the mo am doing transformational breath work in a group -
I think what p walker says about it's not just the cognitive healing that needs to take place but the emotional healing too -
The wounds need to be worked on with the right therapist / healer to shrink
That bad core we feel
Reading about shame is good too
Get a good book on it and what to do about it
Spiritual help is a good aid for me - it gives me the truth

[arpy1]

indigo oh yeah, i know exactly what you mean about being the only one who truly is worthless/flawed/useless/guilty/whatever else the Bitch throws in my face. definitely. and i am unable to do the mental gymnastics required to unbelieve it at the moment.

slowly though, i am trying to turn that feeling back on the perpetrators, and believe that the only reason i believe it is becos it was in their best interests that i did. so i am not exactly challenging the belief, more recognising where it came from and giving it back? if that makes sense? becos for me, that robs it of power. and stops it from frightening me into freezecollapse mode. and funnily enough, it is diminishing a little bit. so that has to be good!

i also relate to believing everyone else who is in this battle really was worthy.... so i can believe it for you, if you can believe it for me... that way, we both have someone believe in us. gotta help, hasn't it??

[Indigochild]

Boatsetsailrose

Thanks for sharing. I hope the shift continues to stay strong.
Its normal to go back and forth in recovery.

If you wouldnt mind posting the link i would really like to have a look at it, thanks a lot.
I will get some books on shame too.
Your group sounds interesting.
Looks like I'm on the right track. 

[Indigochild]

Arpy1, OMG.

I cant believe you think the same way as I do, and whilst it is comforting, that is very sad to hear for you.

How are you turning that feeling back on the perpetrators?
How true:
he only reason i believe it is becos it was in their best interests that i did.

so i am not exactly challenging the belief, more recognising where it came from and giving it back? if that makes sense? becos for me, that robs it of power. and stops it from frightening me into freezecollapse mode.
This makes sense....how do you trust that you are right to tell yourself that the beliefs are wrong?
You are wrong...but how do you tell yourself that when you dont believe it?
I have this feeling that my mum will storm into my life, and tell me I should get my head out of dream land, where the story is that my parents abused me, and look at myself, look at the truth that is that i am worthless.
I fear being good to myself because of what could happen ie. others hurt me themselves.
Do you basically tell yourself that you are not worthless- in the moment, even if it seems like a big lie that isn't true?
Hope that makes sense.

Thanks a lot, I believe it for you, and thanks for believing it for me too. 

[arpy1]

it does make sense, and no, i don't just do the 'telling myself the opposite' thingy - for me it doesn't work, becos i spent years in the cult doing the 'positive thinking' thing and so it has just become another frightening, guilt-laden trigger for me.

so the only way i can make any progress seems to be by sort of remembering who made me believe it in the first place. and then remembering all the terrible damage they did to me. and then remembering that they had to make me feel worthless so that they could abuse me with impunity. and the big THEREFORE that follows is to question critically the whole belief of my own worthlessness....

it's hard to explain, but, like, i'm not exactly trying to stop the feelings; i am trying to see the reason why i feel them and give responsibility for creating them back where it belongs. 

despite decades of trying, i never have much success trying to 'stop' feelings anyway. it's better, kinder to myself if i just look at them and try to co-exist with them without panicking.


i don't know, it just helps to ground me back into reality.  as i say, trying to force myself to 'believe the positive' just doesn't makes me worse.  i guess i am trying to learn the art of critical thinking (not as in being critical, but in being able to 'critique' intelligently the things i have always believed becos i was taught to)

funny, when you mention your mum storming in to berate you, well, in my head it's N, the cult leader, or L, a particularly scary lady i was close to who was like a surrogate mum for me for years till she turned her bile on me.  i used to call it the N on my shoulder, like a little gremlin shouting horrible things at me all the time!

[Indigochild]

Hey Arpy1
Thanks for explaining.
It makes sense about it being frightening, and about the guilt. Also about why you dont tell yourself those things as it doesnt work and i get why.

It helps me to think of the fact that my mum is undiagnosed NPD. To remember that therapist said i was emotionally abused etc.
but sometimes its hard for me to believe the facts and to see them as facts.
Maybe it helps if you have memories, which i dont have completely at the moment.

I have the habit of thinking that maybe I was hurt etc. and maybe mum was messed up and dad too etc. but i am a worthless being - not because of what i fail to do or do wrongly- but because i just am, was born like that- and even though i never chose to be born that way- i should still be ashamed of it, because the world wont tolerate the fact that i never chose to be this way- same as my mum didnt.
Even if its not my fault- people wont even want to look at me because of what i am deep down inside.

I hope i can grasp the truth one day- but maybe that will be harder than this lie i have created (if it is indeed a lie)...but the truth will be the door and the opening to hopefully a happier life etc.

I am glad you look at feelings the way you do. That is how to deal with them
I will work on this in therapy.
It seems that if i feel feelings, things go hay wire in my life. LOTS  to work on here.!!

Yes- this is great!
learn the art of critical thinking (not as in being critical, but in being able to 'critique' intelligently the things i have always believed becos i was taught to)
What makes me angry is that these things may last forever. Comforting in a way as its all i have ever known, but also mad at the people who made me think these things that might not be true about myself and about life and that whilst i may one day think-
that they did it to me, it wasnt true what i think about myself etc. -
I may still feel it every day.

Haha, the green little gremlin. Good image!
How horrible for you that she turned on you like that after being a mother...or maybe you thought she was a mother but wasnt an ideal one at all.

Anyway, now I'm blabbing.
Thanks for that.

[arpy1]

 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Dear indigo

# possible trigger warning

It makes me tearful to think that you have this feeling inside of you - and that a truly good person can feel this way -
But then I remember I had this inside of me for so long ( at short times it comes back but essentially it has gone )
That feeling of feeling rotten to the core - a bad person - intrinsically bad -
I used to feel like I'd murdered someone and was walking round with the guilt - that was the one way I could express how bad I felt as a person
Then I learnt of this condition called 'shame' and I felt a sense of relief that what I felt had a name and that it was a reaction to how others had related to me and rage I had turned this into me as self hatred -
I believe 100% you can be free of this -
I made a pact with myself when I was 17 that I would keep going until I felt better -
It's taken a lot of action ( I mean really so much of my life has been about healing ) and dedication. To get free -

A suggestion may be to focus on other parts of yourself and develop what u enjoy doing - my own experience is giving too much focus on the shame can somehow give it power -
It's in us but it is not who we are -
I used to hate mantras but one I say now is 'I am worthy ' 'I am good enough '

The shame I have expressed In Different ways over the yrs - through art ( always a dark figure ) with other expressions of where I was heading ( away from the beast
Dance therapy and other healing stuff

I can still relate to it though just today the charge nurse at work who was doing my annual appraisal was saying what a good nurse i was - and then asked me 'why don't you think you are '
And of course you and I know why but it just felt too long to get into

Maybe one day I'll feel good enough and not so perfection / inner critic driven

Sending you respect for being on this healing journey and for sharing so honestly of a subject we struggle with so deeply

Freedom is ours for the taking
We are all good people here 💓

[Indigochild]

Hi Boatsetsailrose
and thank you so much for your lovely message.
Im sorry if i have kind of ...taken this topic off course...I dont want others to not reply to your message at the top- the first one you posted- because of my question.

Your way of expressing this feeling of feeling bad as a person- very interesting and very good. Im not sure what the feeling is yes...as though i have murdered someone? I will have to see. Maybe that i have done something bad yes, and that i am covering it up but the whole world can see- they know what i have done , but more that I'm just a bad person inside...and i shouldnt be interacting or even walking the streets.

I felt relief too when i read a book about emotional neglect and it talked about the fatal flaw we feel. It hasn't stopped me feeling it..so i doubt knowing of shame will either, but its a process of course-and thank you for saying about shame, i am going to het some books about it and have a read.

it was a reaction to how others had related to me and rage I had turned this into me as self hatred -
I need to remember this, and woah, my anger is huge but at the wrong people, never my parents really, so if all the self hatred etc. is actually anger turned inwards...Omg. how much more of it there is.
Woah, imagine getting rid of self hatred in the form of angering...how freeing would that be!

That is intresing- I'm not sure i focus on shame, more - project it outwards unintentionally on others ... but its always there and i feel it some days.

I will try to find somethings i can focus on instead. Its hard because it comes up around others a lot, day to day when i cant distract and do something creative instead.

I hate mantras too but if they help thats good and those two things u say to yourself are probably good things to say to myself.
How cool to express shame with art. Im not sure how i would represent mine-
probably a picture of me with bad bits inside, in the pit of my stomach  or suroundng my heart. it wold look like dirt.

The shame I have expressed In Different ways over the yrs - through art ( always a dark figure ) with other expressions of where I was heading ( away from the beast
Dance therapy and other healing stuff

Yes, i underhand why these questions are impossible to answer with out giving away your story and with out a lot of explanation.

I do hope you feel good enough one day.
And thanks very much. So much respect to you too for going on this hard journey.
Its really amazing and something to be proud of. 
We are good people here and so are you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you indigo
It's so good to share this stuff of our internal and external world

I didn't think u had taken things off course - it's really all relevant and great to have a thread that takes a journey 👍🏻👍🏻😊

[Indigochild]

No problem Boatsetsailrose
It is sooo good to share this stuff that we would never share with anybody for the shame and thinking know one else feels this way.

I am so glad that you feel that way about the thread.