Feel like I'm 'going mad - inner critic and low self worth

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello
Inner critic is driving me insane -
Essentially I know it is 'thinking and the thoughts aren't 'real
It seems to be teaming up with my low self worth and doing 'a very good job' and beating me down -
It's exhausting - I feel lethargic and low

The hardest time is at work - I work in a busy stressful environment as a nurse - many nurses say they don't feel they do a good job - as the environment and lack of staff hinders any feeling of achievement -
People tell me I'm a good nurse - but I don't believe it -
It's the low worth that seems the prob too - also I am on anti dep that impairs my memory and also have chronic sinusitis that gives me head pain and so these things hinder my 'capacity at work'
I am learning about self compassion and as p walker says it is an area that is often vastly lacking for us . Tonight at work I said to myself 'am I trying my best ' and I think I am -

Also started having driving lessons and this is another area ( even though I'm new at it ) that my inner critic is berating me for - should know me - be better - have it Sussed
The evidence is on the second lesson I drove 5 miles and my instructor told me on the 4 th lesson how well I was doing - but still I feel useless - worthless and stupid

Tonight I feel fed up and asking 'will I always feel like this - how is it gonna change ?

The good thing is now I am not fixing on any addictions - I get to see this stuff clearly instead of 'just feeling low ....

[I like vanilla]

Boatsetsailrose it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

For me, such stressful times seems to make it easier for my ICr to attack me.

It seems reasonable that your ICr is so active when you have so much going on. It is unfair too, eh? When we most need our energy to deal with basic life stuff, we often must instead spend so much of it on defending against the ICr.

If it helps, it sounds like what you are going through is 'normal', or as 'normal' as something like this problem could ever be. It also sounds like you truly are doing your best. It sounds too like your best is pretty amazingly good. Your ICr seems to be lying to you, though unfortunately that is what they do...

Sending positive energy thoughts

[I like vanilla]

 

For some reason, this one did not come through on my reply.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you I like vanilla.
Really helps to get your reply

[arpy1]

isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC???  i call mine The Bitch   (hi-lite to read if you didn't guess).

Boatssr, don't despair. much support and 

[Indigochild]

May Trigger....

Arply1, maybe this was what it was like for your growing up??
isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC???

It was for me , nothing i ever did could ever please my mother, so i never gained any validation from succeeding at anything and I gave up trying that long ago, because i thought that the problem wasnt what i *did or didnt do*, its *who I am*, and i still think this.
I hope its all a delusion i was made to believe.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you arpy
Today is a better day I have some freedom
Indigo - it is all a delusion !!!
There is nothing wrong with us - we are just right - good people and even when we muck up we are still right people
🌺🌸

[tired]

i read eckhart tolle's book new earth. something i remember is he says these voices are something like a movie reel in your head, saying a bunch of stuff. blah blah blah .  think of it as an insect.  like a mosquito in the room; annoying and hard to ignore but not significant.

[I like vanilla]

May Trigger....

Arply1, maybe this was what it was like for your growing up??
isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC???

It was for me , nothing i ever did could ever please my mother, so i never gained any validation from succeeding at anything and I gave up trying that long ago, because i thought that the problem wasnt what i *did or didnt do*, its *who I am*, and i still think this.
I hope its all a delusion i was made to believe.

Indigo, this is a great insight. I know it is true for me too. There was also the impossible double bind (instilled by my NM and quoted often by my ICr) - 'never good enough, keep trying to be better, nothing is acceptable except the best'... 'but don't be so good that you that you make me feel threatened (because you might be 'better' than me'... My ICr revels in this type of no-win situation and, yes, it is a reflection of my growing-up. I think, unfortunately, so many of us have ICr that learned their tactics from our parental-type adults (I almost said 'caregivers' but that would be a lie).

i read eckhart tolle's book new earth. something i remember is he says these voices are something like a movie reel in your head, saying a bunch of stuff. blah blah blah .  think of it as an insect.  like a mosquito in the room; annoying and hard to ignore but not significant.

Tired, this is a fantastic image. Thank you for sharing it. I think I will draw on it when my ICr acts up.

[arpy1]

Indigo    mosquito! i love that. gonna remember that.

for me it wasn't so much growing up, altho there was a big pressure to be 'intelligent' and get top grades, felt like i had to excel, not just succeed, or i had failed (i know, makes little sense).

it was really in the JP that i learnt that i could never get it right enough becos i am fundamentally wrong, flawed, which taints everything i am and do. that was where the Bitch really came into her own. i still hear N (the leader) shouting in my head even now.

i need to work on believing it's a big lie. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Tired  - love 💓echart tolle
I haven't read that book yet but have the power of now - practical steps book which I highly recommend !

[tired]

the person who recommended it was starting a business as some kind of healer and we had a few conversations. she said all these things in your mind, they are not you. i said who am i and she answered you don't need to know that.

i think what she meant was you don't have to have all the answers to be happy now (a tolle concept).  sure, you can go to analysis and connect the dots and figure out what is you and what is noise.  but right now, knowing that there is a difference, you can be perfectly happy. it doesn't matter that we can't completely separate and take a step back and look at our minds. we can know that theoretically, in a magical world, we can imagine that we are more than the sum total of all the crap that was thrown at us. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Exactly
Who am I ? That is a great question to ask - maybe a writing exercise ...
But yes not needing to know but feeling it -
My 1st experience of this as an adult was going to a satsang ( meeting truth ) and opening to dropping out of my mind - I'll never forget that day -

Just this morning I wake and my head is doing its thing - I get up stretch smile and breathe - I know today my head is on automatic replay -

But truth is ever new that being the magic of life - how lucky we are to know this -
Our nightmare becomes our freedom - blessed

[Indigochild]

Arpy1

Thanks, Im glad you like it 

for me it wasn't so much growing up, altho there was a big pressure to be 'intelligent' and get top grades, felt like i had to excel, not just succeed, or i had failed (i know, makes little sense).
No no, it makes perfect sense to me. No child should have to suffer that and I'm sorry that happened to you. Know one should have to *prove* their worth.

When you say, that you need to work on believing its a big lie, same here, I dont believe it for myself.

TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE BE CAREFUL-

Do you ever feel that it is true for everyone else who was abused, but not for you? That you are not worthy of this- this being that,-
everyone else who was abused is worthy, they were just made to believe they wasnt, and that their inner critic is wrong.
Do you believe that peopel are not born fundamentally flawed and worthless, but for you , you are the only one on this earth who actually is?
I feel this way.

Do you feel that the story of:
You were abused, made to believe you were unworthy, would be wonderful if that was your story, and that you could look back one day and see that you are worthy and that you are not flawed, -
but do you worry or feel that, while that story sucks because it means you were abused (which you were),
you are not good enough for that story? For the happy ending?

I do, and i worry that i will always be worthless, and that that story is only for the people who were abused and made to feel horrible about themselves who WERE NEVER worthless to begin with.
I feel that i was made flawed and that even if my T tells me I'm not and that i never was, i worry she will never know the truth, which is that I am worthless.

This is really how i feel, not saying that thats true for you or anyone else or that I'm right in my thinking.
My T thinks my thinking is wrong about this.

I am sorry you have your inner critic shouting in your head.
I do hope you see that its a big lie. I can say this for others but its so hard to believe and say to myself.

[Boatsetsailrose]

And then one day you realise by astonishment that the self hatred has shrunk and you can't believe it ... Really has it gone ? Where has it gone ? Was it really ever there ?

It comes back sometimes but not with the same force and it is flimsy by comparison - -

Target warning ##

Do not -
Do Not stop until the miracle happens -
The miracle of you -
It's there for all
Of us
And that --- is a fact
No one is excluded from finding out who they really are

Sending 💓