how to tell if your feelings are appropriate for the situation

[Indigochild]

I know that there has been a thread posted that is called *what do your flashbacks feel like to you*, but Im wanting to ask, as I'm still having difficulty at times...
How do you *know* you are in a flashback?
I know its not always possible to tell in the moment and sometimes only when its over it is clear, -
How do you tell weather your feelings are appropriate for the situation at hand or not?
I can look at the list of symptoms-
and all feelings are relevant and valid- and dependant on past experience bla bla bla..
but how do you KNOW weather your feelings are a bit out of line for the current situation?
ie. anger- how do you know if your anger is normal and warranted?
Thanks

ps. Echoes of your trauma - aches and pains in specific places (that were hurt back then)-
is this the case for emotional abuse?
I know emotions and feelings are stored in the body-
does anyone know what types of aches and pains occur and when in particular?
Im guessing its all different depending on the flashback what types of bodily problems you may get.
Thanks and i hope this isn't too confusing.

[Dutch Uncle]

This is really a tough question for me, Indigo.
To be honest: I haven't got a clue. Yet. I think clues are to be had, at some point though.

This weekend I saw an interview with an author/psychologist, on a recent book he had written. (It's in Dutch so no point in elaborating on the book itself.)
But one phrase he said in the interview has stuck with me (I even wrote it down), and I think it applies to your question:
"You may think at some point you'd like to take up playing guitar. Now, to keep deliberating this, even read a whole lot of books on it, watch videos, discuss it with friends, with guitar players even: the only way to find out if playing guitar is "your thing", is to actually pick up a guitar and start playing and practicing. It's the only way to find out."

So, in a similar vein: the only way to find out if your feelings (and expression of your feelings) are appropriate for the situation is to act them out. For better or worse.
And both will happen, inevitably I think. Either we trip, or we will have scaled another rung* on the ladder.

*) yay! I learned a new English word!

[Ferzak]

That is a tough question but I do think it gets easier.   When my emotions are accompanied by a sense of dread or panic-that "pit" in the stomach feeling- and when a tough situation ends with me living on the street or dying in some awful way (catastrophization), they tend to be emotional flashbacks.
Those of us with CPTSD have strong and harsh internal critics that either beat us up with perfectionist standards of which we fall way short and/or scary projections of doom and gloom.  If my thoughts are self-punishing and panicking, if there is a lot of guilt or shame, it tends to be an emotional flashback.  There is never a reason to be unkind to yourself or to abandon yourself.  I find that abandonment of self is much more painful than even great sadness or anger.   

[Butterfly]

Feeling frightened or helpless when in fact I'm an adult and can simply leave is a signal of flashback. The emotion doesn't fit the circumstance. Feeling like I have no choice or no right to speak when in fact an adult does have choices again doesn't fit the facts. When the emotion doesn't fit the reality.

[coda]

This is one of the hardest things - very sudden, very intense emotions that overpower our better instincts. And even as it's happening and we're flooded with anger or panic, there's that small secret part of us watching, judging, waiting to add shame to an already terrible/terrifying cascade of feelings. We don't want any of this. We want to be fair, strong, unflappable, appropriate (like the parents or siblings or partners we needed but never had). No lashing out, no slips, no drama, nothing to apologize for. 

No matter how far we've come, we all carry around deep sense memories of anger, resentment, grief, fear. How could it be otherwise? If your past was anything like mine, those emotions were once as constant as they were forbidden, and unforgivable. They're our battle scars, and life's constant tribulations rub up against them. When they arise, as they always have, sometimes we ride them out and sometimes we can't. 

But the self-recriminations that follow are punishing, and can easily overshadow the real work of trying to see what actually happened or why. It's that automatic switchover to guilt and confusion that short circuits progress. We're wired to perpetuate the instant invalidation we were weaned on. Our anger was unjustified and cruel. Our fears were ridiculous. Why couldn't we just be what they wanted and stop embarrassing ourselves? No, not modify our reactions -- just don't have them. It is far harder to see (let alone overcome) that mortification for what it is than any actual external triggers. It was such an effective way to stymie us, and it still is.

[I like vanilla]

I often find it is difficult for me to tell if my emotional responses are appropriate to the situation. In part because I have been tightly-wound due to the abuses I experienced, in part, I am now learning because of the CPTSD flashbacks, and in part because I was never allowed to have my own feelings growing up and was often punished for expressing genuine emotion or gaslighted until I know longer knew what the 'correct' feelings were in any situation.  Because of all of that, I have even into my adult years been gaslighted by co-workers, -ahem- 'friends', and others that I have been in relationships with; they learned I was vulnerable to that form of manipulation and have taken advantage of it. 

I have been working with a therapist who has been helping to feel my feelings, where they are in my body, etc. and to practise mindfulness. That has been helping. I am finding the more I really feel my feelings the more certain I am of what those feelings are and 'ought to be' (for want of a better phrase). I have also been learning to have boundaries. e.g. abuser: 'why are you angry? There is nothing to be upset about!'. me: 'I am angry because xyz is an unfair way to treat me and you need to change your behaviour'.

In the meantime, yes, I do still have times when I am unsure if I am 'overreacting'. In these cases, I go to my trusted friend, explain the situation in as much detail as necessary, and with as much honesty as I can (even if I am feeling embarrassed by my responses), and ask her 'am I over-reacting? should I be upset by this? would an average person be upset by this? etc.' She is kind enough to tell me the truth, usually it is along the lines of 'yes, you are right to be upset, but let's look at how you can respond constructively'.

[tired]

this is where therapy helped. my analyst would point out things that i wasn't realizing.  i think without another person to point it out i would have remained oblivious. i'm a lot better now but i suspect there is more; otherwise i wouldn't have problems functioning.  i don't think i have enough of an awareness right now. 

[Kizzie]

I find I have a flooded feeling, like there is to much emotion for what is going on.  If you witness an accident you would expect to have an intense fear reaction, but if you get this kind reaction when you have a disagreement with someone it's likely it's an EF. So FWIW if you feel flooded by emotion maybe just check to see if the situation warrants it.

[tired]

Good point and useful tool for those moments when I'm not sure what's going on

[Indigochild]

Omg! Hello everyone,
its been a long time since i have been on here, but i was just reading through this and there has been so many responses since i last wrote that post- thank you so much, very informative and also very correct.
I realised ages ago that i have *always* had emotional flashbacks, i just didnt know what they were, and for a while now, when the big ones come, i just *know* they are flashbacks, it is that gut feeling that it is comming from somewhere else- echo of trauma...you just know...i must of written this question ages ago. I cant believe i couldnt recognise efs.
But yes, thank you to everyone who commented, very helpful.

[Flutterbye]

the way I can tell is that I start acting out like my child self abused again..
- terror, confusion, anger, rage at some kind of perceived injustice (always an actual injustice in present time but its scale is unhelpfully emphasised by my trauma response)
- trying to change the 'parent' (i.e. the person who triggered the response) by instant & total emotional enmeshment, where I feel their agonising emotions for them so they don't have to suffer that, I think Pete Walker in part describes this as the fawn response, Karla McLaren describes it as 'enmeshment not empathy'. It's a very powerful, agonising trap.
- being the 'parent' and the rescuer for the person who triggered me; validating their feelings/entrenched negativity/rage (whatever toxic spew & no matter how big, bad or inappropriate they are), emotionally supporting them, counselling them for hours to absolutely no avail, they are just as negative as the moment we started. This goes on for hours (like, four hours) and I'm lost in time with them ranting at me; it goes on for hours until some external factor stops it (like the café closes or it's night falls or something).

I then ruminate about it for days, i.e. the EF continues for days, it's agony. I feel violated, tricked & furious that I let it happen again yet still fully responsible for this person's pain & fully certain that I can change their pain into positive action that they'll take on my advice, then they will respect me, say 'thank you' and we'll have a healthy relationship. Then I may end the association in desperation (to make the EF stop) if possible, or if not possible (e.g. if they are my manager) the ugly relationship continues & I get more enmeshed over time.

It took me along time to be able to identify all this. I'm happy to share that with lots of hard work I got better at understanding when it is happening and removing myself from the situation, and that my EF's are getting less intense and less frequent.

[Sienna]

artemis23,
what you wrote, was so lovely, and definitely in my opinion, the correct way to look at this.
You shouldn't ignored feelings even if others may not typically react or feel the way you do or are about something.
even if pain etc is at others, in time, when that layer of self protected projection of pain and anger etc. is out of you, then yo can start seeing the pain that is to do with the past.
but all feelings are there for a reason
thank you so much for contributing to the thread, something i had not thought of. I always need a reason logically to feel pain etc. but that is not necessary.
You are so right. Thanks