how do you stop it when you know you are numbing out/dissociating?

[arpy1]

ok, this is a question i have - if you should try to stop it (and if so, how) when you start numbing out? 

the last week or two i have had many upsetting dreams about the cult which have led to a lot of flashbacks and it all got a bit traumatic.
even so, i have tried to stay with it and work through the PW steps etc and not numb out or try and avoid the bad feelings but to feel them and work with them.

the last couple of days the nightmares have stopped.  however, i am back in that state where i feel really low again,  just can't think or function, can't read, can't concentrate, can't seem to face or do anything.

i just can't decide if i am numbing myself out or if it's just my brain saying 'enough is enough' and switching me off for a while.  i'm pretty sure i didn't deliberately choose to switch off, it just happened. to be honest, i just want to go to sleep or sit in a chair and go blank, but i can't allow myself. 

at the risk of sounding totally neurotic,  i just wondered if this is 'normal' or what. i don't like feeling this way, but then i don't like feeling all traumatised either. i feel a bit insecure and i don't know what i should be doing.  i guess this is where a decent therapist would come in handy but that's not really an option at present. 

any ideas, anyone?

[Oakridge]

I am in a similar state at this point. For months, i have felt that i was making good strides with my therapy and meditative practices. I was having a good amount of days where i felt centered, content and joyous with life. But then my dreams started to become heavy again and i felt myself wanting to numb more and more. I know part of it is that being single at this stage in my life, i am alone a great deal once home, except for the dog. This can be a very good thing or not.  So i am curious what others have to offer about the topic you've raised. Particularly, i wonder about your statement about is this happening because of overload in working on the issues you face. I remember reading a study once that talked about the severe fatigue that can set in from too may problems or traumas over a person's life.

[BigGreenSee123]

i just can't decide if i am numbing myself out or if it's just my brain saying 'enough is enough' and switching me off for a while.  i'm pretty sure i didn't deliberately choose to switch off, it just happened. to be honest, i just want to go to sleep or sit in a chair and go blank, but i can't allow myself. 

I'm not sure there's a clear-cut difference between you numbing and your brain saying "enough is enough." It sounds like you've been through a lot lately, maybe it's time for some needed rest. Numbing might be the best way your system can achieve that.

I've been through this back and forth process too. I get periods where I feel overwhelmed with fear, sadness, anxiety followed by strange periods where I feel disconnected from everything.

I also struggle with figuring out the best way to respond to these states. Do I push myself back toward my pain? Do I "let" myself get numb? In my opinion, though, it rarely works to fight against what is really already happening.

I think it might be helpful to just listen to whatever is going on for you. I wouldn't advocate for taking on destructive behaviors to achieve a numbed state but if that's just happening then that's probably exactly what needs to happen. Acceptance of and self compassion with the disconnection can be just as valuable as acceptance/compassion with any other challenging emotion.

I'm no expert, of course, but this seems to be the best approach I've found thus far (though I still need plenty of practice, etc. myself). Regardless, I hope you find your way through soon enough.

[woodsgnome]

Arpy1 wrote:

"...at the risk of sounding totally neurotic,  i just wondered if this is 'normal' or what. i don't like feeling this way, but then i don't like feeling all traumatised either. i feel a bit insecure..."

Even "normal" people (non-cptsd sorts) can be totally neurotic, they just are better at covering it over, not aware--they'd never call it numbing, but it's exactly what it is. We have their missing awareness, though, and it's good to know, but scary to realize the "why". Meanwhile, the pain spins round and round .

Good to be aware, not so great to know something others are successful at just ignoring within their "normal" mask. And it's very INSECURE. But that's true no matter what state we're in. Being incredibly wealthy is considered a security goal. Those who've been there can be neurotic beyond reason. Yet they're considered secure, and normal? 

There's this rush to perfection, once we see the new, freer vista. And it's cool that we are learning to see the clouds scatter and reveal the bright sky. But as we look up, we realize it's a mountain looming before us, and we've already been climbing so hard.

I've been on that mountainside and have frequently despaired; and often "numbed out" but have seen the other side, too. It's a huge step in our un-learning process, when we shed the burdens placed on us from other people. There's time for numbness, and there'll be time for reawakening. Patience seems insecure, but it's a core part of the process.

As Oakridge pointed out, it's natural (I like "natural" better than "normal") to become fatigued, overwhelmed, confused, and incredibly numb. Patience, though. You lose sight of your strength to absorb all of this--but we see it in your willingness to stop and reassess. That takes more oomph than lots of "normal" sorts could muster.

It's a lot to figure and you've already un-learned so much. Some of it is very distressing, but you're still at it. That probably sounds cliche, but it's anything but. As you may recall, I too had this holy stuff drilled into me. But I remember one phrase from that den of horrors I actually ended up liking--"there is a time to every season..."        

[tired]

i grab a gallon of water room temperature.  i get in the shower, turn on hot water and when i'm nice and toasty i dump the water on my head which makes me freeze, then i warm up again with hot water, then repeat until the shock snaps me out of it.  it's basically an extreme physical sensation that snaps me back into the present moment. 

[Oakridge]

As I read some of the comments since I was last on (been away due to renovations underway at the house), I have been reminded of various spiritual type writers, not meaning religious. In particular, Tolle's notion of one's 'Painbody' being triggered kept coming to mind. I was wondering if others have read his stuff and if any of it plays into this conversation.

[EmoVulcan]

As I read some of the comments since I was last on (been away due to renovations underway at the house), I have been reminded of various spiritual type writers, not meaning religious. In particular, Tolle's notion of one's 'Painbody' being triggered kept coming to mind. I was wondering if others have read his stuff and if any of it plays into this conversation.

Hi Oakridge,
I read something by Tolle years ago, do not recall a lot of it. However, I have come to realize, it matters the most, at this point in time, to understand our belief system as much as possible, that means all of our experience, knowledge, memories and all the accessible portions of our minds, write them down if you could, as you remember things you want to keep as part of you...which should be everything to sum up the 'self' we know inside as our true self.  When, at least for me, when I can write about my experiences, coherently, without triggering(at least myself, as I am starting to know, me first)people, then I should be closer to helping out others as I desire.
So I have decided to write a stream of consciousness journal to find the inside me.
First, write my absolute truths, the things where spirit, body and mind resonate in synchronous and melodious, full-color, and out loud harmony. The discords,  that is not the truth of me.  So, I first must know what I love, so I can fully love myself.
This is biblical, and as I spent time in religion, and I have sought the best knowledge..I AM Love. This is an absolute truth to me and of me, as I can interpret this many ways, and there is no false I can find given what I know.
It encompasses both God and spirit, or the energy body.
The pain body, I would now say, to me, is the pain of the mind, past, being expressed in the corpreal body.  The form may be indicative of the spiritual effects from the memories, which must be cleansed.  The memory must be resolved and accepted as an event, of the past..HIStory.
I explore now the mystery(my story) of me, my inner child is an old wise woman, the Goddess, the Feminine divine, reminding me all was planned, God designed what he desired in his companion, the equal to himself in a package he would be pleased to look at day after day, forever. My body is a temple to the female and the male! A reason to care for my health.
And there is to be revelations in the end times. We are definitely going through a personal tribulation...so if resolved we should be healed. Perhaps seeing these things on paper, or saying them out loud will help solidify this identity confirming things, practice them when the opposite thought begins to intrude.  Internalize them just as we did when children. But as statements of fact of self. Hope that helps.