Can I recover?

[russ1116]

1st post- Hi.
I'm a 44yr old male. I was "designed" Gay, Lived in a strict Southern Baptist home and hated myself since i was 12. It basically changed me at 12 from a nice boy to a hateful and angry boy. Much school bullying and abuse (never came out).. Forced myself to marry and had 3 children. The most difficult thing to do was have sex, I was terrified of it and had to be drunk to even do it. Even though we only had sex about every 2 months(poor wife).. this lasted for 12 years, see eventually had affairs and i was ecstatic! So finally that was over, huge relief. Raised my 2 boys, she raise the daughter.

I was fine until my boys were grown and left about 3 years ago. I am depressed, hate life, have no respect for life (mine). I have "come out" but cannot do it as every sex in my brain was taught as horrible. I think ssri's have destroyed my brain, i've never been happy. I'm very smart but negative. I really truely hate people, esp America. All people car about is money and themselves. The Country is about to collapse.

I see theropists weekly but they dont know what to do as i'm the 1st theyve ever had with a gay , non acting, gay guy- and never has, and super homphobic of myself. And also i just lost my business of 16 years so now no income, no friends, my familly hates me because im immature.

Ive tryed to be me for 33 years! and 33 years of ongoing trauma! I cannot be alone and unhappy any longer. I've never been in love and never truely happy... All because of religion, and yes thats still burned in my brain as well... Once your subconscious is burned it cannot be changed is what im seeing? - Any ideas? on the cheap

[tired]

There is a you that is separate from all this and beyond all this.  You only need to catch a glipse of it once, for a tiny moment, to know it's there. And then you'll know what to do.

You are a valuable person to other people and maybe for now, that's what you can do.  Be here, right now, and share whatever you can which is what you are doing.  Believe it or not some of the people reading your story will benefit from it; probably just from feeling like they are not alone in this sorry world.

[Dyess]

ya know Russ, in reading your post the thing that jumped out at me is your claiming the negative parts of your life and you obviously have so much more to you. You raised two sons. THAT is a positive. You had your own business, a dream of many people. If your T doesn't know how to address the "gay" issues in your life you need a new T. You are still a young man and deserve to find that love you want so badly. Be patient, find the right T that understands you and can help you deal with the past and help you see a brighter future. You sound like a wonderful man and I truly hope you find what makes you happy, but most of all you can see the good in Russ and claim it. Welcome to the forum my friend.

[Dyess]

Russ? Look around the forum at different topics and see if anything resonates with you. If you see something you want to discuss further just let us know. We ARE here for you.

[russ1116]

Thanks guys:
I want to go back to school and i have severe ADD. I have dopamine problems which cause some unwanted effects.
I know drugs arnt the answer, but if they can help get over the "fears" then maybe they work.
Will take ritalin or adderal for ADD which helps allot focusing and does help with self esteem and anxiety.
I wish they still allowed MDMA for PTSD as it does really work short term to get outside your comfort zone.
This stupid world with Drug probation really stops allot of research on potentially good medicine.
IS there any Legal drugs that block your fear or phobia subconscious?
I've never used drugs in my life (ex ssri,ect) but at this point I will try anything to step outside the box. When you have ZERO friends for so long its hard to step into the real world and be socially acceptable. Esp when everyone assumes your straight immediately.

[Dyess]

Well Russ there are some herbal things you could try I like the 5HtP. Getting a good balanced diet and avoiding sweets and exercise. There was a video recently on Katimorton.com that talked about a man being diagnosed with ADD in Adult life and some things he found were helpful. You may want to check it out. It was a video where she was interviewing a man about ADD.
People assuming your straight.....is that a problem? Really what difference does it make what they think you are or do in your private life. If you want people to know your gay tell them, wear rainbow clothes, get a gay pride t-shirt and wear. But really what difference does it make?
Get into school. You may be worry a lot about things you don't need to. Take one day at a time, step by step. Then address the problems if they arise.
You can do this.

[arpy1]

hey Russ1116, just wanted to add my welcome and my greetings, as well as my esteem for the way you have coped with such alot and still managed to do and be all the things you shared about.  i suspect that you are a lot more than you realise, stronger, kinder, a better man altogether than you have been led to believe.

i know how hard it is when your mind has been screwed by religiosity (read a few of my posts in the spiritual/religious abuse if you are interested) but i want to say that i do believe you can change the way your subconscious mind has been 'burned' as you say.  i am in process of relearning my whole worldview, learning to get rid of the terrible shame that was so deeply embedded in me, learning that i can heal myself. it's a long, hard painful process but i have made a start.

just want to let you know you're not on your own. much support to you, and big