Lots of Anxiety-I guess a vent

[Phoebes]

I've been NC with uNPD/BPDm for a while now, and could sense another hoover coming on. Sure enough, I got the text. Every time I get one of these my heart rate goes way up, I am tempted to write a letter (sometimes I do, but keep it to myself), and I ponder if I really should talk to her ever again or not. It is definitely a situation I can't see ever being resolved.

Meanwhile, I am anxious about situations within my job role, and feel I could easily be let go based on lower performance lately, due to my depression and CPtsd, which they know nothing about. Oftentimes I can't sleep all night, and then I get a very late start on work (I work from home online). We are not allowed to make our own schedule though. I'd love to be the creator of my own job, in a creative field. I am very hard on myself for feeling like a failure in that area, as well as tolerating staying in this position of high stress and low pay. I have abilities, but have never been able to figure out how to make it happen. Now I'm just confused about what I want to do and feel too depressed to make a move.

Meanwhile still, I am awaiting lab results on what I am almost positive is going to be a terrifying result based on my own horrible choices. Choices I made out of self-doubt and while drinking.  I am very worried about this. My heart is pounding out of my chest at the moment and I have what I believe to be a rational fear about this result, and then put it together with a less rational fear that I may lose my job and insurance. I know in my heart I am not the person that was aloof about my health and mental well-being, but then again, I did it to myself so I guess I AM that person.

My sense of self, any sense of passion for life or motivation has been gone for a while now, but now feeling a lot of fear about just the basics of life, and a lot of sadness and grief where letting go of my family is concerned. I've been waking up in panic attack mode in the night and recognize it as emotional flashback. I am usually not this big of a mess, but I do think a lot of it is my CPTSD talking. I feel very horrible that I was once a capable, healthy, motivated person who had underlying troubles to now an isolated, stuck middle-ager with a multitude of health problems, unmotivated, helpless feeling lump in my chest. I don't know what to do, and therapy is just money spent that doesn't result in any real help. I sound and feel very whiney right now, and I appreciate anyone who made it this far who let me vent. I definitely feel like I have to hide these feelings and realities and have to put on a happy face for those in my life and at work. I'm so tired.

[Rainydaze]

Hi Phoebes. I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it at the moment. Your post really struck a chord with me because I've also been struggling this past week. CPTSD is overwhelming, isn't it? 

I think a start is to recognise that you're not coping and focus solely on yourself. Have you thought about letting your employer know that you're having problems with your sleep? I know you say you cannot make your own schedule but perhaps they might be willing to show some leniency if they know how hard it is for you right now. I wouldn't stress on the big stuff until you feel stable again. I know how hard it is. I've set up an online business recently and I'm constantly berating myself for not doing enough on the couple of weekdays I get off to focus on it (I work 3 days part time for my employer). Thing is, I physically and mentally haven't been coping. I'm finding myself holding my hands up and admitting that now, because if I push much further then I'll have a complete breakdown. I'm opting for a bit of self compassion for a little while until I feel well enough to have another shot. You're not alone in feeling too depressed to make a move, you just need to tackle the smaller stuff first and start from there rather than condemning yourself a failure for not feeling well enough to do what you want to do.

I hope your lab results have turned out ok if you have received them. Everyone makes mistakes and you haven't been in a good place, so try not to be too hard on yourself. 

I hear you on the sadness of letting go of family. I'm in a very weird place right now with my father and it hurts very badly. I also wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. I think it's a start if you can recognise it as an emotional flashback because you can at least refer to the flashback management list. I take it you're aware of this but the link is here if not - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm You're not less of a person for finding it hard to cope. Chances are your repressed emotions are now coming to the surface, so in the long run once these feelings have been dealt with you will feel better. Trying not to be the blind leading the blind here but I think that's what we have to work towards.

Take care of yourself, venting is a really positive thing and I think many people, including myself, relate to what you're going through.