Worry

[MajorMalfunction]

I have the usual CPTSD stuff, hyper-awareness, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, self-imposed social isolation but what's bothering me lately is worry.

I worry all damn day. And most of the night. About things that are legitimate, and things that haven't happened yet and may not happen for a decade or more. I get less than 5 hours of sleep a night on average because my mind won't stop going over and over these things, and if I "resolve" one worry, another one instantly takes its place. The one "resolved" often comes back after a while.

It's usually much worse when I have something going on, like I'm filing to get legal custody of my kids back right now, and I think that's probably what's got me in high worry gear. Family court has been a real crap shoot for me, I hate it, there's no telling what they'll decide. My ex is ASPD and does well lying in court. I don't really have the funds to pay more if the lawyer wants it, and she hasn't finished the paperwork yet, I'm anxious to get it filed soon so that we can be seen by one of the decent judges before the judicial reassignments in January. It goes on and on and on. It's getting debilitating.

I'm against SSRIs, have a scrip for ativan as needed and I use it as little as possible. I have a scrip for seroquel but it's so strong it scares me so I don't usually take it. I don't seem to have success meditating and therapy is out because 1) I can't afford it and 2) I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and it's been useful during crises but sitting long term crying in front of someone about the same things over and over is too much for me, I literally hate going. I had one session of EMDR and had such a strong physical reaction (I was dry heaving so hard I thought I'd make my stomach bleed) that I can't bring myself to do it again. A lot of my reluctance to go to therapy other than financial is that I don't trust people and can't stand to open up, therapists are no exception. The whole process makes me really uncomfortable and I look for excuses not to go.

I'm just wondering ... does anyone else with CPTSD have issues getting stuck in a worry rut and what other ways have you found to deal with it? Thanks for reading!

[Badmemories]

Hi MajorM

I have a scrip for seroquel but it's so strong it scares me so I don't usually take it.

I take sorequel and it works good for me. I do not have it prescribed for daily use. My DR> prescribes is as a sleeping aid. I only take it when I can't sleep!

Perhaps there is a smaller dose that would work better.

[MajorMalfunction]

Thanks for answering. I have a 25 mg dose, as needed, but I've been cutting the pill into halves and quarters and finding it still really strong. What are your experiences taking it? The first time I took a full one I ended up zombified for the entire next day. It really scared me, especially as a single mother.

But it did seem to make my mind less freaked out for the week afterward. Maybe after the kids go to their dad's again this weekend I'll try it again and see if I can get on top of the residual effects.

[Badmemories]

I never take more than a half of seroquil. It did make me a litte foggy at first... but that wears off. I am not a DR. but I would try taking the 1/4 pill. What I have found is to judge how long you have the groggy effect and how soon the medicine starts to work.

For example If you are groggy for four hours after you wakeup you You could take it four hours early also balancing how long it starts to work. in My example If it starts to work in two hours you could take it 2 hours earlier and then you'd also be ok for you children in the evening because they go to bed earlier than you hopefully.

Also Seroquel is one of the safest medications for sleeping. I am sure that will help you with your worrying. It is NON HABIT FORMNG.  I always instruct my DR.that I do not want any Narcotics. Another thing to consider is that It might seem strong to begin with.. and then after a few weeks the effects wear off and YOU might have to UP the dosage. So YOU might be judging the drug as making you groogy NOW but as your body starts getting the SSI"s it needs, but I actually feel normal on it now. So I would think that you'd eventually get less groggy feeling in the AM/ They make me feel like I have had a great night of sleep with no groggyness now. I sleep through the night also. (normally I would up and down all night.) Wonderful medication for me! It is really a balancing drug that  balances your system, so my depression don't go so low and my manias dont go so high!

[MajorMalfunction]

Definitely a quarter pill for me until I'm used to it, but I'm still going to wait until Friday night when my kids go to their dad's so that I can try to get used to it before they come home.

I was really leery of taking it at first because it's an anti-psychotic. And in all honesty, I'm not much of a fan of pharmaceutical science, for political reasons that I won't bore everyone with. It seemed like they didn't have enough psychotic people to make a good market share and then when they started marketing it for anxiety and depression they started making billions off it. I'm always suspicious of that and what the long term effects of things are. I was on Zoloft for many years, and found out years after the fact that it isn't supposed to be taken during pregnancy for risk of birth defects. And of course I took it while I was pregnant - I think it could possibly have something to do with my son's neurological issues now. Hahaha now I sound paranoid.

Thanks again for answering and giving positive feedback on seroquel. your experience has given me enough information to try it again.

[Badmemories]

I do understand the political side of it but for me It never worked.

My Son was addh and He needed meds. I mean that kids could climb walls. I fought with everybody that just thought that It was a political issue I do understand..

I have 2 children age 27 son, and Daughter 25. My brother has 2 kids also. Son about 24 and daughter about 23. My nephew has been in prison already. and My neice is addicted to all kinds of drugs. MY Brother was the Golden child (GC) he is the one who between him and my SIL are worth about a million+. I on the other hand have been on welfare , and every other program that you can name. I worked with My kids and spent time with them. SIL and BRO worked all the time.I did not start working until My Son was 12. My Son is in College, doing well. He fought in Iraq and got an honorable discharge. My daughter has a few more problems but we are really close. She is a single mom with 2 girls. She toke a very small dosage of Adderall to get through school. My son toke different other psycotropic medacations. Both work and play hard have lots of friends etc. The best thing I evr heard My son say was "Mom I am so glad YOU kept me and made me take My medicine." MY neices and nephew did not get any medications. I think mental Illness runs in MY family.. could be a genetic thing? or I can trce back abuse through Many generations.

My DR. has me on a program that When I do not need to take Medications then I don't have to. I know that sounds strange but he has trained me to know the signs I monator myself and adjust accordingly. Normally I am off meds most of the summer starting in april or May. and I do not take medication then. Winters are different for me and stress is bad.. Right now I am going to start my full treatment, only because I have been stressed out.  I like that approach because all my systems get a break. The medicine also seems to work better that way.

I don't think anyone should feel bad about needing Medication during a rough spot. Therapy Is good to get at the same time to help you work out your problems. Then Hopefully You goal can be to not have to take medications. I think that is reasonable.

Honestly I do Understand where you are coming from on the over medication of America. I also think there is some abuse in the system. Problem is who really needs the medication and who doesn't?

Let Me know how your weekend goes! I think that is a great Idea to try it when you don't have the children!

[MajorMalfunction]

My scrip is take as needed as well. Having been a meth user a long time ago I'm usually leery of using medication as a first line of defense.

Mental illness runs in my family too, there is probably a genetic predisposition. Probably nurture has something to do with it as well. I know that my mother probably has CPTSD and she used to beat me black and blue pretty regular, so it's no wonder I ended up with it as well. Then my second ex-husband the uASPD made it so much worse, seemingly deliberately.

Thanks again for your support! I'll let you know how it goes once the zombie wears off. 

[Badmemories]

So glad You got off Meth.. that must have been a hard one to break? I am proud that YOU did that. yeah yeah! i have been around people that did meth and that is a hard drug to get off of.

I am 60, part of the Hippie scene in my day. That is why that I ask DR. to NOT give me anything narcotic. I probably tried everything in my day. Coke, speed, LDS 1 time, and Pot. Occasionally I smoke POT.

He gives me Adderall for my ADD.... but I don't take it every day, only when I need to concentrate. I take a low dose..7.5 mgs twice a day. I know that is habit forming. Actualy I am probably the worst patient my DR. has LOL

[MajorMalfunction]

I was pretty lucky with the meth, I was on the streets for a year and a half and got Hep B. Right after I got over that I relapsed one time and ended up in jail because of some stupid scam someone I was running with talked me into pulling. In order to make probation I had to stay clean. I was lucky to have some friends that took me in, in another city, and I had to take court ordered therapy as well. It wasn't that hard compared to what some people go through. A couple of cravings over the next six to eight months and that was it.

I don't know if you're a bad patient, around here the doctors don't like to give out narcotics as a first treatment (or second) in a lot of clinics. They will do everything they can to not prescribe them. You might be a challenge (haha) but I think it's a good thing to be able to talk to your doctor about what you will and will not take, and it's an excellent doctor that is willing to allow you -- who lives in your body and knows it best -- to have input on your medications. Some of them don't like the patient to "tell them their business."

You're not much older than me, I missed the hippie days but did a lot of different substances as if I had been one.

[Badmemories]

You're not much older than me, I missed the hippie days but did a lot of different substances as if I had been one.

I guess we can be honest on here.. MY NPDH WAS on Crack.. for a short period of time. I was not going to let him do it by hisself. We did it about 2 weeks. That is a very addicting drug! I told him YOU either quit OR I AM GONE! I had a hard time getting the bugs out of my head with that one. I was seeing white pieces in the carpet and picking them up for about 6 months! EVEN I had a hard time with that one. Meth came out after that so after the crack incident I did not even go near anyone doing meth. I saw too many crazy things that people do on METH.

So glad You shared YOUR story though. I really praise YOU for the recovery that YOU are doing I think It is great! Keep on keeping on as we used to say!

[MajorMalfunction]

Crack's one thing I never did, I hated the way regular cocaine felt so I avoided the other version.

[Butterfly]

Honestly MM you've got a valid reason for anxiety worry brain spinning. What you're going through is huge and currently unresolved.

Runination - that's a big one for me. I call it brain spin but the official word DH dr used is rumination. When there a problem I can't quit work through or one of mums PA episodes has me in a spin. I'm not a fan of meds in general - usually have some sort of bad reaction.

Years ago during a time I'd go days and days with zero sleep (really zero) the doctors wanted to out me on anxiety meds and I said if I could sleep I'd be fine. They said I need sleep at minimum every 3 days. Restoril works for me to give me a good night. My problem isn't falling asleep, it's staying asleep and I can usually listen to calming music the other nights when I wake up with brain spin. Or else I take herbs with GABA which is intended to stop brain spin.

[MajorMalfunction]

Hi, Butterfly. Thanks for what you said about my having reason to worry. Sometimes I get worried I'm worrying too much haha. It just never stops. Like you, I don't have trouble falling asleep so much as staying asleep. Once I wake up in the middle of the night, my brain starts in on its list of woes and it seems like there's no stopping it.

I hadn't heard anything about GABA before, but I just did a little research on it and it looks intriguing. I'm going to have to run it by my doctor before I decide whether to try it, due to all the meds I'm on already.

[Nettiemarie]

I've used GABA and it helped some. 

Anyone have any behavioral stuff for the rumination?   I get that a lot and have a really hard time redirecting my thoughts. 

[emotion overload]

I've used GABA and it helped some. 

Anyone have any behavioral stuff for the rumination?   I get that a lot and have a really hard time redirecting my thoughts.

Meditation or mindfulness?

I have some apps on the iphone by a guy named Andrew Johnson.  They have titles like "Don't Panic" or "DeStress".  When I am really stuck in rumination, I will listen to them and it can get my mind off of things for a time.  Sometimes they don't work though, if I am particularly amped up from worry.

Journalling?  That helps sometimes as well. 

I think exercise would work, but I'm generally too lazy to try that.