I survived child abuse and I have had CPTSD for over 20 years

[Multicolour]

Trigger Warning: child sexual abuse, institutional child abuse

Hello fellow survivors,

My CPTSD was caused by a childhood of abuse by multiple abusers and in multiple settings. I was abused by my parents, by strangers and in state care I was abused in institutions and in foster care placements.

My greatest difficulty is in feeling safe in the world, because I found no-one and nowhere safe when I was a child. So many adults who were meant to be safe, who I was told to trust, sexually assaulted me. I was moved to 'safety' again and again, only to find it was not safe. I was moved from abusive adult to abusive adult. Art 15 I ran away from my foster care placement to avoid being abused again by the dad and was kidnapped on the street by a man who abused me until I was 18.

At 18 I ran away again, knowing this time I was safe at least from the state as I was 18, and finally found safety in a young persons housing program, where I was taken to a rape counseller and diagnosed with Complex PTSD.

At 38 I have been trying to heal from the abuse for 20 years now. I wish that the authorities would spend a minute being me and know how much confusion and pain it causes when you allow a child to be repeatedly abused. How I have spent so much time and money and so many tears trying to get some sort of life back.

I have never had a career, because I get bullied at work and I am so badly affected I can't go back. I spend a lot of time alone at home, because I have flashbacks and become very frightened. I was also assaulted by police as a child, so I experience feelings of terror when I see a uniform. I was abused by government workers as a child, so getting help from any kind of funded organisation is triggering and upsetting.

I have a private counseller, paid for by an organisation that is meant to support survivors of abuse in children's homes, but really just pays for my counselling, because, being a government funded organisation, so many things they do remind me of an abusive institution. They are able to pay for about half the sessions I really need.

I have a partner who supports me and I have some friends, so I am very lucky. I don't see anyone from my family of origin. I tried to see my mother but I felt suicidal every time.

I recently testified to a royal commission on child abuse in institutions, it was an awful experience, the commission staff were patronizing, insensitive and really pushy. It felt like being abused by another institution, this time by a commission that was meant to finally hear my abuse experience. The commission staff made me feel like a worthless piece of dirt. They said that us who survived child abuse in state care are now all violent, bad people who use drugs.

It's not true, it hurts like * that they think that. Some survivors used drugs, and maybe some turned bad, but we weren't bad kids, we were abused kids, and most of us are still not bad now at all. But we are suffering. I don't know why the commission was held when they seem to hate us so much still. The government hated us as children, they hate us as adults. They protected our abusers, who are really the bad ones, and they just shifted us around. None of the abusers who worked for the state have gone to prison.

I know this is too long, I wanted to say what I feel and what's happened. I feel so much grief and hurt over how cruel people are.  It hurts that everyone continues to support a system that continues to harm me: whether its enabling bullying at work or the ongoing hatred from government towards those it abused. It seems like it's okay with most people that I'm treated like *.

I feel like I am still being abused.

[Dyess]

Welcome to the forum. This sounds like a horrible experience and I'm so sorry all that happened. You truly have the strength of a survivor to have endured what you have been through. It's okay that the post was long. Sometimes you have to get it all out there when the information and energy is flowing. Good to hear you have a counselor and I hope that works out well for you. Make yourself at home here. There's a lot of people here that have also been through a lot and we are here for each other. Again, welcome.

[Multicolour]

Thanks for your reply Trace, thanks for the validation and the welcome

[EmoVulcan]

Hello Multicolor,
I am new here, too.  So sorry for your pain, I stayed at home, aware of foster care abuse and prostitution potential, I couldn't face either one at 10...
Nor publc airing.
Still, even trying to get help has led to more trauma that is so wrong
And no we were and are not bad...that is being projected on to us...we struggle to reject it, it is easier to ignore us by placing blame and onus of healing on us as if we had some choices in any part of the mess..we only get the consequences...our lives are outright condemnation of our caregivers, it is not hard to see..when we can be heard at last.
 
People who can listen are a blessing, here, we may have found respite from isolation.
I like this emoticon, a lot.  Nice to meet you.

[Dyess]

Glad you feel comfortable here. We are all healing, it's a large, diverse group and we may not know what to say all the time, or say anything at all but we are here. Many people read posts and do not respond because they just don't know what to say. So welcome to the both of you.

[AgandFe]

Hi,

I've had CPTSD for almost 20 years, too. It's exhausting. The things normal people do and don't even think about are terrifying for people who have had repeated abuse. I can't stand to take a taxi anywhere, the drivers are nearly exclusively male, and I feel trapped even if I sit in the back seat. There's lots more, but basically, while I haven't had your life, I understand what you mean about 'normal' things being very, very hard to do.

I hope this place helps you, and I hope you find some peace.

[basically0kkim]

So glad you have found this place of hope, Multicolour. While my path was less direct, I did find various safe places but they were sadly never meant to be permanent. My grandparents, both gone now, were my safe harbor as long as my presence was not known. Running away was my first method of escape and I spent nearly two years in a state-run facility that was safe EXCEPT that their purpose was to return me home. Suffice to say that after many more years of harm at the hands of myself and others, I finally stopped participating in the wholesale abuse and found some apparent refuge in a twelve step program. The problem is I have no point of reference to recognise abuse prior to its affects. I have recently been diagnosed with C-PTSD and GAD at the ripe age of 55.  Please continue to tell your truth as it helps many to find there own. Peace.

[Multicolour]

Thanks to those who responded, it is good to know I'm not alone.