Trigger Warning ...Flying solo in the world with out family

[Indigochild]

I dont know where this belongs, but Halloween is what made me think of this...and this thought is about the past.

Writing here because Im awake, and maybe offloading will help.

It was Halloween tonight, and my partner went over to his parents for a short while, as they had guests round etc. after saying he wanted to have an evening in with me.
Ive been in the house alone as he has been away for a few days and am very hpervigelant and was terrified.
I was worried that he just said he wanted to spend an evening with me, but really he didnt, and i wondered if he found my company boring.
He said he only thought of going round after he said about spending an evening with me, because it is his nephews first halloween.

This reminded me that I have always felt i missed out on halloween festive, my family never did anything, and i have never been to a halloween party.
My mum thought trick or treating was begging (which i agree with to a degree..), so we weren't allowed to do it, but we gave sweets t trick or treaters and of course, I couldnt eat any because they were not for us.
My partner pointed out that that was strange and i had never considered that before.
Him going over, whilst I didnt mind, reminded me that I dont have any family.
I do, but they are uninterested in my company, I'm currently no contact with NM...and hard to visit dad who is drunk a lot and goes out with his partner all the time as though i dont even exist.
So basically, partners family arnt the best when it comes to being functional. I just feel angry and sad that I dont have a family I can go to - at all- for anything.

I said to partner that i didnt want to go home as last xmas was hard with dad.
Dad was depressed and drinking a lot - all very triggering and I'm afraid to be at his house alone, etc etc. wont go into details...

Partner said he wanted to spend xmas with me but that he would go round and see his family for a bit that day.
That is fine with me.
Tonight, like a delayed reaction, I suddently had a thought, and the thought was, that if I had a partner with Cptsd and a history ..and they didnt feel safe enough to spend xmas with their family, and their mum basically disowned them...
I would feel bad going round to my own family.
I would want them to know that i am totally here for them- even if that is selfish of me.
I have two fights going on in my head.

I am absolutley dreading this christmas.
And then the old familiar thoughts came back- ie. i am alone, partner doesnt understand, my own family dont want to spend time with me (know this from previous xmases) , neither does partner ...blah blah blah.

Then for some reason I remembered christmas's before dad drank-
before the divorce.
After christmas day was over, he used to ask me if i had had a nice day. I remember one time him asking and I wanted to cry. It was painful.
And it was because I wasnt able to acknowledge...the fact that the dad I used to know (or thought i knew) was no longer preasent-
our relationship changed- or rather, i just realised he wasnt there for me as a parent should, but i had no words for this, and i thought i was my fault things had changed between us.

Mum used to read the labels on the bottles of lotions etc. i got as presents, because i had trouble seeing what they were, and even though i could use a magnifier to read them, she still read them to me. I think she enjoyed looking at them with me, or maybe she thought she should be nice in front of dad, and when she did that, I wondered if she was actually accepting of my visual impairment...but her acceptance never continued.

This all makes me so sad, and I realise that maybe I am sad that those rare times when were were all together and got on *just because it was christmas*, is over.
It always has been, and its taken me going no contact with NM to realise this.
The dad i once new has gone. His issues have always been there, it wasnt just the divorce that made him the way he is now.
But he is not the same, and I will never get to have a christmas like that again (i only remember good parts, there were bad i blocked out).
And i cant have an xmas like that 1. because they are divorced and 2. because i realise how dysfuncitonal the family is, and how afraid of NM i am, (who I'm no contact with but lives near my dad), and how triggering and bad for my mental health being with dad is.
Part of me thinks, that maybe like others, I dont deserve that, to be ignored, spoken over, not listened to, exposed to a depressed, drunk, crying parent when i go back there.

I care for him a lot, he just wont get help. so I'm the one who has to do somehting- not to make him change as I'm well aware my not going back this year wont do anything, but for me, as maybe, just maybe, i deserve better and I'm not going to subject myself to a parent who is emotionally neglectful and has made it clear that he doesnt support my reasons for being in therapy (wont go into that again but i didnt blame him - only talked about NM) and wasnt my choice to have that conversation.

I know i might feel better if i could cry.  a few small tears is sometimes all i can manage. I hate smoking to rid myself of feeling, or rather, of these thoughts rolling round inside my head.
The only release is when i can talk things out in therapy.
Thanks for listening if you did, i know this was long.
Feel better now i have gotten this out.

[arpy1]

oh hon i am really feeling for you as you grieve what you can't have, maybe what you never really had, only in an impermanent kind of way.

i know how you feel about your dad, mine is very similar, and tho i love him, i don't have much to do with him since mum died. he doesn't want a relationship with me, never did, only even wants to talk to me if he's p....d. but it still is a deep lack inside. so i do feel the pain for you and i am glad you could get it down  and share it.  no wonder you are feeling insecure in your partner's love for you, with all this stuff milling around in your brain    from what you say though, it sounds like he really does care for you.

have been reading Mr Walker again, and he talks (i am paraphrasing madly here) about accepting our sad and 'bad' or painful emotions and not feeling ashamed of them or feeling like we have to stop them somehow.  he says that if we let ourselves feel them without panicking or resisting we have more space to decide how we want to respond to them. i have been feeling very down lately so it is helpful to try and learn how to mindfully accept that and not panic or resist it. just to let it 'be' without judgment.  hard to do, very hard, but i think maybe kinder and less stressful. also it makes me realise that i don't have change my feelings or even to want someone else to make it better, i am allowed to just accept it.  i don't know if i am making any sense, but i hope so 

anyway, what i think i am trying to say is it's ok for you to feel how you feel. and yes, you are right - you do deserve better than emotional neglect. you definitely do. and also that you are not alone in feeling this way, and not alone in having to deal with it. we are here. and we want to support you when you're feeling so sad. 

[Indigochild]

Hi Arpy1 and thank you for your reply- which was lovely btw. my message was a long thing to read!

I am so sorry to hear that about your dad. It is painful.
And I'm also sorry to hear that you have been feeling down. I hope it is all part of the journey of recovery - sounds like to me.

Thankyou for validating why i feel insecure.
I had more emotional flashbacks and intrusive thoughts today, and we talked a little. I think he does care. He said he really does want to spend time with me. Im very lucky.

Thanks for that, about just accepting what is. You are right I think.
I should carry on with this book.
A huge stopper in me feeling and expressing anger etc. is not just the stuff fro the past that stops me, but my partner not being able to deal with anger very well. He knows this is an issue for him. Maybe its when its more at him. I know anger in another can be scary.

I want to get to grips with letting myself be- whatever emotional state. I just think that someone will take it off me- make me feel bad for it but i understand where that thought process is.

Thankyou for letting me know I'm not alone and for the support. Its really nice of you, and i am here for you too.

Indigo