Grief upon grief upon grief...overwhelmed!

[EmoVulcan]

I never properly grieved, except for my last child, born sleeping.  The list to address seems to include what I never had, but needed, as well as the everything lost, including cohesion of self.
Here I am grieving my eldest son, who passed in 2003 of MD and all the cumulative losses are intruding and I feel I am pinned under them...and my mind is running in circles screaming unfair!
Life was never fair, and I sure never have expected fair treatment from anyone.
I never expected anything but from myself.
She cannot do anything but tell myself how I failed to keep anything good, bad or indifferent...I cannot get away, move forward, or stay in this tent.  No where to go, no one to see, no way to get safe, warm and supported.   
I cannot do anything productive for myself...and no will to produce any more for others.
Still that now irritating taunt of how anything is possible. No the truth of that eludes me now. Nothing will give any of it back, nor can I think it all away. I just want to sleep.
How to escape, just for a bit?

[eva]

EV - this is really tough; so much hurt and grief - I am so sorry - so much that needs gentle attending to, within you,  and  how to give yourself that space, since you  are, in actual circumstances, in a very difficult position ....

in a tent and not in employment, I know about: I have been there. not a safe feeling, so I do hope, somehow you can create a safer reality; certainly I can relate to "possibility" feeling like an irritation, since physical and emotional needs are so very real and urgent right now.
Practical things; are there any support services / homelessness groups or outreach / even mental and emotional peer support groups available to you, where you could: *access any provisions you might need, whether that be food, a respite shelter even for a couple of nights, blankets, etc *some  listening support from someone who may give you time and attention, so you can offload some of this to another human being who can at least understand how it hurts and is so fearful *get some signposting to what may be longer-term options?

so sorry if I am missing the point and  this is abc's of stuff you already know and yet nothing is available that is particularly feasible for you (been there, too) but I have read previous posts and just got a feel of your situation....  of course, to access any further options, you have to be somewhat "productive"  and as you say - your will to act is utterly drained; I know also how it feels to be so exhausted you can't take the next step, as you feel like you're staggering and no-one is holding out a hand to grab  you.

I am just thinking that if there are some community/ support services available to you - then could that be your place/ chance to escape for a bit? and sleep. rest and warmth is crucial.
is there any way that I (or others?) here could assist with "signposting" depending on where you are geographically??
I am so sorry for your deep loss and hurt. I could not cry or grieve in a tent, nor in the homeless hostel where I once spent 4 soul-numbing nights.
but somehow I did manage to go quietly into a "safe-space" inside myself. however, that is not sustainable...... I hope you can find some sanctuary and just take one small step at a time towards a safer place
Yvette.

[EmoVulcan]

Thank you, Yvette.  I been re-reading, remembering there is gentle, too.  I sent some e-mails to a few places for assistance, waiting lists abound.  I need to renew med and food stamps, And no amount of need has produced the want to.! 
Possibly am blocked because I have never gone so long without amenities, guilt irrationally returns, because need is becomming apparent.
Sometimes I think it is all a fear of being put somewhere against my will.  I am terrified of that possibility.  But, even though it seems I choose here, I know it is merely a place I have not been rousted from yet...no one likes to be out in the rain just now...so it is my perverse blessing and curse all at once. I am in Oregon, gladly where snow is rare.   Not that I ever thought I would be permanently camping when we landed here.  I haven't consciously tried to work through stuff, my son just has been asserting priority, and well the walls are weak with all still held in, cracks are wide, and I appear to be out of stop gap.
I have more fear of people than they have of me,  for they don't know I won't be desperate, and go postal, I guess...but I understand, no one has answers, but they do not want to be the ones to say so. 
I don't know where else to try, everyone is overwhelmed with need, not resources.  Tough to know, and hard not to feel sorry for myself, no one else can afford to, and I used to quip I am too poor to pay attention, now I cannot even prioritize my needs,  or stay focused..been hard to type this I am so distractable now.
Outsmarted by programs and guilt.

[EmoVulcan]

It all is too much...our past haunts hubby and I.  He is in jail, I am in *.  Cannot get past the horror of csa, and he downloaded cartoon bait files...I want to say it was me..I cannot abide this pain. Hate and loathing...an angry family who some wish I was jailed as well for allowing this thing.  This is just what I never ever wanted to experience, and I cannot face anyone, I cant inflict myself on people any more. Please, please make this stop, no more damage. No more abuse, no more hate.  I just see black.  I cannot be whole.

[Kizzie]

Emo, with utmost respect and compassion I urge you to contact a crisis line for some help. Things may be at their worst right now, but they can and do get better, especially when we have a helping hand or many helping hands for that matter.  Many of us have been situations that are desperate and are here and recovering because we reached out. 

Please contact one of the organizations at the link provided for help:

   http://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency/.