Holidays

[Dyess]

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving here in the States. Holidays are hard. You see families getting together and laughing, having fun and enjoying their company. I can't help but feel, why can't I have that? It's not that I don't care about friends and family, I guess it's the feeling of being emotionally numb, living in that bubble where the world goes on but I'm not connected with it. The only feeling that seems to take up with me is anger/fear. One feeds the other, drains my energy trying to keep it at bay. Anyone else have issues with getting together with family and friends on holidays?

edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum and the topic being of a specific personal nature. Feel free to start your own thread on a related topic or join a thread of a similar nature.

[arpy1]

hi Trace, sorry you had a tough time    it must be hard to see others enjoying what you miss. and yes it is draining keeping the emotions at bay. be gentle with yourself, won't you?  much support to you, and big 

i guess in my family, holidays like xmas, easter etc (no thanksgiving in the UK) have historically been so fraught and generally unhappy family times that i don't even expect them to be nice.  when the kids were small my crazy MIL used to wreck xmas for all of us, to the point that in the end i had to refuse to let her come and stay as she was upsetting the kids (and my ex, who was totally screwed up by her).  in my FOO it wasn't much better.  thankfully (or sadly, not sure which), like their mum, neither of my kids like xmas so there is no pressure to be 'jolly' any more. 

i have to confess, dysfunctional tho i know this is, i am currently finding the lack of connection with others a relief.  i get lonely sometimes, but mostly i don't even want to be with people, even my family, for long periods.  i just can't cope with being socially acceptable when i feel so bad!  probably doing them all a favour staying away! 

[Dyess]

I feel that the isolation is comforting too but I know it's not a good move. The longer I isolate the comfortable it becomes and when we isolate ourselves from people we are also isolating from life and I want to get back to life. Yesterday I took a leap of faith and went to a craft show, ga-zillions of people there, uggg. I made it through it without a panic attack or screaming at someone, but my muscles were so tight from the stress. Came home and couldn't sleep been up most of the night.

[woodsgnome]

I've had no immediate family for 40 years, so it's never an issue that way anymore. Youthful memories don't include many good times, so the nostalgia factor is from other sources; those I've observed from within my own bubble. And that hurts, to always be a step, or several, removed from the joy I see and wish I could be a 'natural' part of.

But I was invited to two small dinners this week with people I know locally. They were warm and nice but...it's kind of like I qualify as the needy sort, and both dinners included a couple others who fit that description in various ways (e.g. widows, work-release prisoners).

Mind you, the hosts 'like' me, but I yearn for a greater friendship with them, and their avowed admiration for me seems to extend just so far. Partly I know it's me; I project a slightly lonely but okay (strong even) with-it persona. And rarely can I break out of it, assert a desire for greater friendship beyond the boundary of someone who's needy. So I pack up the "care basket" of leftovers and wander back to lonely. And become invisible  again 'til their next dinner for the needy outriders. 

[arpy1]

Trace, that was a big achievement, even tho it was costly in terms of stress. hope you patted yourself duly on the back - not sure i could have done it. 

woodsgnome, i hear you!  i sometimes think that people like us are too astute and insightful into the hidden motives/feelings/whatevers of other people.  when you can see right through people, even the kindly meant (self)-deceptions it makes it so much harder to just accept when they offer you a hand of friendship.  i have no idea if there is an answer to feeling how you feel about this.  but you are not invisible to us. and certainly not a needy outrider here.  if that's any comfort.

[Dyess]

I truly believe that being happy and finding happiness is within us all. We are all different with different pasts, ideas, and outlooks. So there's not going to be one magic thing that will bring us happiness. We have to define/design our own happiness, and make sure the design is attainable and within our control. With this in mind how would you script your life, what is in your control to make your life happy? With me the answers seem to be very simple and easy, maybe by breaking down these ideas to smaller ideas would make it more manageable. Because we know that even if something sounds easy and simple to them we have problems with it. So I guess if we continues to break down those ideas until they are manageable pieces then it would be so overwhelming.

[Dyess]

Just watched a pretty good video on utube , search Kati Morton+How can I stop isolating? .

[Oakridge]

I had an interesting experience leading into Thanksgiving. I have done Thanksgiving alone for a bunch of years and have grown used to it and actually like it. I prepare a dinner. Take a hike with dog. And do other things that bring me pleasure. On Tuesday before, i started to get questions from several different people wondering where I was i going for Thanksgiving. They all knew i am single at this stage of life.  I would answer that i was going to hang at home. They would get this pained look and say how awful it was that i had nowhere to go. By Wednesday evening, i was triggered into a major bout of lonelliness and the blues. I still did what i planned, but I didn't find the enjoyment due to feeling i had nowhere to go. On Friday, my brother called to chat. As the call ended he asked what i did on Thanksgiving. I mentioned that i hiked, cooked and did other things i enjoyed.  He paused and then mentioned how sad that i had nowhere to go. I got off the phone and started to think about all these comments, and I realized that i did have a place to go -- my home, which is a wonderful and beautiful sanctuary. I rejoice that i am fortunate enough to have such a wonderful place to be. As i said this to myself, I noticed that the loneliness faded and I celebrated what is a very good part of my life. My home is also where i can safely crash when i am having a bad bout. So, it's interesting. It reminded me when my ex-partner was turning 40. He was fine with it until he got all the depressing b'day cards from friends and family about being over the hill and everything downward henceforth. He turned to me finally and said that he really wasn't depressed about turning 40, but after all the cards and calls, now he was.

[Dyess]

That sounds like a wonderful Thanksgiving. I worked in the yard. Going to have a Turkey dinner one day