Email Mission Accomplished

[I like vanilla]

Phew! I just sent a bunch of emails related to very important correspondence that I have been procrastinating for too long - the others involved have been worried about me + the communications were necessary for a big project that we are working on + my not sending the messages has really been messing things up for everyone - ugh! 

The emails, more likely the project, are somehow all 'triggery' and terrifying to me in a way that my T and I are trying to figure out  . I get terrified and dissociate even thinking about sending the emails. It's bizarre because it is a project that I want to do, in fact am very excited to be part of, and the others involved are wonderful and supportive. We (the T and I) are starting to suspect that it is not the project or people themselves that cause the triggers but that there are aspects of the project that are attached to other, less pleasant, experiences in my life. We are working on some hypotheses now, but in the meantime the project and related communications are still necessary.

I am all shaky and lightheaded right now  but the emails have been sent 

I also emailed one of the people in the group that I consider my friend in order to ask him for help.

I sent emails. I asked for help.  I am happy but also need to go and cry now, and have some herbal tea and maybe a hot bath and breathe and recover (and hopefully stop shaking and 'wanting' to leave my body).

Thank you. I just needed to share this with others who would get it.

[Kizzie]

Yay Vanilla, you may feel shaky and need to cry but the sky did not fall .  Wahoo!!!!    and 

[arpy1]

   well done, not just for the emails etc, but for weathering a big EF with kindness to You!! be proud 

[I like vanilla]

Thank you Kizzie and arpy1 for the kind words  . Kizzie, thank you too for reminding me that the sky, in fact, did not fall. Actually (below), things got better 


Update: Last night I spoke to the person that I had asked for help. My friend was extremely helpful and supportive . I am feeling so much better now. My friend also promised to support me in whatever way I want and need in communicating with and asking for help from the rest of the group.

My friend suggested I tell the group, in general terms, what is going on. At first I was resistant, but I think that might be the right answer. If I were suffering from diabetes, or high blood pressure, or a broken leg, there would be no issue at all in just saying that and asking for support. Why should I feel embarrassed or ashamed because I have CPTSD? I had no control over that (by definition I had no control over what was done to me), why should I 'have to' accept the 'blame feelings' for someone else's crimes? I am now practising saying 'I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and sometimes that means I will need a little extra support from the group'.

From my perspective, it is unfair that those of us with mental health illnesses, issues, and challenges are pushed into the lonely shadows by ignorance, stigmas and fear. CPTSD (and depression, bipolar, etc.) can be so isolating all on its/their own, and the problem is compounded when cultural norms further exile those of us with these challenges by making it taboo to even speak about it. It is just plain wrong that people cannot discuss their dealing with CPTSD, depression, bipolar, etc. in the same way that others 'are allowed' to talk about physical ailments such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and broken legs.

Yes, there are some places where it is unsafe (my work environment is one - I am not and will never be 'out' at work). And that too, is just plain wrong. However, I am starting to make a commitment in myself that where it is safe and appropriate to do so I will speak up (speak out?). Yes, sometimes I will be too tired or too afraid, or just not want to be 'the advocate' that day. And that is absolutely OK. But on days when it is safe and I am able and willing, then I will speak. I am tired of feeling embarrassed and ashamed of having CPTSD. I have no interest (and at the moment little capability) in being a flag bearer or 'charging into battle', but when I can safely do so, and when I am up to it, I will speak. I think this case might be one of those times, plus my friend (the voice of reason) reminded me that these people are 'safe' to tell (and might be relieved to know what is going on). Plus my friend promised that he will charge into battle on my behalf (if I want and need him to) should any of the group give a 'bad' response. I am hoping that if I can plant this type of seed, it will not only help the group function better (better communication among us and less 'mystery' about why I 'disappear' sometimes), it might also get people thinking and maybe create allies that can help break the silence. It's not a forest, or even a whole garden, but I plan on planting this seed and seeing how it grows.

Now, I just need to have the courage to do it... 

On that note, I need to sign off so I can get ready for work and do some more practising saying 'I have CPTSD and might need a little extra help sometimes...'

[arpy1]

you are a courageous person, Ilv. respect   

[Kizzie]

I have CPTSD and might need a little extra help sometimes

 

Sure beats "I have CPTSD and need to hide myself away because of it." 

I remember reading a post from some time ago that we are one of the last few groups to still be "in the closet" because of the stigma of having a mental health issue.  Perhaps if we step out a bit and "stress" to others that we have a "stress" disorder, a psychological injury that is quite treatable we will feel less like we need to hide away. 

We have an Olympic champion here in Canada, Clara Hughes who did a cross country bike ride a few months back to open a national dialogue about mental health issues such as depression.  So like Clara, way to go Vanilla for daring to open that closet door! 

[C.]

Thank you for sharing your success.  It's inspiring and affirming. 

Like you I've found that when I take those steps to work through my triggers with "healthy" people and then get a healthy response then it makes things seem so much better.  And it makes it that much easier the next time.  To recognize where and how to get support and then do so, until eventually the triggers become greatly reduced.  At least that's what I've noticed for myself in the work place and romantically, as I learn to appropriately assert myself and to ask for help, with HEALTHY people, the positive experiences seem to "rewire" my brain so that I don't have those bouts of mind boggling anxiety that makes me freeze and shut down. 

I also am learning to recognize the "unsafe" people and not open myself up in any way to them.  Since those were first my parents and my exH then I first didn't recognize the unhealthy people and predict their responses.  Now that I do I find the world so so so much easier to navigate.

Again, thank you for pointing out this step for yourself.  It's truly something to celebrate and feel good about, and you have.

[I like vanilla]

Thank you everyone for your supportive words. This feedback helped me have the courage to talk to my group.

I did it! I told them (my fellow group members). 'I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that means that sometimes I disappear for a while, and sometimes I need a little extra help'. Phew!  Of course, I took a few days to recover from it, even though it did go well.

They were, in some sense relieved to know that I was not angry with them, not thinking about quitting, etc. and not in an immediate life-or-death situation, or any of the other scenarios that had been going through their minds - I had no idea how much worry I had caused  They were also grateful that I had trusted them with the information and very respectful in their responses. Finally, they were so supportive and helpful in that we re-worked some of the upcoming tasks so that I have what I can manage, and others are taking on some of the responsibilities that had been giving me particular difficulties. I am still pulling my weight, but we re-organized to tasks that are easier for me to do (and less triggering). I did it! I am feeling proud of myself and grateful to be working with such a wonderful group of people! I was so scared going into the meeting that I was literally trembling in the washroom right up to the last minute. But my group made it so (relatively) easy for me. I am so, so grateful for that.

Thank you for sharing your success.  It's inspiring and affirming. 

Like you I've found that when I take those steps to work through my triggers with "healthy" people and then get a healthy response then it makes things seem so much better.  And it makes it that much easier the next time.  To recognize where and how to get support and then do so, until eventually the triggers become greatly reduced.  At least that's what I've noticed for myself in the work place and romantically, as I learn to appropriately assert myself and to ask for help, with HEALTHY people, the positive experiences seem to "rewire" my brain so that I don't have those bouts of mind boggling anxiety that makes me freeze and shut down. 

I also am learning to recognize the "unsafe" people and not open myself up in any way to them.  Since those were first my parents and my exH then I first didn't recognize the unhealthy people and predict their responses.  Now that I do I find the world so so so much easier to navigate.

Again, thank you for pointing out this step for yourself.  It's truly something to celebrate and feel good about, and you have.

C. Thank you for this feedback. I will trust in your experience that it gets easier with practice. I have not had enough practice yet to tell. But, I do plan to keep speaking when it is safe and I am able to do so. It helps to know that others have already starting to plant seeds. Perhaps together we will end up with a garden or forest (or both  ;-) ).

I have CPTSD and might need a little extra help sometimes

 

Sure beats "I have CPTSD and need to hide myself away because of it." 

I remember reading a post from some time ago that we are one of the last few groups to still be "in the closet" because of the stigma of having a mental health issue.  Perhaps if we step out a bit and "stress" to others that we have a "stress" disorder, a psychological injury that is quite treatable we will feel less like we need to hide away. 

We have an Olympic champion here in Canada, Clara Hughes who did a cross country bike ride a few months back to open a national dialogue about mental health issues such as depression.  So like Clara, way to go Vanilla for daring to open that closet door! 

Kizzie, Thank you for these words of wisdom. the 'need to hide myself away...' part really resonated with me; by coincidence one of the issues I have been working on in particular lately is to find my voice and stop trying to be 'invisible' in the world (hiding was a protective strategy in my abuse FOO).

Thank you too for the reminder about Clara Hughes. I too am Canadian and have long admired Hughes both because she is a fantastic athlete and because she seems to be such a beautiful person. That she has also 'come out of the closet' has only increased my esteem for her. I am flattered that you included me with her (though I am not working nearly at that level).

I would like to avoid a general political discussion (I imagine people on the forum are of various political stripes and respect everyone's right to have their own beliefs). However, I will mention that one of the campaign platforms that Trudeau ran on was improving mental health care and discussion, and creating dialogues to help decrease the surrounding stigmas (his mother is bipolar so it's a personal concern for him). My riding went Liberal so this is one issue that I will be following up on with my MP.

[C.]

Wow what courage you have to bring this to the group.  And what an amazing group.  This really is food for thought.  I need to think about my relationships w/people and how I can do the same in other settings.  Recognizing the safe settings is key.  I really wish that work places had the same level of support.  If some has diabetes people often change work snacks and being sensitive to anothers triggers and needs seems just as reasonable.  I've not yet work w/a group of people who understand this, but hope to find one...great food for thought.

[Kizzie]

Not to take this sideways too much but I was absolutely relieved and delighted when Trudeau got a majority.  He just seems to be such a caring, authentic human being who is concerned about being inclusive and capable of making real change.  He may indeed bring us "sunny days"    

[C.]

Again, thanks for sharing these ideas and sources.  Sometimes it seems things become labeled "political"when really they're simply human topics.  Like mental health, equality, health, justice.  It seems great to me to have people (including politicians) understand it's simply about finding truth and wellness, not a political agenda.