Disconnected from physical ailments

Started by blergish, January 06, 2016, 03:21:46 AM

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blergish

Hi all,

So today I had a strange experience and I realized it is something I do often. I've had a cold for the last few days but school just started up this week so I had to go to classes and finish up graduate school applications and a bunch of other stuff so I couldn't really rest. I don't remember how this happened, but today even though I still feel poorly I forgot about it?? Today I was studying (I am a math major in my senior year working with really abstract stuff -- think super hard logic puzzles) and I couldn't focus or think clearly and I got so mad at myself I immediately recognized that inner critic voice berating me for being tired and needing to rest when i've got so much to do, telling me i'm going to be a failure if I don't start the school year strong, etc, etc. I went to lie down under a warm blanket to try to handle the emotional flashback and then as I was relaxing I realized that I still felt really sick - sore throat, aches and pains, headache, etc. I don't know how to explain it -- I didn't STOP feeling sick today while going to class and studying. My body was still sick and still felt sick but it is like my mind didn't let me deal with it. When I was lying in bed I tried to focus on my body and take deep breaths to calm down and then I realized that part of what was stopping me from doing that effectively was a sore throat and then once I noticed that I noticed everything else too. I feel so scared and out of control that I could just suppress feeling sick like that without noticing or trying. Now i'm resting and realizing that i've definitely made myself sicker by pushing things while ill but how am I supposed to rest and take it easy when I keep myself from noticing when something is wrong like that?  Does this happen to anyone else? How can I get more in touch with my body?

Dutch Uncle

#1
Hi blergish  :wave: and pleased to meet you.

To start with your last question: To me it sounds you just have discovered how to get more in touch with your body.  ;D
This is an excellent starting point from where to get in touch with your body a bit sooner. Before you push the envelope too far. It's all a matter of practice.
I hope I don't sound daft or diminishing of your experience, but you did get in touch and you have gained awareness of both the sensation of getting in touch and the time before where you (and/or your Inner Critic) were pushing another agenda.
Progress.  :applause:

Studying is a hard job. I'm a poor student, so not the best to give you advise, but you may want to check out a student-advisor at your school (university I guess) who know a lot about time-management and the pitfalls that can occur in a senior year. Many students struggle in this phase, and getting 'overworked' is not something unusual. They know all to well, and they are there to help and assist you.
If it helps, remind yourself: Your tuition-fees are also used to pay their salaries, so you might as well make good use of the services they can and will provide.

And if you're sick, you are sick. Nobody can help that, and you are not responsible for germs flying up your throat. Tell your Inner Critic that.  ;)

Good luck with your Math Major.
:hug:

I like vanilla

I tend to do that with injuries; stop noticing that something is wrong, keep going even though it means aggravating the injury prolonging and worsening the pain, and getting upset with myself for being slowed down while injured.

I have some guesses that, at least for me, some of that derives from the fact that I was never allowed to have wants or needs when I was growing up. Extending that, to acknowledge the injury would mean wanting to have my pain acknowledged and needing to take a break to care for myself. Attached to that is the idea that I was taught that to care for myself is incredibly selfish and 'that which causes harm to someone else'. I was punished, overtly and covertly, for having wants and needs and for any sense that I might be practising self care (giving any type of priority to my own wants and needs).

Since learning more about CPTSD (I found out that I have it about a year ago), I am also starting to suspect that for me this 'not noticing' or '"refusing" (for want of a better word) to notice injuries' is related to dissociation and my freeze responses. I am starting to realize that because I could not fight back against the abuses I suffered (emotionally, psychologically, and/or physically), and because I really could not flee it (where, as a young child would I have gone?) I adopted the freeze response. In doing so, I endured the abuse without actually feeling. Afterwards, the dissociation helped to tamp down the emotions that came up. I am starting to hypothesize that my 'ignoring' injuries might be a continuation of that freeze-dissociation response; I freeze during the trauma of the injury then dissociate from the pain that I feel (or would otherwise be feeling) later on.

I hope that made sense. Plus, all of this is speculation, and based entirely on personal anecdote so it might/might not be applicable to others.

Phoenix

omg - this is such a major issue for me - thank you for starting this topic!!

I experience the EXACT same issue - when I'm at work (and in a crisis) - I feel no pain, no fear, no anxiety... so much so that in reflecting, I was and am clearly addicted to work... literally addicted - it's my drug of choice. Work distracted me so much that I would go to doctors or urgent care over holidays and it would turn out horrible things were wrong that I hadn't realized. Over Christmas one time it turned out my rib was broken and I hadn't realized it until the evening after the last day of work. Another time over the weekend my eardrum burst because I had realized how bad an infection I had was...

Meanwhile, my health (I'm sure thanks to this) has taken an insane turn for the worse and in October I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and my world ground to a halt. I took a couple of months off of work (because my boss thought if I just slowed down to relax I would feel better) but instead I felt worse because I was just trapped at home with my pain. I had to step down from my position because my illness has incapacitated me and I was responsible for too much - so now I'm essentially just consulting and I'm miserable. I miss work and I miss being able to escape from my pain.

Here's my dilemma though... so even when I'm not distracted - I've done this for so long that I don't understand what is wrong with my body. Sometimes I go to the doctor and I don't know what to even say? I don't know what's hurting me... and frequently they'll say - but this is wrong? how has this not been bothering you? and then suddenly it does start bothering me - like I had to be told about it to realize I was in pain. Sometimes they will press something and ask if it hurts and I will say - "no - but please stop doing it, I don't like how it feels - stop" and they blink at me like... so is it pain? And I don't know - I hate the sensation but I feel like I've felt other things that are more painful that were different...

With the Fibromyalgia... to try and learn to manage it, I'm supposed to "listen to" my body and understand what it's telling me. I literally have no idea. Every day my pain seems worse but different and I can't keep track... I'm so overwhelmed. Sometimes we end up in the ER and my husband always says "why did you wait so long - why did you wait until things were this bad to say something?" and I'm just like... I didn't realize they were this bad but then suddenly I did? I don't know...

I've started trying to do yoga - and in addition to the magic of Lexapro (which I just started a couple of months ago) - I've stopped hating my body to the degree I used to (where part of the problem was that I was happy when I hurt because I hated it so much)...
now I am trying to be more caring towards it - but I don't know what it's trying to tell me or how to help and I feel so upset.

I've been diagnosed with Disassociative Disorder as well as cPTSD and so I think I also tend to disassociate so much from it that I'm confused by it.

Any help desperately appreciated - sorry to add my problems to this instead of offering support or solutions!