new here, heres my story short form severe abuse warning trigger alert

[shells79]

My mother was a junkie/prostitute who was mentally and physically abusive. Was repeatedly molested, raped at age 12 then again at 16. My mom left when I was 12 been on my own ever since, lived in a religious cult for children for 3 1/2 years starting at 12 eventually put him in prison for 11 years but he's out now. 2 of my brothers committed suicide one I had to personally deal with all the details since no one else would including cleaning the room and house he killed himself in. Had a breakdown this year and now at 36 can't seem to push all of it down anymore, doing therapy, meds, was hospitalized this year but none of it is seeming to help. Can someone so messed up get over a lifetime of trauma?

[Trees]

Welcome, shells79.     

You have survived an incredible amount of trauma in your life.  And after all that, I imagine that it would take some time for meds and therapy to help you feel better.

Certainly you deserved far better in life.  You deserved to be loved and treasured and protected, and you still deserve all that, of course.  You deserve to be surrounded with peace and safety and love.  You deserve peace of mind and relief from all the memories.

On this site people often find a bit of comfort and empathy that helps them feel less alone in dealing with great pain.  Also there is a lot of good information from a lot of people with a lot of experience with cptsd.

I am so glad you found this site.  I hope you will stay in touch, so we can keep reminding you that you totally deserve safety and peace.  All the best to you and big hugs.            

[Boatsetsailrose]

Dear shells 79

Yes ! I like what I read about trauma that 'we intristically as people don't have anything wrong with us inherently' we did however have trauma happen that had dramatic impact on us -
I say it was 'given to us ' and now we find the ways to 'give it back ' put it in its right place ...
Outside of us ...

When I was 17 I made a decision within me 'I won't stop until I am free and 'get there '
It is now at age 42 I find 'I am there ' I finally have enough repair to feel it
It's been a road of personal commitment - reaching out and finding paths in all sorts of ways and being given a child trauma therapist who was nothing short of 'a gold light '

Shells 79 asks
Quote
' can someone so messed up get over a life time of trauma ?
It sounds ( and I can very much relate ) like the breakdown you've experience is your internal system saying enough it's time. When I look back my worst times in mental health were pinical points of change and direction ( even though it didn't feel it ..
May I ask about the 'but none of it seems to be working ' are u being treated now ?

Peter walkers book 'surving to thriving ' It is recommended by many here and I am finding it very helpful he also
Has a website
This forum is hugely supportive for me and I come on most days to support and be supported - it is a very humbling experience to be with people like me and to learn so
Much about the nature of cptsd and how it presents
A big part of it for me was the view I was 'defective, stupid and not normal' I can see more and more I have psychological damage and am v grateful that people
Before me have found solution to this hard to
Live with health problem

I wish you all the best wishes shells 79 on this your journey to healing and recovery - do not stop until you are satisfied -
One life one love one unity