damned if i do damned if i don't

[tired]

when things go wrong, when i am not a great parent or when a client gets hurt and i feel like it's my fault, i feel terrible.

when things go well, and the client is happy and i'm supermom, i feel terrible.  because i know it won't last, or i remember how bad i was before (in contrast to right now) or i figure i'm just delusional and i'm not even that good, so how terrible it is that i thought it went well.

[Dyess]

enjoy the good moments, celebrate them.

[EmoVulcan]

Tired, this religiously moral thing, if you were exposed to this thing young, especially in an impressionable state of mind....there may be a kind of hopeless faith state, that maybe women are more than susceptible too, given all the saintly traits are supposed to be found around unconditional love.  Or the love of a mother.  Pitocin, is the bonding hormone, and it is sent out in huge amounts before, during and after birth.  And is released every time a baby is nursed at the breast. 

And every time we have sex, in both genders, that is.

Given religious training, submission, selflessness, gentleness, and emotive is considered obedience to 1 God, husband and then self as I was taught. 

So, to be human, or drop ball we are guilty of nothing in fact...yet if our word was involved we broke that word, and we feel compromised in integrity.  Despite the plain fact of exhaustion ensues from trying to be ,Supermom, we already are being that...it stresses us out.

Yet, to call a time out, to be 5 minutes in quiet tranquility, is ever so elusive, when we feel selfish and guilty, for just trying to recoup!  I go to a movie once in a year...and not at all now, cannot justify it when we have no home, yet 10 dollars we held until it went I to the car, and not sure where the next sawbuck comes from, and we have no boots at the moment.

The bootstraps are frayed threads in our hands...so reality sure seems to have not changed, despite holding on in our hurricane of destruction.  The medicine we grew, and the excess we hoped to sell towards land, is not to be...OK..but we wonder about options, too moral to crimespree.  Too old, and yes damaged to work, and there is nobody willing to call us.
Cold and broke, what are we supposed to do we wonder, just go for someone else's brass ring, or freeze and possibly wake up dead?  Or am I just crazy?

The rules we live by have no kindness or logic it seems.