Friends don't like it when you start asserting boundries

[no_more_fear]

Hi all,

God, I'm so unbelievably pissed off at the minute, although if I'm honest I'm really covering up my sadness. This issue has been bothering me for a week or more but I kept dismissing it's significance. Let me explain.

So, I started setting boundaries recently. I've always been a huge people-pleaser in the past and have agreeded to most anything so that people will like me and therefore not abandon me. My friend had asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding, the catch was, the wedding would be held abroad. We're not close, so I was surprised, but happy. I was so bowled over by the fact that someone apparently liked me enough to ask me to be a part of their wedding that even though I could in no way afford it, I said yes. She told me she would pay for me to go, so I stopped worrying about the financial issues. I need my partner at my side through everything and decided I'd somehow manage to find the money to pay for him to come. I don't work because of disability and my partner only works part-time. Me and my partner can't even afford to go away ourselves. We haven't been away together in years, but I still put her happiness first.

She texted me a while ago and said that instead of paying for my whole trip she would give a small amount to me and my partner to put towards the cost. I think this was a manipuation to be honest so it looked like she was giving more when actually it was less. This amount was in no way enough and would barely have covered one flight each. I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately and decided to tell her that I couldn't go.

When we met last week she actually brought up the topic of how maybe it was too much pressure being bridesmaid considering everything that's happened in my life lately, like finding out I have C-PTSD etc. I said yes and thought I could get out of going to the wedding that way and therefore not have to bring up the monetry situation and thereby make her feel bad. She then offered that I come as a guest. I thought about it and said no and confessed that it'd really been about money the whole time and I was too scared to tell her the truth in case she got mad. She laughed and said no she wouldn't get mad, that she understood. Then a bit later in the conversation she said, 'nobody else better drop out of the wedding otherwise I'll get mad.' What the *? She knew I was worried about her getting angry and then she says that!?

Since that day I haven't heard from her. That was nine days ago. It's never been anywhere near this long since I've heard from her before, so I know she's not going to contact me. She knew I was seeing a new T this week and she never asked me how it went, although to be honest, she was never very interested in what I was doing. Anytime I met her it was torture because she wouldn't ask me any questions about myself. I could onlly last two-hours at a push. It was such a struggle to think of conversation. She had something big herself going on this week and I know she would have contacted me to tell me about that, so I'm nearly positive she won't contact me again.

I didn't get on with her that well. You know it's that codependant thing where you take anyone that actually shows up! I'm pretty sure she's a covert narc anyway because I always felt bad after I met her due to things she said. The main point is that I'm so isolated, I've only got my partner now as I went NC with my FOO a few months ago and her going off like this has brought up all my feelings of abandonment again and stuck me in a never ending EF.

I hesitated about posting this but I'm desperate to know if anyone gets this or has a similar story. I mean, this is what happens when you start setting boundaries, isn't it? I just need to know that I have you guys, some people who are with me. I feel so alone.

I'm sorry this has been such a long post and thank you for reading.

[Dutch Uncle]

Oh dear no-more-fear... 

Yep, relationships change if you start to change your position in the relationship. With some for the better, with some for the worse, and with some initially for the worse and than better again. (and vice versa)

I can relate how confusing this is. In a way we are throwing ourselves out of balance by changing our attitude/behavior (and rightfully so! I want to add) and we now have to find a new stable footing. And so do quite a few of the people around us have to do.

You mention this relationship has not worked out that well for you for a while now, and that you feel she's a covert narc. Based on what you said there I'd say: "Cut your losses and move on." Easier said than done, since it doesn't make it any less of a loss.

I hope and wish this situation will work out for you one way or the other.


Thanks for your kind words towards me and the rest of this community. I'm glad you are around to share.

[no_more_fear]

Dutch Uncle,

Thanks for your reply. You're completely right about cutting my losses and moving on. I really didn't like meeting her, but when I was with her it was alright because I'd slip into fawn mode. After I'd left her and when I'd switched back to myself I would start to consider what she'd said and how I'd felt at the time, which was very uncomfortable.

I was watching a Lisa A Romano YouTube video just now and she said how codependants will stay in a relationship that's not working because the brain associates more pain with the lonliness of cutting contact. Apparently we have to train ourselves to associate more pain with staying. I tell you, that was like a lighbuld moment!

Again thank you. I'm so grateful for the love and support here.

[Salsera]

I feel so alone.

Oh yes. I've had a few frenemies like this. In time you will see that it is better to be alone, than to be abused, or minimized, or taken advantage of, or belittled, or ignored, or humiliated, or........ You will be better off without her, and you will begin to recognize these bloodsuckers sooner in the future.

I say "Who needs them? Who needs this crap?" Not me.

She did you a favor by leaving you alone.

[tired]

I have a friend that I don't feel great about and recently I've been serif limits. Two weeks ago I was supposed to babysit for her and my car was having serious and unknown problems and I told her I couldn't make it. She got upset but tried to hide it in a similar fashion to what you describe. Her response to "my car is smoking and i don't know what to do but I know I can't drive it because I have no idea what is wrong " was not "oh no I really need you because my husband is out of town etc " . It wasn't even an emergency babysitting but just a convenience for her.  If it were me I would have said oh no go fix your car and don't worry at all about me etc.

Then last week same situation  we had a snowstorm and I texted I can't make it sorry ( I kept it short) and she said "uh ok". Not ,  oh of course you shouldn't even try . Which is what a normal person would say.  Then when I didn't answer she said your next car should be an suv. Not stay safe or don't feel bad or whatever.  That's what I would have said .

Again it was just a convenience babysitting and since she has money she feels superior asking me to babysit and pays me a lot.

I think our friendship is based on her feeling superior and bossing me around and me tolerating it .

[arpy1]

yuk, tired, what a c*w she sounds!!  frenemy is a good word for people sometimes!.  odd how we don't see it till it becomes so unpleasant for us... perhaps we all need to give each other permission to lose these Users so that we can learn how to give ourselves permission before it gets so destructive.

much support dear heart