i had to go to the mall today

[tired]

the last few days my car has been smelling like burning rubber and this morning there was smoke coming off a tire.  i decided to take it to sears because they were available and i figured i could hang at the mall next door and take my laptop and get some "work" done. 

i'm too tired to relate the series of unfortunate events and bad decisions.  i'll just say i left the house at 10:30 and got home at 3 with a cab. i'm exhausted from lack of sleep and mall trauma.  the noise, the smells, the lights.  my car may or may not be fixed by 6pm.  but it will cost mucho dinero.  my brother and my niece aren't returning messages to please send me the 400 dollars they owe me. 

these things are making me into a horrible person and a horrible mother and i am very sure it's because i am so angry at my mother right now i'm turning into a crazy person.  only a crazy person with a death wish would decide to hang out at the mall (aka "devil's playground")  for several hours. i have to get a grip on myself.  i'm really wonky right now. 

i am convinced this is about my mom but i don't know what to do. i went nc and she called me a couple of times but how do i get myself to a point of feeling resolution and peace?  do i tell her flat out don't call me? that would be a break of nc and invite conversation and i don't want that.  that would make me feel manipulated into talking/communicating.

how do i get rid of this curse i feel i have, that i will become a bitter person.

omg i just remembered something.  when i was 14, i was assaulted for the last time. i remember thinking, enough is enough, this is it, i'm ending this.  i was old enough to know that he was escalating and i couldn't have that.  so i started hitting him and i said i don't want to see you ever again and if i do i will tell everyone what you've been doing. he got this twisted look of rage/mostly fear and said you will grow up to be bitter and unable to love and i said something like, yeah whatever who cares, because i knew he was scared and just rambling.  but it just ocurred to me....

anyway
sigh

[Butterfly]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of things. Hopefully today is a better day.

As far as no contact, then no response is the best although real no contact as I understand it means she is blocked from contact. What you describe is no response if she can still contact you. This sometimes leaves us open to trauma from attempted contact.

Mall trauma and such things sometimes send me to self soothing for hours until I can get back to calm. Mindfulness techniques and practice helps also.

[tired]

I didn't think of that.  Her attempts to contact me have really messed me up. For a while I was feeling like she was out of my life now she is back in.  The problem is that she uses other people's phones so even though I don't answer anyone now she can still leave a voicemail. 

[Butterfly]

Oh that really stinks! The only option would be to change your number but if she knows people you know that could be an endless cycle. One friend I know never set up voicemail on her phone. Either she knows you and she answers or she doesn't answer. She does respond to text messages though and her friends know how to reach her. It's extreme but everyone does what they need to do to protect themselves from triggering issues. Have you thought of other ways to protect yourself from this?

[tired]

I figured out it was my sister's phone, and I blocked it. Which makes me sad because my sister isn't so terrible.  I think it was her work phone though, as far as I can tell, so she can still text me or call from her other phone. 

I sometimes get voicemail from the doctor or something so I don't think I can get rid of that. 

No calls in a week, maybe it's over?

[Butterfly]

Hopefully things calmed down for you still.

[tired]

since then
1.  my brother confronted me about seeing mom and i basically answered "no" with no explanation, just, i'm not going to
2. my sister had a small text-tantrum, about how "everyone" keeps asking her what my plans are, as if that was my fault
3.  my other brother said he was going to bring mom and i said that's a bad idea
4. my mom has been using my niece who is a child and texts me often, to give me messages which is so wrong. 

[Dutch Uncle]

since then
1.  my brother confronted me about seeing mom and i basically answered "no" with no explanation, just, i'm not going to
2. my sister had a small text-tantrum, about how "everyone" keeps asking her what my plans are, as if that was my fault
3.  my other brother said he was going to bring mom and i said that's a bad idea
4. my mom has been using my niece who is a child and texts me often, to give me messages which is so wrong.

I can relate. At the moment I'm in a situation that is pretty much the same.
I went LC/NC after last X-mas, so I hope it's a one time affair and next year I'll have more peace and will be spared the 'hoovers'.

Hang in there, Tired. 

[Butterfly]

Hang in there and hold steady! Eventually they may just understand you're not budging in protecting yourself.