Inner World?

[Phoenix]

This might sound crazy... but does anyone else retreat to an inner "fantasy" life frequently? I put fantasy in quotes because while it is imaginary and of my creation - for whatever strange, twisted reason - my inner world is actually equally filled with trauma.

I've only recently started trying to analyze it and think about why it exists and what it reveals about me...

Just curious if this was something anyone else had experienced.

[Butterfly]

It's terrible your fantasy world is trauma filled. My 'peaceful place' if it's like your inner fantasy life is more tranquil scenes I picture in my mind. Not sure if that's the same thing as you mean.

[BigGreenSee123]

I have less of a mental fantasy world than I did when I was younger but I think, as a kid, I had more of an inner life than others around me. This lasted for a while, too - into my teens. I had these story lines I would play out in my mind over and over again. They were always similar but I'd run through them each time in slightly different ways. It was like a cross between watching reruns of my favorite show and rereading the same choose-your-own-ending novel. I still remember the basic premises and sometimes, when I can't sleep, rehash just one in particular in my mind.

For me, I think these were used as a way of comforting myself, keeping my mind busy, entertained. Now that I think about it I think they receded as I got my own room and could use the TV as a pseudo-social comfort instead. They weren't exactly pleasant, but I don't know if I'd say they were filled with trauma. But I think, in a way, the story lines were an attempt to work out issues or dynamics I was dealing with. Maybe that's what's going on for you, Phoenix? Maybe it's just another way for your mind to try and work something out, make sense of something, or try and solve a problem.

[lambie]

Hey, Phoenix, I write stories in my head a lot, too.  I have different genres and characters, none are based on my actual life (they're a retreat from all that) but sometimes I use them as a way to resolve issues that I haven't resolved IRL. 

I have been doing this since I was small, and I assume, now, that this is my version of dissociation / numbing, when my feelings and experiences were more than I could process IRL.  My stories have a lot of drama, and trauma, but my mental protagonists handle it better, and with more help, than I do.

[coda]

Seems to me that when real life feels both intolerable and inescapable, retreating into a world of your own making starts as a survival mechanism and becomes a habit. It's like dissociation in that it's a necessary escape, and (especially when things remains difficult) can easily become automatic. But it's also different, because there's a strong element of control & self determination. This is a safe and private way to dream, imagine, hope. I think most people do this to some extent - it's where ideas & plans come from.

But when trauma is deeply ingrained even fantasy suffers. You have to first really believe that happiness is attainable, and that you deserve it.