Self discovery

[Dyess]

During this CPTSD healing journey have you found things that contributed to your CPTSD that you didn't know where there or an issue? Either through counseling or self exploration? And if you have uncovered some issues how do you feel about knowing about them now? Helpful, not helpful, confusing?

[C.]

I found a lot of things that trigger me.  Almost always specific types of interactions w/specific people.  I discovered the themes were people who were critical or judgmental of me.  Or people who ignored me at a time that wasn't appropriate.  I think I learned this in great part due to this forum, therapy, reading, writing and most important simply observing my emotions.  So when I felt anxious tracing back to the initial feeling, then figuring out the themes.  Then how to prevent occurrences.  For example, minimal contact with my ex.  And the hardest part has been learning to cope appropriately in the moment.  For me that's usually been learning how to be assertive with someone in the moment, not freezing and coming back to it or avoidance.  Simply responding appropriately at the time.  It's taken many mistakes and conversations to get me to that point, but I feel like I'm pretty close to being able to do this final step.

I'm speaking in generalities here so I hope this is along the lines of what you meant.  Your present a very important and helpful question.  Something that I would not have understood at all 6 years ago, barely beginning to understand 4 years ago, starting to understand one year ago, understanding now, and hopefully being able to act on most of the time in another year or so.

[Dyess]

This is all pretty new to me, but I'm learning and trying to understand the so many angles of CPTSD. How there are so many roads to get here. We have so many different stories but end up at the same place. Finding PTSD has been something I have been probably been dealing with on my own for maybe 49 years and did okay with it I think. No counselors, no medications, but then Dad's death opened the vault to many past trauma's, some that I didn't understand as traumas just part of life. But now I see they had more of an impact on my being than I thought. I'm just not sure it's helpful to know all that and I wasn't prepared to address all the past when I started this. My plan was to address why dad's death brought up these issues and be done with it. Now it looks like it will be a longer healing journey than once thought. Thinking about the original plan was enough to think about. Now all these other things weigh heavy on my mind and control most of my life. The intensity of the control is strong and little can be done even though I've tried the grounding, being in the moment and other strategies. I thought I was buying a necklace and ended up with a string, and individual pearls that I had to dive for.

[Dutch Uncle]

During this CPTSD healing journey have you found things that contributed to your CPTSD that you didn't know where there or an issue? Either through counseling or self exploration? And if you have uncovered some issues how do you feel about knowing about them now? Helpful, not helpful, confusing?

Oh yes. Loads!
At the moment it's overall still confusing. In the beginning it was not helpful at all. It's a bit like doing 'neglected maintenance'. I knew something was wrong, but when I finally looked 'under the hood', it was not very helpful to see I had to revise the whole 'engine', instead of fixing a loose screw here and there. Never mind I hadn't revised an engine in my whole life.    And I can't buy a new engine. Not because I can't afford it, but I happen to be a unique 'build'. A 'one of'.    I have to manufacture my own 'spare parts'.
(Hmm, I like this analogy that just popped up in my mind.)
I'm confident it will be of great help in times to come though. As it is I have the feeling I already started on the "piecing it together again"-phase. That will take a while longer still.

Great thread. Thanks.

(To a dear friend I once described the whole process as fixing the foundation of your house. By doing so the whole building is in danger of collapsing, so one has to be careful. And it's almost inevitable that cracks will appear in the walls while wrecking the rotten parts in the foundation, that need to go before new foundations can be inserted in the gaps. And perhaps even a whole wing needs to be torn down, as the foundations are beyond repair, or are found to have been build on quicksand.)

edit:

I thought I was buying a necklace and ended up with a string, and individual pearls that I had to dive for.

That's a beautiful analogy too Trace. Love it.

[woodsgnome]

For me, this ride with cptsd is like a multi-headed monster, with endless surprises. Just when it seems that some of it's better, that you feel you've solved a piece of the puzzle or moved past it, another rushes in to fill the void. It's like a constant waiting for the next challenge.

Nasty, pervasive persistent. Those are words which come to mind in trying to explain what most surprises me about this. How it can hang on and take over everything I do or say or feel. Like a moving craggy iceberg with peaks and valleys rising and falling among the waves. And it won't melt.

There's also the feeling of being on top of things one day, and feeling swamped the next.

Another surprising element is the sheer exhaustion, even when physically I've done very little to be tired. But I have this constant urge to sleep  ; paradoxically I can't/don't sleep very well at all, even in the most peaceful environment one could ever want for it. Still I'm exhausted beyond tired.

Finally there's just the disappointment of it all. After all the grief, anger, rage, and resentment it's ongoing and never ceases. Then I imagine all the what ifs and...well, imagination is one thing, but when this desperate longing is  all that I can ever have, it's disappointing. Then the hope disappears too, and all I want to do is give up, cry, or just numb out.

Just a dreamer. Not a failure (although I used to think so) but thoroughly disheartened. Familiar. No surprises.

[tired]

Lately either because of recent no contact or because of this forum I'm realizing many more causes I didn't think of before. It upsets me that I'm working on this so late in life but of course glad I'm realizing it. Unsettling but helpful. 

[Dyess]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I see that we are finding hidden issues , validations, reasons for why things are as they are. But are you okay with knowing about these new found memories? Sometimes I think they are better left alone, CPTSD is confusing enough without adding more to the mix. What do you think? Do you think all memories should be pulled from the shadows of the mind?

[C.]

I went around your question a lot for a while.  I think I forced memories too quickly and too soon at one point.  Then there's the other extreme, avoidance.  I've found that pacing is crucial.  I like to work on just the memories that affect my current reality.   For example if I feel triggered by something that happened at work or w/my BF I try to trace back to the original feeling, it's history and then bring myself up the present situation.  That's plenty to work on at any given time.  I've had a lot of help and general focus or direction from my T.

Also, I've had to figure out how to limit triggers.  One job had too many in any given day, it was emotionally unhealthy.  Now I seem to be finding a balance.  That's me and I know that all of us, although experiencing the same illness, have unique personalities, pathways and experiences.

Finally, it's hard, but I try not to focus too much on the time frame now.  It's discouraging.  CPTSD just is.  It's a part of who I am but not all of Me.

[Dyess]

Well that was kind of how I was feeling, don't add more fuel to the fire. But will we heal without bringing these others to the light? I guess there no guarantee that sharing all memories will prevent future down falls. Truly is complex.

[Phoenix]

Hi Trace (and all),

I feel the same way... lately, as cracks and leaks have started happening in my thick walls... hints of darker, more dangerous memories have floated near my conscious. I've often felt that I already have enough vivid nightmares to last a lifetime that I haven't managed to process... I do NOT need an onslaught of new things that I buried even deeper... if my memory is fine with retrieving the horrible things I already know... what on earth is the content of those vaguer thoughts...

The conclusion I am working with is that - no - I'm not going to try and push and remember them. I don't need to... I know enough of what happened and what it has caused in me and the steps I need to take to heal. I don't need to force myself to relive every single hidden, buried moment... I once thought that healing could only occur if I dug and dug and dragged everything into the light. But I no longer think that's necessary. I think maybe the bigger goal is to stop the insane fighting within me... stop forcing myself to think a certain way. Maybe, if instead I respect my memory and subconscious for making the protective decisions it has made and make peace with them - I'll be better in the long run!

Maybe in a week I'll have changed my mind again. But here's where my mind stands for at least tonight

[Dyess]

That sounds like a good plan Phoenix. I agree with you.

[C.]

I see what you mean.  I agree.  I tried to remember everything at one point to.  And I found the "trying" wasn't necessary since the memories seem to pour in uninvited from time to time...And like Phoenex mentions it's the making peace and understanding and thought changes in the here and now that are needed.  Eventually I came to a point of understanding the themes in my memories like the abandonment, not being heard or understood, abuse, neglect, lack of empathy, lack of boundaries, expected to care take adults, etc. 

So each individual memory lost significance and has slowly begun to be replaced with an understanding of the meaning of those memories in general.  The grief about the themes, the anger and finally the peace that it happened, it's over and now I'm in charge of me.  I will not abandon me.  I will take care of me.  I am lovable.  I no longer "need" someone to fill those needs b/c I've learned to do so myself.  At least, that's how I feel on good days...

Perhaps if a theme that I didn't know about surfaced in a memory I would need to remember something new again.  But for now I too feel like I've found enough in my closet to keep me busy and am not interested in finding more memories.  It's depressing and not needed.

[Phoenix]

Oh, the idea of themes as opposed to an onslaught of individual memories is so helpful!!! Especially because as I begin to open myself to this healing journey (and as I've recently reconnected with my younger sister) lesser memories have arisen that are less painful in the grand scheme of things but also seem random. When I put them in the context of the theme they actually seem helpful!

Thanks!!

[C.]

Your welcome.  I'm happy to hear the idea resonates for you.  My therapist pointed this out off and on, but it took me three years of his skillful therapy to reach the point of me understanding themes.  Funny how things can be right in front of me and I hear it over and over, but do not really hear or understand until I'm ready.  And exactly, it was a huge aha! and a relief for me.  Themes make things seem more manageable for me at least...

[Dyess]

Love it when a discussion gives someone that one little thing to help them advance the healing journey. That's why these forums are so important. We can discuss options, ideas, what's been tried, what's worked for you, what hasn't and just maybe something will click with someone else. So kudos to you guys. One step at a time