Bit of a crisis

[steamy]

Hi all,

I am in a bit of a mess and just need some support. I have been with a lady for 6years now. For most of that time I worked away. We have a small boy of two. Being away I only came home for a week every three months but since I lost my job I am here full time.

I have CPTSD and am in that decreasing spiral, too many failed opportunities and I have accumulated a bit of debt. Being with my son full time has been beneficial, but it has triggered a lot of memories. I have become really low and have quite a bad preoccupation with death.

We live in the same building as her parents who have my son for a few hours each day I have never been on great terms with her mother and I just blew up at her father a week ago.

This all doesn't appear very attractive to my SO and I have tried to get her to understand CPTSD.

she is not interested in helping me, she read some of the bloom paper and told me it was too difficult to understand. She will not engage in any kind of discussion about it.

She has become cold and has pretty much indicated that she would rather I was not here. This triggers all my abandonment fears and makes me even more down.

I would get out but I have no money and nowhere to go, so I must try to stay until I have work again. I have spent the last few months with my son and now have a strong bond that I don't want to break.

I try not to engage in end of the relationship chats I have been through this before, I always find myself with women who turn out to be cold and unable to love, so by the age of 48 I guess I have it nailed!

I am not in my home country,  I have no friends here and feel like every one is ganging up on me. I am also being denied the opportunity to explain why I am the way I am.

I can see that I am being scapegoated, but there is no way to talk about what is going on. I have tried but clearly I am crazy. The trouble is their denial is triggering me and I need to run.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi steamy 

Yep, that's a tough spot to be in. As a long time bachelor I can't give you much solid advice.
But I can say you are an OK man. 

Loosing a job is depressing, I can relate to that. I'm in the same boat.
And suddenly living with your wife and kid is a big change, for all three of you. It takes time to adept.
It's a pity cPTSD is not a subject the can be discussed. It leaves you alone to fend with it. Well, not alone, you have us. 
She tried though, but it's way over her head. Well, don't we all feel it's way over our head? It's even way over many T's heads, is what I have gathered from the experiences shared here on the forum.
I suggest you try to drop the cPTSD ball with her. That must be hard for you, but unfortunately that ship is not sailing.

It's wonderful though that you have bonded with your son, and possibly continuing on that avenue, with your wife, will make things a bit easier.
You haven't shared what the "blow-up" with your father-in-law was (and you don't have to!) but a blow up now and then is OK. It happens. You're under a lot of stress, perhaps FIL is too.
If you feel it's appropriate to apologize to him, do so. If not, don't.

If possible, find a volunteer job. Something to keep you occupied, you might also meet some people that way, make acquaintances, perhaps friends even. Any 'cultural center' or so relating to your home country/nationality? Do you play outside with your son? Playing grounds can be great to make some contact as well. You must have plenty to chat about regarding witnessing a small child growing up. Shared experiences make for great bonds.

I hope and wish things will get better for you. 

And remember, baby steps for you too! 

[steamy]

Thanks Dutch Uncle,

I agree adjusting takes time.

I take him to the forest and the church nearby has swings and a slide that we use but i never see anybody. I have tried to get my SO to find a toddler group that we could go to as he is autistic and could do with the social interaction.

I blew up at my father in law because he always destroys my efforts. I am a keen gardener and have spent weeks working in the garden, I have planted a number of shrubs and created kitchen garden. Everything has been destroyed. I either find that he has simply pulled them up or he will put objects  such as planks of wood on the plants, crushing them. He recently allowed the neighbour to build a wall and didn't get them to make good, the topsoil was gone leaving clay and stones, and bare earth where there was lawn. I had vowed never to touch the garden again except I wanted an area for my son to play. So a couple of months ago I weeded and seeded an area behind the house. I went out and found that he had put piles of wood on the grass completely avoiding the concrete area. I now believe he does it consciously or sub consciously as a means of having power, passive aggression.

Everybody then gang up to make me feel bad for objecting. Its not my house or garden and yes they can do what they  want with it. I don't understand why anybody would chose to live in a place which has so much potential but never do a stroke to keep it tidy.

A few times they have "lost" my son, they were supposed to be looking after him, he comes to me and a few minutes later they come looking. I get upset because he managed to open their front door and climb stairs on his own before anybody realises he's gone. Soon he will want to explore the street. It happens once every two weeks. They wonder why I am touchy. My beef is that they are not engaging with him and simply putting him infront of the TV.

I agree that cptsd is over peoples heads, conventionally, we get judged on our personality, although folks will agree that we are the products of our experience, they can't figure that negative experiences have negative effects on us.

[Dutch Uncle]

Good grief, steamy...FiL... 
I guess apologizing is out of the question.     What an I would too! Destroying your work in the garden...
Does this man have PTSD? (or MiL for that matter? I ask because of your place of residence) How did they survive the war? (possibly not the best subject to bring up with them... I'm just curious.)
Good grief, once again. I feel for you. 

Everybody then gang up to make me feel bad for objecting. Its not my house or garden and yes they can do what they  want with it. I don't understand why anybody would chose to live in a place which has so much potential but never do a stroke to keep it tidy.

That's hard. Never mind they don't do anything, destroying the work you have done is way out of line. Especially from FiL. And if you are living in with them, it IS your garden as well, IMHO. But obviously my opinion is of little concern to them.

A few times they have "lost" my son, they were supposed to be looking after him, he comes to me and a few minutes later they come looking. I get upset because he managed to open their front door and climb stairs on his own before anybody realises he's gone. Soon he will want to explore the street. It happens once every two weeks. They wonder why I am touchy.

For what it's worth, I don't wonder at ALL why you are touchy. Good of/for you to take a stand there. You're the primary care-giver here. If MiL and FiL are acting irresponsible towards your kid, you are damned right to have an issue with that. What's your wife's take on this? Forget about the garden for a moment, but this is her child too. She really should show concern about this. Does she? I hope she does. She should be on your* side in this. Not on her parents side.
Though that might be easier said than done. Do you two talk about these matters?
*) read: her kid's side <--- and possibly you need to point that out: it's not about taking your side, but her kid's side, just as you are on your kid's side, not "against her parents". I hope she can recognize that.

I take him to the forest and the church nearby has swings and a slide that we use but i never see anybody. I have tried to get my SO to find a toddler group that we could go to as he is autistic and could do with the social interaction.

I see. Autism in the mix as well. Tough.
I agree it's important to give your son the attention regarding autism that he needs. I assume he has an official diagnosis? Does the healthcare-system over there provide for anything? Primarily meaning: they have specialized care available for him?
I have a dad whom I suspect to be Asperger's so I somewhat relate. (He's not diagnosed, in fact how could he have been? Asperger's only "in view" for one or two decades now, so of course it was missed. (and it's just my amateur diagnosis anyway))

Perhaps reading up on autism can give you some time "off" from the stress of cPTSD and the "extended family business". I must say I found it quite interesting to read about Asperger's, and I have the distinct feeling that my understanding of it has improved in some ways my interactions with dad. Even though it stays awkward. But I suspect that with your son and the 'early detection' things can and will be a lot more positive.
What does your wife think of son's autism? How does she cope? It must be hard on a mother too to have a son/child that regularly doesn't respond/react like 'all the other kids do'.

Well, there's a whole post again of Mr. Bachelor with-no-kids-himself. 

Take care. As you already do. 

[steamy]

Yeah a lot of stuff here lol.

The war didn't affect Zagreb much, the Serbs only tried to bomb the TV mast apparently. It was much worse to the south and east. It was a great observation of yours as I often joke that I am turning into him. He's an intelligent guy but I don't think he had a job since the destruction of Yugoslavia and the introduction of the "free market". So yes I think he has CPTSD too.

My son has had an official diagnosis, he is what they call hyposensitive, he takes anti convulsant drugs for epilepsy which I think probably contribute to his numbness.I have read a fair bit on autism, we take him to therapy 4x per week, the Croats are pretty good in that respect even though i suspect the government therapists are less than motivated.

We don't talk much about these things despite my attempts to get her to open up, she did say that the autism is a stress factor, I also think that it has escalated my symptoms too. She does put a lot of effort into our son although then has crazy teenage fits too. "My mash is too hard, she doesnt like poatoes now afterall and didn't i know she wont drink cold milk!" Living at home for 40 years means you don't grow up fully and develop your own sense of self. She has a lot of work to do there and I doubt looking at her mum (60 odd years in the same house) that she will.

I have a couple of job applications in, one I put the wrong job title down, lol, that's what we CPTSDers do! The other is only short term but the organisation have a million preferences such as being fluent in French, experienced in carrying out component studies and being based in the UK even though the job is in Burundi.... I barely meet 1 of those criteria but given that there are only a few hundred prosthetist in the UK I doubt if anybody there is without a job and meets their silly criteria.