New member

[cherthom]

I am new to the group and trying to heal from being abused by my narcissistic mother and scapegoating family. Reading the information on the effects of CPTSD, I see so many of the things that I feel, that I have experienced. I do feel like no one else in the world knows or understands what I have been through. I feel abnormal, like I am not made for this world. A mother's love and care is so basic to normal life. But, my mother hated me and I was never able to figure out why. I tried my best to be what I thought she wanted me to be, but even when I did exactly what she told me to do, something - everything was wrong. I reached a milestone birthday this year (I'm 50 years old) and sometimes I feel like I've lived long enough because even though I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful daughters, the overarching feeling before I married was extreme emotional pain and sorrow because of the way my mother felt about and treated me; and when I married and had children I was not able to fully feel the joy of those events because of cruel things that my mother did each time. So even though I felt happier at those times than I ever had, there was an underlying feeling of sadness and pain caused by my mother. I think back on some of the things that my mother said and did to me and any one or two of the individual incidences might have caused someone who hadn't been abused decide to end the relationship. But I just kept on trying to make the situation better. I really didn't even know what 'better' was going to look or feel like because everything that my mother had ever shown me was that she hated me. But her saw her treat my brother and sister, and even other people's children differently. So, I guess that was what I was trying to have. I have realized that everyday for my entire life that I can remember, I woke up with my goal being 'trying not to make mama mad today'; and went to sleep most nights crying because I was not successful. I am an engineer by education, so I think of many things in numerical terms. Before I married, I lived a little over 8000 days being hated by someone I unconditionally loved, and by the time my mother passed away that number had nearly doubled to over 15000 days. I've also realized a couple of other things - talking negatively about mothers is a 'no-no' in ours and many other cultures. So typically no one wants to believe my story(ies). Also, the way a mother feels about and treats her children sets the tone for the way the rest of the family treats them. And what I feel is the worst thing is that most parents feel like because they give birth to a child, they can say and do whatever they want to that child - sadly, that typically goes unchallenged. That definitely was my experience in my family - it was told to me very matter-of-factly. I'm tired of all of this hurt and pain and don't want this to be my story anymore. I want to create something better - I want to learn how to be happy. That's why I'm here.

[woodsgnome]

Nice to see you here .

One of the keys in my cptsd horror trip involved a mother situation similar to your story. I don't know if I'll ever achieve the "happy" part, but I'm doing better at reaching an acceptance level that's allowing me to gain a fresh perspective again.

I've actually, in one form or another, been working on recovery for over 40 years. Discovering this forum has been huge in helping me feel less alone and discovering more healing.

So that's my wish for you--settle in, look around, and create that "something better" you've dreamed about finding.

[tuathanas]

I believe your story. I've had the same experience, even with the rare sympathetic listener, they usually don't want to admit to themselves that such a thing as a truly vicious mother (who looks completely normal) exists. Being heard about that either by a fellow survivor or a mental health professional can be a surprisingly profound relief and be very powerful.

All the best to you

[Madison2021]

Hello
I do understand your story.  My mother is a very uncaring self absorbed person.  I won't get into the stuff she has done to me but she truly is an evil person.  I do hate so much when people say you only have one mother so you should love them.  I totally disagree with that statement.  I have nothing to do.with my mother.  I feel as a mother you have a very high standard you should uphold as being a loving and supportive person to your children.  If you fail to do so it is much worse than any stranger.
You have every right to be angry with her.  She should have treated you like the beautiful person you are!!

[tired]

The way I get over that taboo against bad mouthing mothers is to say this : There are cruel people in this world, people who have serious problems and don't know how to love properly . Sometimes those people give birth.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi chert hom
It is good you are here and on a new leg in your recovery -
Thank you for sharing

My story is very similar to yours and I hear the pain that u experience as the pain I used to experience - it's quite a process to come out of that pain and be free --
My m seemed to be suffering from bpd and the splitting behaviour is common as a projection of the pain that the person feels ... I see it now that actually I was the one she felt most identified with to share that pain - it was unfortunate  ( and she genuinely seemed not able to see any of it as damaging -
I came to a place of full letting go and forgiving ( not forgetting )using process of 12 steps .. There is a fellowship ACOA where people have  Healed through having dysfunctional family -

I genuinely have no anger today for perpetrator and my grieve and sadness have been in the main part lifted -

A new life is very possible -- I am now 42 yrs and just seeing I am getting some good recovery under my belt - its been a long road to stability for me and I am not without symptoms but feel more equipped

This forum has/ is wonderful and the support and kindness is so healing
Peter walkers book is talked about 'from surviving to thriving' and is extremely good

As you talk about the loneliness and not being understood in the world  - it's of such high importance that we surround with others who do understand - and through that as individuals we can heal further and look back and say 'that's where I came from and look at me now ' being the person we were always meant to be - still with its challenges but non the less happy -
Our human right and our destiny all along

Quote  'I want to create something better - I want to learn how to be happy '

Go well with assurance that it is very real and tangible to create not alone but in the company of others who share and move together

All best wishes to you