Newbie saying hello

[lambie]

I'm a newbie, and wanted to introduce myself.  I'm a woman in my mid-forties, and I have C-PTSD and an eating disorder.

My story is pretty mild and run-of-the-mill, particularly compared to much of what I have read here.  You all are incredibly brave, and tough, to survive what you've been through.  As for me, my father was a functional alcoholic who was very verbally abusive (and occasionally abusive in other ways as well).  My mother felt totally trapped by him, and couldn't really protect either of us.  Her solution was to feed me to make me happy, and I quickly became a chubby kid.  School was another level of * because I went to a tiny school, and was with the same dozen kids from Kindergarten through 8th grade, and in addition to being fat, I was awkward, nerdy, and socially stunted compared to my peers, because my parents sent me to school early, because I was book-smart.  So, there really was no 'safe' place for me to be.

I grew up to be a self-hating, fat adult who had what I used to think were random panic attacks, and what I now know is being triggered.  The triggers are driving me crazy, to the point where there are some days when I can't function at all.  I have a great therapist, but I am interested in hearing from other folks who are living with this day-to-day.

[Eire]

Hi Lambie!

Just read your post, growing up is tough for anyone but I can appreciate your circumstances uniquely.
I have some strong abandonment ptsd and when I get triggered I shut down completely and my inner critic starts listing off all the reasons I'm not a good person, why people wouldn't like me and reject me (even when it's not true!), how nobody is going to stick with me or stick up for me, etc.
It's bad, sometimes it sends me into a hyper-arousal state and I'm up for the next 16 hours simply because I got triggered and someone in my family said something to me that made me think they don't want me around. I try to remember all the good times I've had in life and any good impacts I've made.
I listen to Tony Robbins, louise hayes and other people's affirmations and try to use them myself.

The best thing that has helped me day to day, is waking up and first thing in the morning telling myself "that I deserve happiness" that my "happiness" is gong to bring other people "happiness" etc. Sometimes it doesn't work, especially if you've just been triggered, that inner critic's voice is so strong, but I just take it a day at a time and on the days I'm not feeling horrible or bad, I really try to make the most of it.

I'm brand new here also and I deal with a lot of self-hating so of course you aren't alone.
Welcome and I hope we can all help one another a little bit at a time.

[lambie]

Hi Eire, thanks for the welcome.

Your inner critic and mine sound like they get together and compare notes a lot, and I like the suggestions for bringing out the alternate point of view.  Thanks also for reminding me that I'm not alone. 

Looking forward to hearing more from you and about you.