binge eating journal

[tired]

I'll look it up.  A lot of plans work if you do them. No plan -- never works.

[tired]

I had another half gallon of grapefruit juice , a half cup of coconut , a few tsp honey, a grande skim latte, and a pat of butter.  I worked out a lot. So tired.

I also had a kombucha drink . I keep forgetting all the crap I eat.  I keep telling myself I should sit and have a meal instead of acting like a raccoon stealing scraps. 

[arpy1]

don't have any brilliant suggestions, tired, but i am standing with you here.  you are doing fine despite all the stress and pain that the food thing is causing you.  just wanted you to know i am supporting you.

[tired]

thank you

i'm going to make assigned mealtimes.  then whatever i'm going to eat will be during that time. that might help.  i had tea this morning with stevia; wanted some caffeine without the hassle of coffee that might involve milk or cream. 

[Dyess]

<<kombucha drink  >> What is that?

[tired]

synergy kombucha is a drink that has some carbonation but is healthy. which is why i drink it.  it's expensive so usually i have club soda but kombucha isn't quite as carbonated.  it has probiotics which i imagine are good for my digestion, assuming i have any digestion happening.

i had a bit of coconut and honey today, more than i should have, and a pat of butter.  also a pint of grapefruit juice  so a total of probably 800 calories of weirdness.

and also after i wrote that i was going to have mealtimes i immediately forgot about it. i remembered later in the day then forgot again.  maybe it doesn' t matter. i don't eat for health or to eat i just eat so keep away the binge.  that's all .  my only goal is to keep myself from getting so hungry i binge so basically i eat small amounts of dense food so i won't get hungry at all. if i had a salad, i would feel bloated but still hungry because a salad is mainly air and bits of sticks.

[Dyess]

I eat once a day, but am a night eater. I get up several times during the night and eat, so I try to leave out or have available something healthy to eat. Most of the time I don't remember getting up and eating, just see the evidence in the morning.

[tired]

the last few days all i've had has been coconut, honey, butter, kombucha and grapefruit juice. and cider.

today it was an eating day but i didn't want to eat crazy bingey so i didn't go to the grocery store to buy crap food. i did eat what i had at home plus two nonfat lattes.  what i had at home:
chicken, sausage (low fat), beans, four tiny brownies, crackers with butter, yogurt, apple, bit of pear, spaghetti squash, sugar free chocolate milk (nonfat). trail mix.  that's all i remember.

hate myself for the brownies.  i ate the trail mix then felt guilty and punished myself with brownies.

[tired]

Can't seem to lose weight. I started exercising more, a lot more, and that helped me eat/binge less.  I did too much and got tired though. Not injured but just tired.  It made me angry.

My mother tried to call or at least I think it was her calling from my brothers phone . He would have left a message.  It made me want to hurt myself with food . 

Yesterday for the first time in weeks I had a few minutes of being hungry and it was the oddest thing.  I thought well maybe I'm getting better because normal people will get hungry then eat.

[Dyess]

Try the rule I used when I quit smoking. When ever I wanted a cigarette I did jumping jacks, or some kind of exercise. Jumping jacks were easy to do since they can be done anywhere. I hate to exercise, so this was my punishment for wanting the cigarette It worked for me

[tired]

I have an exercise bike I really hate but I can put the laptop on it.  I'm going to try that. Every time I feel like having something with a crapton of calories I will get on the bike and write something here.

I think moving my body will help because eating this way is basically giving up. When I do it my emotion is "I don't give a crap anymore". I mean who cares if I'm overweight.  I won't be the first overweight fitness trainer in the world. Or worse, I give up on life entirely and think ok I've lived a long life and I have done a lot and in the past I've been in great shape. I experienced all life has to offer and then some. Maybe I can just give up.  A lot of people give up and why can't I . Anyway exercise is the opposite of giving up.

I had Ritalin red bull and grapefruit juice today.  I'm not at all hungry.

[tired]

i got slightly better the last two weeks and lose a pound or two. not bad considering thanksgiving.  i've also been working out more which makes me feel better. i started walking faster and got to where my body hurt so i guess i pushed myself, which is good. i don't make it to the gym every day so i end up with rest days anyway. 

today i ate some christmas cookies we made otherwise ate  a lot of chicken and turkey and basically food, not junk. i don't know if my body digests protein.  i feel like it sits there but maybe it's my imagination.

i feel bad about the cookies and i'm hoping it won't send me over the edge. i've been staying away from fast food and junk .  my house is full of food that is easy to binge on but healthy like prepared vegetables and meat and sweet potato. i had so much meat today i have no appetite so the rest of the cookies are safe.  it's pretty low to basically steal cookies from children.  i mean they are made for a kids' party. 

anyway. that's that.

[tired]

This is the one are in life where I am making little progress

[Dyess]

some progress is better than no progress Hang in there.

[tired]

i seem to turn to food every ten seconds lately.  i started putting juice into the freezer in containers and when i have the urge to eat something i grab that.  somehow i get satisfaction from the activity of hacking into the slush. it gives me something to do. i think i get restless and unfocused and can't function and the things i need to do are big tasks. eating a snack is a small task.

i want to change and i want to stop being miserable so i want a symbolic act that ends this way of living. so i indulge in one last binge to say goodbye to abnormal eating.  this is the last one i tell myself.  i had two mcdonalds cheeseburgers last week which is the kind of food i haven't eating in years; my binges are just large portions of my usual healthy diet. but i told myself, i'm going to take a week off of my routine and heal myself once and for all and before i do, i will eat the worst crap i can think of.  then i did some unpleasant tasks like paperwork that i was avoiding, and then i started working out again.  i stretched, which i tend to avoid. basically my strategy is to do things i avoid .  it's like that saying, nothing changes if nothing changes. i don't know what it will take to fix myself but i know what i've been doing isn't working so i'll do something different.  and if i find that something works, i'll keep doing that.