binge eating journal

[Kizzie]

As I read through this thread I was so struck by the constant battle you have with food that you have tired, I am the same.  Long story short, I have gained and a lost a few small children several times over the years and nothing I have done so far seems to get at why this is the case. 

Through CPTSD though I think part of what is happening is that comfort food is the one thing my Inner Child steadfastly refuses to give up for long. It was my only source of comfort as a child, and got me through many lonely, frightening, empty times.  When everyone was asleep at night I would get some food (junk food typically) crawl into bed and eat, lay there feeling comforted by the food and safe because my FOO were asleep. When the word "diet" comes up nowadays I can feel her freeze up at the mere thought.  I wasn't aware of that before getting into recovery. 

Anyway, here I am I'm 60 and still doing the same thing.  At least I know now that part of this is related to struggling with younger me over taking away this long-time comfort, eating treats at night which makes everything better and safe.  What to do about this,  that's the question!    My gut is telling me I need to stop both battling with her and giving in to her as well, neither is good for me.  I guess that leaves replacing food with other healthier comforts, finding healthier foods that are comforting, being compassionate about why food ended up being a reliable source of comfort and love (i.e., deal with the feelings that need comforting), teaching her about nutrition and exercise in a fun way rather than imposing it on her and not be  perfectionist. 

I don't quite know how to go about this, but like you tired I just want to stop fighting myself over this.  Nothing changes if nothing changes I agree so maybe trying to deal with eating from a CPTSD recovery perspective might help.

[Kizzie]

Just saw this interesting article Butterfly posted in another thread - https://stopstressweight.com/is-stress-causing-your-weight-gain/

[tired]

This is such a frustrating thing for me. I was doing well for a long time and sometime after the drama and nc with mom I decided I was going to cope by eating. I really do feel that element of choice. 

Once the habit started it stuck as habits do. I tell myself what I tell clients- you developed a bad habit and you can just as easily develop a different better one. There are after all other ways to get comfort and you chose this one.

The problem I'm having is not wanting to make the better choice.

I made a list of things that bother me  that I want to change. I want to put my clothes away, I want to finish my paperwork. After two weeks I realized some of those things were getting done. I also saw that eating issues was not on the list . I don't get specific enough and thats the problem. You can't just say don't eat. Or only eat healthy. It's not always obvious what's healthy and there isn't always an answer so over the last few days I ate a lot but it was all healthy. However massive amounts is never healthy.

I'm thinking today I will write down some specific things . I have to ignore outside influences ex people might say a certain food is good for you but for me it happens to trigger a binge. Why is complicated but it doesn't matter.  I tell clients that I won't tell them what foods to eat but o will give them nutritional guidelines and so for myself I have to pick only those foods that don't trigger me and as long as  not deficient in anything I shouldn't change it. 

I am hoping that like everything else spelling out a plan will make it happen. It has to be specific. I have to eat something -I can't just not eat.

Anyway I am so heavy now and upset at how much I ate although it was more protein than usual. Last night my daughter got ice cream and I asked for 100 calories worth which guess what is a very tiny amount. She duct taped the package neatly and put it into the freezer so we wouldn't be tempted to finish it. I wasn't tempted which was surprising but maybe it was due to the protein which I rarely eat. I wasn't hungry.

Last week I exercised a lot and I told myself that I should focus first on exercise before I worry about food amounts.  At the end of the week I started to worry about muscle mass and strength hence the protein. Now I'm ready to focus on the amounts I eat .

I want to also make it a rule that I can only eat out of a plate and I have chosen a nice set and a tray. I'm debating the chopsticks haha.  It's always good to appreciate food. I feel wasteful when I binge and I don't think it's right in a more general sense. I don't agree with our culture of self indulgence . (Maybe I am somehow seeing our culture this way ) Not for looks and not even just for physical health. It doesn't seem mentally healthy to overindulge in anything just because we can. When I tell people things like this they think I'm saying women should be thin because that's prettier and it makes mad. It's not about that. It has nothing to do with looks except for the fact that my bloated belly reflects my decision to give up on life and punish myself for hurting my mother .