i think i have gone back to my teenage

[arpy1]

  every time, it happens  ...

does anyone else get this?:

the last few months, every time i interact in conversation with anyone, even in a shop, even, like just now, with my neighbour (as we were chasing our bins down the road in the strong wind) just passing the time of day... every single time i come away and get swamped with feeling just such a total *... i feel like every thing i said was sooooo STUPID, and that i am such an idiot and then i just hate myself so much.

i remember being self-conscious as a young teenager. i guess i always told myself (still tell myself):  'who's looking at you, anyway, Arpy? you don't spend your life looking at everyone else, so why would other people?'... and it kind of worked all these years.

but now it doesn't work anymore and i hate feeling like such a kid.

[Dutch Uncle]

'who's looking at you, anyway, Arpy? you don't spend your life looking at everyone else, so why would other people?'... and it kind of worked all these years.

but now it doesn't work anymore and i hate feeling like such a kid.

, dear arpy1.

I have this all the time.
From: "Huh, why does he/she looks at me like I'm a *" to "Huh, why does he/she looks at me like I'm so fantastic!" (yep, I have those too  ("While you are beyond a doubt such a *! They are even more stupid than you are.", my Inner Critic (I suppose) rebukes me immediately...))

Perhaps, but this is just a wild guess, why not go along with your Inner Teenager, who says "You don't spend your life looking at everyone else, so why would other people?"

[woodsgnome]

Hey Arpy1 ,

For sure my self-conscious 12 yr old (soon to be 13!) is a constant companion. It's so bad I can't practice certain things with other people watching...e.g. once in a CPR life-saving class I couldn't handle doing the resuscitation demo with the mannequin everyone's required to demonstrate. I did all the correct steps, but it was excruciating to have others watch me. One lady even commented after, "I've never seen anyone so utterly self-conscious." Yep.

Yet I've also been a pretty successful actor--so I guess what that says is that I can deflect the CPTSD "you're no good as yourself" message by acting as someone else.

Even alone, it can happen--I can be so super-cautious/self-conscious it's insane; the self-torture I can put myself through...even when nobody else is present.

So it's bad, but there's another slightly humourous side that's helped me cope. As another person on this site once said--everyone frets about getting older and says they'd like a second childhood. But with CPTSD we come with this built-in arrested development, requiring no strain to feel childish.

So adapting that outlook, that's one way I've coped--just twist what can feel awful into another perspective (an actor probably would see it that way, no?). While it's no answer or cure, sometimes coping is all I've got, so I'll take it. And survive.   

[arpy1]

thanks for the reassurance, it helps to know i am not the only one  and it is quite funny, really, isn't it    even tho when i came indoors earlier i wasn't laughing...

"Huh, why does he/she looks at me like I'm so fantastic!"

- i wish! it would be a sign of improvement... actually, no, i think i do that too, only just not becos of appearance, more if people think i am kind, or clever, or useful in some way... bah.

Even alone, it can happen

aaargh, yes, why is that???

everyone frets about getting older and says they'd like a second childhood. But with CPTSD we come with this built-in arrested development, requiring no strain to feel childish.

- yeah, like, 'second childhood? no way,  i haven't finished with the first one yet...'

i could have made a living as an actor..  the only way i can get myself out the front door most days is to put on my 'role' of 'normal person' and go and give my performance. maybe if i knew how to be myself, i wouldn't worry so much about the audience's opinion. i wrote that 'Miranda' poem about it, where, once i stop playing the role, i disappear. actually, that sucks, doesn't it?  ho hum, on we go.

[woodsgnome]

In one sense or another, everyone is always playing a role of sorts. A lot of time it's those harsh critics and snobs who think they "know" you that are more out of touch. They're fine, they think; in fact, they're often just full of thinly disguised pomp and bluster.

Once in a while, I'd run into someone who, when finding out I've changed my name, raised their eyebrows a bit, and lectured me on how I should be the "real me" (as if a human-imposed name has anything to do with a "real me"). Oh, okay. So I'm schizophrenic, seemed to be the suggestion.

Once I told that tale to a therapist, and she burst out laughing, saying "I've been around quite a few schizophrenics in this practice; and you ain't one of 'em. You're just yourself, no matter what others have suggested." Reminds me of a book by mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn: Wherever You Go, There You Are. Sometimes the self is just in the way, just another concept we think we need to have.

It doesn't stop feeling like  sometimes. Other times it feels too much like I'm just a fadeout  in someone else's play...or that I'm living in a bubble, looking out at all the 'real selves'.

I'm sorry if trying to interject humour seemed trivial. My only point was to relate what helps me cope better. It's not to suggest it would be the same for anyone else.   

[arpy1]

not at all, wsg, humour is what keeps this crazy lady sane (ish). you always help with the stuff you share.  don't go doing what i did this afternoon now!!! 

[Dutch Uncle]

i think i do that too, only just not becos of appearance,

I don't think they do it for my good looks either. It's even more that i think: "why are these people smiling at me? I'm in a pretty foul mood at the moment. I don't feel good at all. * are these smiles about? Are they seeing something inside of me that I don't see/witness? Or are they just smiling at something behind/beyond me?"
I then just try hard to pretend I'm a swell guy.

At times that works actually. If only for five minutes. yay! 

[arpy1]

I then just try hard to pretend I'm a swell guy.

...     but we all thought you were... 

[woodsgnome]

Arpy1, Thanks for responding to my brittleness...part of my "bubble" feeling is that I can never connect, no one understands anyway ('they' never did; result: CPTSD). So when I emerge from the bubble, it feels like walking on glass fragments and, careful as I am, they always cut. I feel misunderstood, and I hide, behind humour if I have to.

Humour is thus one of my touchstones, and insecurities. The touchstone is that it really got me through some rough spots. But the insecurity is that I know I hide behind it, too. As I touched on here and elsewhere, what the heck is 'self' anyway? And why do I worry about it so much?. But I do.

If you recall the old Joni Mitchell song 'Circles', she sings "we're captured on a carousel of time"...which leads back to those earlier years...but who am I to say--I, like you, missed those youthful years the first time, so perhaps the truth is more about making new, better ones up as we go along. As in beggars can't be choosers. First stop--dumping the old hurt child in the trash. Hurts, but the stench is destroying me. But no, he needs rescue, not dumping.   

My inner child desperately needs that rescue; no one else will be there, so here I am, taking an adult responsibility to rescue my 'self'...again; the only 'self' I have left.

[Dutch Uncle]

I then just try hard to pretend I'm a swell guy.

...     but we all thought you were... 

Are you telling me it actually works? 



Honestly, I shouldn't make it look worse than it is.
One of the most beautiful and validating things I have ever heard was from the wife of a long-time and dear friend of mine who said: "That from such a crazy FOO such a nice man could arise. I'm amazed." (I assume she was amazed about the viciousness of my FOO. By the time she said this we had known each other for 10+ years. I better hope it was not at that moment she realized I was actually nice.  )
I should recognize more I am a swell guy.
And so could you. (well, a gal in your case,  )

[tired]

yes but then i think of all the people i've met, grown ups, who are more dorky than i am. people i have rejected because they're even more immature than me!

i think a lot of people are socially super awkward and don't even seem to mind; i mean, they don't respond by retreating with shame into their bedrooms. maybe they actually have jobs and unlike me don't have time to feel stupid?  I don't know. maybe they don't realize how dorky they are, whereas i am always aware when i say really dumb things.  it's like i'm watching myself in slow motion and trying to stop myself from what i'm about to say and my mind is saying "nooooooo" in this slow motion voice . like, "dooooon't sayyyy thaaaaaaat.....".  it's funny and sad.

[arpy1]

my mind is saying "nooooooo" in this slow motion voice . like, "dooooon't sayyyy thaaaaaaat.....".  it's funny and sad.

yep.

I should recognize more I am a swell guy.
And so could you. (well, a gal in your case,  )

yes, D/U...   trouble is the Bitch is properly acting out lately...

Arpy1, Thanks for responding to my brittleness...part of my "bubble" feeling is that I can never connect, no one understands anyway ('they' never did; result: CPTSD). So when I emerge from the bubble, it feels like walking on glass fragments and, careful as I am, they always cut. I feel misunderstood, and I hide, behind humour if I have to.

from all you share,  wsg, i would probably call it fragility. it's ok to be fragile, not that we can do much about it. brittle sounds a bit pejorative to me somehow.  i am sorry you feel like you're walking on glass - and i really relate to the carefulness you speak of, i guess most of us here are the same when it comes to communicating what we feel.  it's a vulnerable thing, but we are driven to do it by the need to be heard.  at least here we are on each others' side.

My inner child desperately needs that rescue; no one else will be there, so here I am, taking an adult responsibility to rescue my 'self'...again; the only 'self' I have left.

funny, i was thinking this same thing last night, the desire to be rescued. the knowledge that no one else but me is going to do it.i always have the feeling of it all being a bit too big a task when in fact i feel more like a little lost girl in a big grown up lady's body. wondering how to acquire the skills i need to do things like build boundaries, protect myself from people, make new relationships...

actually, it's not really surprising is it that we find interacting with people so fraught with insecurity.  thing is how on earth to change it? how do we get the skills? when we didn't learn it in our real teenage....

[tired]

go out and interact, expect awkward moments, and learn from it.  the part that's a skill anyway. then there's the part where no matter what skills i have i sometimes don't use them, and that's where you just ignore it and move on.  expect to make mistakes now and then and assume people will forget about it.