New Person Here

[JAD]

Hi,
My name is Joel and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD this week by my psychologist, who I've been working with for the past several months. I went through a very difficult experience (sexual abuse and torture) when I was 9-13. I only very recently told somebody about what happened to me. I told my boyfriend about everything that I had been slowly remembering a few months ago, and he was very helpful because I felt so safe and secure with him. He told me everything I needed to hear e.g. he'd be there for me all the time and I didn't need to worry about him leaving me (I told him that being abandoned or feeling invisible was my biggest fear) because he loved me, but a month ago we split up because I was getting worse with my depression and flashbacks, and he was stressed out about school and his family (he recently came out to them as being gay). I was ok with taking a break so we could focus on our own stuff for a while, and during that time I figured we would do a lot of introspection and reflect about our relationship, and I came to the realization that my feelings for him were such as strong as ever, but that if we were going to work as a couple going forward we would need to acknowledge when and how one could be there for the other. When we met up a few weeks later to discuss this, he seemed changed and told me he wasn't sure if he had any romantic love for me anymore, and that our entire relationship was unhealthy. I had recently moved to NYC (he's in Washington DC) and I didn't know anybody here; I was completely devastated, and my mental and emotional health has just totally declined. I flashback all the time, have nightmares of what happened - most disturbingly, I often dream that my boyfriend is the one hurting me - and I've had to drop out of school. I live by myself and am struggling with handling everything. I feel wounded by my own understanding of love, but it is still so important to me, and crucial to how I live and empathize with others. For the past few years I've been working on the issue of sexual violence in conflict, working to advocate on behalf of refugees and young victims. Work, for whatever reason, was never a trigger to me before, but now I can't work without feeling like my experience is completely interchangeable with the reports I'm reading. My parents had a terrible reaction to me telling them about my abuse (I didn't tell them how extensive it was or how long it went on for) and it's been a huge source of stress for me. On top of that, I was recently diagnosed with heavy metal arsenicosis, or arsenic poisoning, which leaves me with a high risk of developing liver cancer. I'm absolutely terrified of the hospital, and haven't been going to regular treatments, so I'm worried about what will happen as a result. It was just by chance that I happened across this page so I'm hoping that maybe there's someone out there who can help me or understand what I'm going through. None of my friends understand any of this, and my best friend (ex boyfriend) has iced me out (I suspect this is because he didn't know how affecting or overwhelming my trauma would be for him, but it still hurts that he's chosen to act like I don't exist instead of setting boundaries - telling me he can't be there for me by listening to what happened, but he'll be there to hold my hand as I go to therapy).

[Trees]

Welcome, JAD.  I am glad you found this site.  I am sorry to hear your boyfriend was overwhelmed by your cptsd.  I had to deal with a similar situation in the past, and it was very very hard for a long time.  So you certainly have my sympathies and empathies..       

It's as also very sad that your own cptsd is giving you excessive empathy for the refugees and victims that your are helping.  How brave of you to do such work!  For me, excessive empathy has made me unable to watch shows about animals because they just seem so vulnerable to me, either captive or in the wild.  And I have become mostly a vegetarian because just looking at meat makes me think of suffering animals.

Do you know how you got arsenic poisoning?  Do you have symptoms?  There are some nutrient supplements that do help detox some things  like that.  And I have a heard that kombucha can help also.  I really do get your fear of the hospital!   Mainstream medicine is not informed at all about how to deal with cptsd. 

I hope you will stay in touch here with us.  You deserve peace and safety and love.  You are doing a great job dealing with a really difficult situation that is not of your making.  Lots of hugs to you.              

[arpy1]

welcome JAD, glad to meet you. you've been through such a lot and it's no wonder you're finding it tough. just sending you support and hope you will find the help you need.  look around the site, seriously, there is a section on resources that you might find helpful to get info about cptsd.  and keep posting. we try to be here for each other. it helps a lot.

peace and strength to you