Just found this site

[betterlane]

I have so much to say that I don't know where to start.  I found this site by way of an internet search for long-term PTSD - I had never heard of CPTSD, I just knew that I didn't fit the classic definition of PTSD.  What I've read today has had me sobbing.

I'm 51 with 2 daughters (20 & 17). I grew up, the oldest of three, with an emotionally unstable mother.  We all know now that she is Borderline.  I haven't had anything to do with her in years.  The last few weeks I have had an unsettled, slightly down feeling.  I've been thinking a lot about my father and have had surprising feelings of rage.  That is what led me to the search and this site.

As I child I was the target of the verbal abuse.  My brother and sister (4 & 7 years younger) were spared.  My parents married when I was 2 1/2 - it was not a union based in love, but obligation.  I don't remember the first few years living with my M and her (also Borderline) M, but I wonder about what it must have been like.

Although I now have a seemingly healthy relationship with D, the angst I've felt the last few weeks is making me realize what's just beneath the surface.  He is a spineless guppy.  That was my nickname for him when I was a teenager and my M would go off the deep end and he would try pacify her.  He is now spineless guppy with his 2nd wife.  His children and grandchildren don't exist unless it's ok with her. 

I've spent the last few days remembering some of the horrible formative memories.  I am in a state of life paralysis that I need to fix.  Maybe some of these memories hold the key.

Some of the classics from my kidhood:
*"If abortion were legal in 1964, none of the crap would have happened to me"
*on my 16th bday, in the middle of one of their epic tantrums, her way of telling me about the illegitimacy of my birth was "he didn't want you then, and I don't want you now"
*Cancelled my wedding because I disagreed with her on how to do the guest list
*the last time I spoke with her, @10years ago, I went to ask her to be nicer to me because my children were starting to notice.  She promptly screamed at me, told me never to come back, she was calling the police and that I was the nastiest person ever and all her friends always remarked on it.

The list is endless.  But what is making me sob today isn't her.  It's him. 

I always knew that she was abusive, I just never realized that he was neglectful.  And that CPTSD is real and definable and that I am a poster child for it.

I read through various post today before posting this.  It is somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone in how I feel and that others have endured and thrived.  I've never felt like I was part of any community, but I am part of this community.  Thank you to all of you for your honest posts.  I'm sure that they have been read by and helped many more people than responded to them.

[wednesday]

 :wave:welcome Betterlane glad you are here!

[arpy1]

wanted to add my welcome to you, betterlane   - sorry it's a bit delayed, i don't know how i missed your post 

please feel free to say as much as you want/need, whenever you want/need. like you i found it was both a shock and a relief to suddenly realise that i fit the bill so precisely for cptsd.  this site is my lifeline. i hope you will find support here too.