introdution

[selfcompassion]

 I have Cptsd. I'm in therapy, not my first time. I've done EMDR, neurofeedback therapy, talk therapy, some somatic therapy (probably not enough), and lots of talk therapy.
  My mother was a borderline, and beat me in the womb when she was pregnant with me. She didn't want me. She tried throwing herself down the stairs to end the pregnancy. She cried when she saw I wasn't a son. She tried switching me for a boy at the Army hospital I was born at. She dressed me in blue, and I had short hair until age 5.
  I married a classic narcissist first, then my more recent divorce from a covert narcissist. My more recent ex, was a ex cop, and was heavily into subtle gaslighting. There was a lot of gaslighting, and with holding of affection, communication, etc.....basically more abandonment.
  I now feel the only way I know to be safe, is to never get involved  in another relasionship. I'm like heroine to these class b types. I've been perfectly conditioned over and over to be a narcissist wet dream. I have anxiety about EVERYTHING now. I isolate...a lot. I have read Peter walkers book twice now. It is like a bible. I'm getting real proficient about flashback recognition, and think at times, I spent weeks at a time in them. I'm 53 now, and know I can't go through another abusive relationship. It will kill me. I grieve a lot....so much to greive. I have no resilience anymore. Any normal life stressor triggers me. I try self compassion but have a lot of shame, everytime I recognize I'm triggered.
  I am having a supremely hard time, feeling a sense of a manageable future for myself...a positive one. I know this timeless hopelessness itself is a flashback, but I can't seem to shake it. Moments of contentment are so rare, they feel surreal. I'm so tired...so very tired.

[tired]

I'm tired too. I f eel like I've lived a long time.
I don't want to be in a relationship and I don't think I could handle it but I don't see that as a terrible thing.  I don't even feel like it was a failure that I've been divorced twice and had many awful encounters.  I just think of it as part of a process. 

Those moments of contentment--I remember ten years ago thinking all I want is a single moment of contentment.  One brief flash of peace. I think it was two years later that I had it.

I guess I'm saying things sometimes feel like they aren't going well but it might be that it's going the way it should.  I mean it's at least going. We aren't stagnating and we aren't dead. 

My mom says when she gave birth to me she felt no pain and didn't even realize it at first. She laughed at her sisters jokes the whole time then when I was born my aunt whisked me away.  She says mothers should be worshipped for going through the pain of childbirth but in my case it doesn't apply. 

[Trees]

Hi there, selfcompassion, and welcome to the site. 

Your chosen name is such a perfect reminder, a lovely pair of words that to me has an almost golden glow like a dimly visible goal looming on the horizon.  Self-compassion , learning to give our desolate child-selves the love we have needed so desperately, some of us for many decades.

What a tragedy your childhood was!  Mine, too.  You deserved love an d tenderness and safety, and you still do.  Here on this site we remind each other that we do deserve the love we never received.  We are learning to give ourselves the caring we never received in our FOOs.

I hope you will stay in touch.  All the best to you on your journey, and many hugs.