New Here

[Vik]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to be, but I'm not coping well at the moment and I can't say these words out-loud to anyone.

After a 2 year, highly abusive relationship when I was 18, I escaped and never told anyone about it. 10 years later, I opened up to my partner, the first person I've ever told, and it's opened up a world of anxiety for me. Initially, it was nightmares and fear but I told my partner about that and whilst he couldn't help, he was supportive and there for me.

Now, it's getting worse. I feel anxious every day; I don't understand how my partner will ever stay with me given what happened to me, I'm so ashamed. I'm scared of walking down the street alone in the dark, I hate being on my own at any time. I've started scratching my arm until I break the skin, whenever I do it I feel so ashamed but as soon as it starts to heal I want to do it again until it's bleeding again. I'm scared of being watched doing anything, or doing nothing and I hate being in a room with the door open. Even though my partner is supportive, I'm so lonely all the time and I just want to curl up and cry. I have nightmares every night and it's always memories of things that have happened. I want to be able to sleep without them again.

Any advice that could help me would be so much appreciated. I don't really know where to go with this and I'm struggling to see how things can be OK again.

Thanks

[no_more_fear]

Hi Vik,

I'm so sorry that you're going through so much at the minute and all of this has come up for you. While I don't have experience of self-harm I'd say that you're trying to re-regulate your emotions. You'll eventually find a healthier way of doing that, but don't feel ashamed of doing that for now, you don't know a better way yet. Do you know about EF's? You're maybe in one and trying to manage your emotional state.

I wanted to let you know that you're not alone with any of this. I too am afraid to walk outside for constantly thinking I'll be attacked. That thing you said about  feeling so uncomfortable when people look at you, I have that too. I'm in the process of fighting those feelings. With me they relate to perfectionism and how I won't possibly be able to live up to what people expect from me.

I want you to know that you can and you will get better. I think one of the reasons we get so down and full of despair is because we think we'll always be like this, but we won't. Just by coming here and reaching out for help means you want to get better and that's half the battle. If you want it, you will get better and we'll be here every step of the way.

Well done for posting and making this great first step.

[Vik]

Hi,

Thank you so much for your response and your positivity. I don't know what an EF is but I think that there's definitely an element there of trying to control my emotions through my actions.

I feel the same regarding living up to what people expect from me. I try and remind myself that I'm projecting my own expectations onto them, and it's me that is disappointed in who I am, not them, but it's hard to remember this. I feel like I'm not good enough. For myself, or others.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling similar things but thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences with me. You mention that you're fighting the feelings of discomfort with people looking at you. Do you mind me asking how you're trying to do that because I think that's one of my biggest causes of anxiety at the moment.

Thank you so much for replying

[arpy1]

hi Vik, just wanted to send you a  and lots of good thoughts. sounds like it's very hard for you at the moment.  do take a stroll around the resources on this site, they can be incredibly helpful.  e.g. Pete Walker's website, pete-walker.com, for explanations about cptsd and explaining what an EF (emotional flashback) is like etc.  it was reading him on EF's that first gave me the heads up on what is going on with me! 

anyway, welcome to you. take care. keep posting, whenever feels comfortable to you. we're here 

[Vik]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will definitely take a look at Pete Walker's website; hopefully that will help shed some light on what it is that I'm feeling.

I'm so grateful to have found this site where I can write how I'm feeling and feel that nobody is judging me for it. I've not felt like I've had the opportunity to do this for a really long time, if ever.

I'm trying to break how I'm feeling down into more manageable parts; for example recently I've been working on having the door open to the room that I'm in. I have been trying to keep it open whilst I'm watching a film, for example, knowing that when it's over I can go and shut it again to feel secure. I'm not sure how much it is actually working though, I tend to just spend the whole time focusing on the door being open and so forget what I'm watching.

I've got my first appointment with my GP later this month to try and get the ball rolling on talking to somebody professional about this but I'm anxious about that too. What if it just makes it worse? What if I can't communicate it to them properly? What if they judge me for being weak? What if I say something wrong?

Is there a right or wrong way to introduce something like this to your GP? I worry that I'm not going to be taken seriously.

Thank you so much again for your kind words.