Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?

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BigBoots

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Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« on: November 27, 2015, 02:02:27 AM »
I recently had a meeting with a charity adviser who made contact with me via by the local poiice force and who I hoped by meeting up could offer me some positive help but instead he spent the entire time telling me how if he was faced with the same thing would have just run.  Left the area, his home and tried to start again, but how by my NOT running, and NOT giving in to the abusers it was basically my own fault that now I have C-PTSD. 

My partner was very angry to hear how any adviser could apportion blame to even suggest it is the abusers privilege to continue without hinderance and it is the victim who should just give in and never try to fight back.

Nevertheless after the meeting, and even with the support of my partner this left me feeling completely confused and isolated and not wanting to see or speak to anyone for the past two weeks, far less beging to trust in anyone again

Has anyone else had to experience this type of negative advice?   :'(



« Last Edit: November 27, 2015, 12:08:12 PM by BigBoots »

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2015, 07:36:09 AM »
What a hurtful comment this person has given you. What (s)he did is called "blaming the victim", and qualifies as abuse itself.
It has been a lousy 'advise', and certainly not charitable, if I me be so blunt.
My advise would be to stay clear from this person.
And that is not running away. You can do without yet another person who is picking a fight with you, this time the 'advisor'.

This non-charitable know-it-all hasn't got a clue. People do not get cPTSD from standing up to their abusers, they get it from being constantly abused and being knocked down, typically in a situation/environment/relationship where there is a great disbalance of power.

You have done nothing wrong with standing up to your abusers. Your fighting back hasn't caused cPTSD, your abusers have caused it.

I hope you'll find better advisors/therapists or aid-workers. And I'm happy to hear your partner is supportive, and does know what has been going on and that you're not to blame for what has happened.

 :hug:
« Last Edit: November 27, 2015, 08:26:51 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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BigBoots

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2015, 12:05:00 PM »
Thank you for your reply back dutch uncle. 

I am still coming to terms with the severe abuse which lasted twelve years and which caused me to lose part of my eyesight. 

What also hurts and really hinders the healing process is knowing that as the UK law stands now with the removal of our basic legal and human rights, unless one can afford to hire private legal assistance the abusers will always remain protected. 

I am not talkng about obtaining compensation either.  You cannot compensate for twelve years of repeated mental and physical abuse, but you can make certain that they perpetrators are never put back into a position to be able do this to anyone else ever again.  In my experience the UK charities we have just pass out identical internet based printed information.  And even though they are supposedly meant to tangibly help people like us and also receive government funding in order to do they rarely if ever become involved on a one to one basis so what is the point of their existence apart from providing themselves with a salary at the end of the month?

From my understanding, in order to fully recover from this illness and to move forward is being able to feel in control of your own life again and in order to do that a person cannot just be left to continue to feel helpless or ignored.

Im sure im not the only one who feels this way.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2015, 12:17:57 PM by BigBoots »

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arpy1

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2015, 01:33:26 PM »
you most certainly are not alone in feeling this way, BigBoots! 

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BigBoots

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2015, 05:31:25 PM »
Hi there arpy, really nice to hear from you again.  :wave:

No, I guess we are all in the same situation but it doesnt make it right does it in this day and age.

The fact is, apart from internet based groups like this who offer support and friendship, aside from the cyberworld there is absolutely nothing outside of it of tagible help, and yet there are so many organisations and charities purporting to be set up for that purpose.  My opinion is, if they do nothing then they should just go, particularly as many remain unmonitored and unregulated.

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Cocobird

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2015, 01:36:21 AM »
Since my asthma was getting worse, my doctor suggested that I get a second opinion. So I went to a new doctor, who seemed okay. He asked me what my health issues were besides asthma, and I told him PTSD. He seemed to understand what that meant.

He decided my asthma was out of control, and gave me different meds.

When the appointment was almost over, he told me that I needed to lose weight. He gave me a diet and exercise plan. Weight is one of my worst triggers. I explained that now was not a good time because of my PTSD. He told me not to be so negative, and walked out.

I tend to have delayed reactions. I was shocked and angry, and decided he wasn't the right doctor for me. So I wrote him a long email, letting him know that he might need to learn more about mental illness before cutting someone off like that. I never got an answer, but it felt good to say something.

His office gave me a hassle about sending prescriptions in, and after three phone calls, they still hadn't done it.

I have a different asthma doctor now, who understands what I'm talking about. It's a big improvement.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2015, 07:55:36 AM »
So I wrote him a long email, letting him know that he might need to learn more about mental illness before cutting someone off like that. I never got an answer, but it felt good to say something.
:thumbup:

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He told me not to be so negative, and walked out.
What a doofus.  :pissed:
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His office gave me a hassle about sending prescriptions in, and after three phone calls, they still hadn't done it.
More handpicked doofuses, no doubt.

Quote
I have a different asthma doctor now, who understands what I'm talking about. It's a big improvement.
Congrats. Well done.
 :hug:

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Jewel

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2016, 06:41:21 PM »
I'm late in joining this conversation but I can totally relate to being blamed for having CPTSD.  Here's what I've experienced: No one I know, even those who love me, can fully understand how CPTSD affects me.  I'm extremely self-aware and I'm very expressive with loved ones, but I'm beginning to think that CPTSD is simply beyond the understanding of folks who haven't experienced it, except perhaps for clinicians who've studied it extensively and have worked with CPTSD clients.  It's why I love this forum--folks "get it."

At this point in my life, I simply don't share that I have CPTSD with folks who don't have it or who don't have backgrounds in trauma-based therapy.  It's just an exercise in frustration for me, and it's exceedingly invalidating.  People who haven't been abused and who haven't had their brain development altered by abuse that began very young simply don't get it.  I'm happy for them but at the same time have NO desire to encounter much less try to "enlighten" their ignorance--it's too exhausting.  I've spent too many years just trying to stay in life to spend any bit of energy helping others to understand.

Appreciate your asking the question, BigBoots!  And I'm applauding you in moving forward in all the ways that honor your dear life.

Peace.

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meancat

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2016, 09:31:11 PM »
Jewel, you just spoke the words that are in my mind and on the tip of my tongue every day. C-PTSD is a very frustrating affliction of which there are no words to express how every single aspect of my life on every single day, every single thought that I have is altered by this disorder. Thank you for your words.

Peace.

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eckasha13

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2016, 07:38:10 PM »
Hi everyone. This is my introductory message and response to this forum. Bigboots, when you were talking about living in the UK, it brought to mind the Pink Floyd song 'Time' and the lyrics, 'hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way'. I always thought when I heard that part of the song, "Well, I'm from SD, the middle of nowhere in the US and we do the same thing" I was diagnosed with PTSD, when I was 19 and I had thought that I had remedied the majority of the intrusive thoughts, nightmares, overreacting, and flashbacks by the time I was 24. And I can imagine how I thought that because I wasn't 45, yet. I got it that the core reason the that people in my childhood who abused me, abused me was because they were so powerless in their own lives. It wasn't an excuse. It didn't make it okay. It was just very clear that life was already dealing them their own justice and quite frankly, I feel saddened at the level of depravity in which they have always lived. I'm just not going to be the one to the rescue.  I had also developed a drinking problem from the age of 19 to 21 and decided to partake in a recovery program. I threw myself into it, identified myself as incurable and dutifully went by the book to the letter. Any mention of pain, or trauma, or sadness in those rooms was the result of not properly working the program. Meanwhile it did give me a sense of power, knowing I could hurt other people, which was huge, because I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions (know any 21 year olds who do that perfectly?) and I realized that my relationships would change for the better with other people if I did. However, complete abnegation of my softer, more vulnerable nature was another outcome and I became 'responsible' for everything which resulted in a marriage where the individual was 'disabled' (liked drugs), had two children of whom neither parent worked, just me (a lot) and lived 11 years with someone who wanted more highs sexually, lots of gaslighting and hovering, and I could never finish my college education because someone had to be responsible for the kids and the bills. Divorced him once I realized that we were both going to be homeless if I didn't, and like UK, the laws in the US, at least in NM at the time were such that because of his 'disabled' status, if he was abusive, I had to move and there were no consequences, and if I wasn't living with him, the state would take care of him, but if I lived with him and we became homeless, I would be in trouble for neglect. Meanwhile he was a skilled artisan and craftsman capable of making a living, but preferred to smoke pot all day, take too many of his meds and putz around the house. So, then straight on to the next husband who goes into rages, dominates conversation, and is a severe person who talks to me like I'm a child (technically noone should talk to a child the way he does) and I have been with him for nine years. I have gone into this spiral of not even being able to decide if I should wash the dishes first, work on my computer, or clean the cat box because I have just lost the ability to generate a sense of order from my own being due to the relentless criticism and rages. I'm an intelligent and gifted person. I am close to very accomplished people, who I am very comfortable with and trust and I just haven't been able to stop chasing my tail because I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, I have a friend, who is a distinguished professor of psychology for over 35 years who wants to know why I'm not doing certain things.  I express to her that I'm afraid my husband will interfere with anything that I'm doing and will say something derogatory. She said, "Of course you do, that's from PTSD. So what? Take small steps and sit with it" And I said "F---, that's right. I forgot"  I live in my head so much, that 20 years of my life disappeared. In so many ways, I have been strong and savvy when I'm in a regular social environment and when people have verbal diarrhea about things they know nothing about, if they are tempting to engage me, I will express to them in one way or the other that their opinion has nothing to do with someone else's experience. I can freely call my close friends idiots in lively conversation. I'm comfortable with my friends, in general, that they will love and accept me no matter what. I have great friends and for sure the work that I have done on myself over the years has paid off in spades in that area of my life. But the husband thing sent me into a tail spin and now I've crashed.  :fallingbricks: Authority figures in general make me nervous. I'm terrified to make a mistake at work or at home and I'm always afraid something really bad is going to happen to me in those environments. When authority figures attack me, I just shut down and lose the ability to think or respond. I have enough wherewithal to look at my husband and state to him that the person he is talking about is not the person who is standing in front of him and know it and mean it, but I have been spending time hiding from him in the television, alcohol, hiding in my bedroom, anything that doesn't force me to engage him for any length of time because I can't bear to hear another negative word coming out of his mouth. And I know the path forward is keeping myself involved in productive things for my life to minimize my exposure to him, but I just didn't recognize my symptoms until 4 days ago. So the best I have for responding to negativity with my most challenging relationships has been that I know my center, even though I have been spinning around it. As far as others, I'm selective in who I share information with because I know from experience that some people are just not equipped to handle it and I really don't discuss it in general, unless it is relevant to a present conversation. I have had very good luck with my healthcare practitioners over the years as well and I can trust myself in being discerning about who I want treatment from. On the other hand, with my husband, my response to his negativity is like I'm being electrocuted. Maybe not useful, but truthful. This was a back door way to intruduce myself, but the topic spoke to me, so this is where I made camp. Thank you for being here.

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Three Roses

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2016, 08:12:53 PM »
First of all, welcome! Back way in or not, it was a great intro.  :wave:

You may want to research complex ptsd, or cptsd. Also, try DTD (developmental trauma disorder). Books I've been reading that have been illuminating: "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van Der Kolk; "Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" by Pete Walker (who also has a website chock full of info, pete-walker.com).

Sorry you've really been thru the ringer. I can totally relate to how constant criticism just shuts us down, where all you want to do is sit in a quiet corner and read or just zone out completely.

"But the husband thing sent me into a tail spin and now I've crashed.  :fallingbricks:" Hopefully some of the info on this forum can get you "un-crashed". :D

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eckasha13

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2016, 09:27:29 PM »
Thank you, Three Roses. I will.

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Ren

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #12 on: August 07, 2016, 08:10:50 AM »
Hi Ekacha - hurtful comments ?  Oh yeah!  They just remind me of my N mother again, and then I wake up.   How dare they!
Best wishes..


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Wife#2

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Re: Blame. How do you respond to hurful comments or negativity?
« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2016, 08:15:26 PM »
BigBoots - I'm reaching a stage in my recovery where I get angry on behalf of others who have been wronged - and this one just lit my fire!

Is there any person to whom you can report such brazenly inappropriate behavior? Would it do any good even if you could report it?

How frustrating to have the very person who was designated to hear your case and help you move forward be the agent of such ugliness and rejection!

I find it interesting (would say funny, but not ha-ha funny) that people who've never been in your situation find it SO easy to judge your handling of things and swear THEY would NEVER react that way. Easy to say when it's impossible to prove!

It burns my bacon when people are so dismissive. Even as a teenager, when helping a battered woman and her three children escape her home of horrors, I recognized that I could just as easily end up in her situation. I was no smarter, in fact, she was a pretty da** smart woman! One of the ladies on our rescue team had known the lady for a while and told us some of the back story. * happened in increments. Like the frog in the boiling water, by the time she realized that he was dangerous, she was in so deep, she needed help getting out. Sometimes, we all need help out of bad situations!

It just stinks so horribly that you had to suffer the <expletive I'm not supposed to use in forums> person. But, if there is no other silver lining to be found - at least you are in no doubt that this person is dangerously unaware and criminally unhelpful. I hope that you are able to find someone, anyone else who can act as an actual advocate on your behalf!   :hug: