Found my tribe

[obscured]

Hello every one.

I recently recieved an official diagnosis of cPTSD from my therapist of five years.

A good description of my life would be: chaotic. I have spent most of it in a state of disociated fantasy. I spent a decade struggling with drug addiction. I have been clean for over three years now. I am starting to really get in touch with my trauma having spent some time away from the drugs, which my therapist explained I used as a blanket to cover over the trauma when the trauma was taking over my 'normal' persona too much. I have had tiny tastes of 'normal' but it is a novelty. I had seven months recently where I did very well and was able to be mostly free of emotional flashbacks. Sadly I am now back in the familiar cycle of despair, confusion and hopelessness with days of normality, hope and joy in between. It's a very confusing and frustrating place to be back in!!

My trauma is relational due to my childhood experience of my family. My mother is a narcissistic personality disorder. My father was terminally ill and was emotionally unavailable. I was the scapegoat/ lost child. My sister is the golden child. My mother has successfully triangulated the whole family, including the extended family. My father passed away eight years ago. I am sort of close to my 93 year old Grandmother but apart from that I am pretty much isolated. I have a couple of friends who know me well but I tend to stay distant from them a lot of the time. I am not much good at making friends or meeting girls. I am useless at relationships because my emotional flashbacks get triggered the most when I let people get close to me.

It is a relief to know what is 'wrong' with me but it also hurts to understand how damaged I am. In some ways it was easier not knowing and being in denial but I have kept searching for the answers and my therapist got to see me in a real state for the first time (usually I put on a brave and positive persona for therapy) and she finally gave me the diagnosis (she hates labelling people). I am feeling positive about discovering this forum. I had a brief look around and based on what I saw I could relate fully so I know you guys are my tribe. At least I am not alone.

[arpy1]

hi obscured, and welcome.    can really relate to the shock and relief of discovering finally what it is that makes you this way, the relief for finally understanding and the pain of finally understanding...

hope you find what you need amongst the other members of this tribe of fellow travellers 

[woodsgnome]

Greetings, obscured...Your life's description as "chaotic" is sure to ring a bell of recognition from most of us. I'll echo the observation that it's a relief to figure out some of the underlying vibes. Then the task is accepting that this is our new 'normal'. Best part of this new road is it's not an endgame, that we have options to where and how we go forward with it. Albeit many are troubling options; still there's ways through, as you're learning and have shared here.

My path towards recovery also involved lots of dissociative fantasy, as you pointed out was true for you. I was fortunate to have missed the drug route, but in a sense it was replaced with a lot of false persona. One of my life's callings was that of actor, so I'll let that explain itself.

You wrote that..."It is a relief to know what is 'wrong' with me but it also hurts to understand how damaged I am. In some ways it was easier not knowing and being in denial." I relate to that and also much of your story right up to the 'brave persona' with your therapist. Yep, same here, although I went through a number of therapists (don't have one now); finally the dam burst, though...the hurt but strange relief at that point set me on course again to finding a life free of denial.

Like you, it's a huge hurdle to find friends; my best friend died a couple of years ago and that's left a huge hole. And what you said echoes loudly for me..."I am useless at relationships because my emotional flashbacks get triggered the most when I let people get close to me." Yep.

So I offer my best wishes to you, and hope you can find some things on this site you can fit into your own journey of recovery.

[raindrop]

Hi obscured..

I'm glad you found a place where you relate too, I fell the same.

I'm also new here, i read what you wrote and even know our 'stories' are different I felt every word you wrote..
it sounds like you have been through a lot in your life but i can also hear how strong you are and how much hope you have.

so....welcome aboard and if its OK.. i want to send you a big hug!

Have a lovely week,
raindrop.

[obscured]

Thank you for your replies. I feel welcome! I am amazed to have people saying they can relate to my story. This is a first!!