situation-need help

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tired

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situation-need help
« on: November 04, 2015, 02:35:58 PM »
i have a friend/workout buddy (that's an overstatement because i only see her once a week and i don't like working out with her and i don't have friends really) but anyway--- i babysit for her every other week for an afternoon. she pays me.  i have to pick up her daughter from school, take her to her house, and watch her for two hours while she helps the other daughter with girl scouts. she could take the younger one with her but it's inconvenient and the little one gets tired and doesn't do well.

well this morning my car had a bad smell and i can get it looked at tomorrow but it seems like it's a burning rubber smell from the back tire.  i texted her and explained and said i don't feel comfortable transporting a child, let along driving it myself.

i should have just said i can't do it my car isn't running. but anyway it wouldn't have mattered because she keeps offering alternatives. like, you can take my car.  or, i can get you and bring you back. or you can drive your car to my house, walk to the school, etc.  i said i'm just frazzled because i also have to take my daughter somewhere immediately after babysitting and i don't know how to manage everything and she said she could take her. 

i should mention that leaving the house, driving safely, going into someone else's house--these are all very challenging things for me.  going into the child's school.  the whole thing.  it's hard and i don't know if anyone understands unless they are also this way. the whole idea of going through all those hoops seems reasonable to her because she does complicated things. 

she said think about it, i'm going on a run, let  me know. so now i have to figure out how to explain that i can't do it.  i don't even know how to explain it to myself.  maybe someone out there can tell me, why is this so hard and should i just deal with it and do it?

on one hand, things sometimes seem hard but aren't. on the other hand i've been in these situations before and i've gone ahead and done things but because i'm stressed i don't manage it well.  i don't feel like i'm able to stay safe, make good decisions. 

this person is not understanding about this kind of thing at all.  she's not mean but just basically has  no sense that it's hard.  she says things like just do it for example when she says you should run and i say i can't.  what i mean by can't is literally i can't.  not everyone can just run on a treadmill just because someone tells them to do it.

someone help me i feel horrible.

edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum and the topic being of a specific personal nature. Feel free to start your own thread on a related topic or join a thread of a similar nature.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2016, 04:50:12 PM by Dutch Uncle »

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: situation-need help
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2015, 02:53:12 PM »
Yep, complicated. I understand, you made it perfectly clear to me.

Quote
she said think about it, i'm going on a run, let  me know.
I think this is key.
Tell her you thought about it, and that, "sorry!", this week you can't babysit. "thanks for all the consideration, but I can't make it work for me this week." (no need to stress the "for me" to her, I bolded it for you  ;) )

There's really not much more to 'explain' to her, you already have. She did her best to come up with a solution that would fit her, and that possibly might also have worked for you. She tried, good for you both, but it doesn't work for you.
Probably "no sweat" (though she might sound disappointed. Oh well, we all have our disappointments in life…  ;D ) and in two weeks time it's "back to business" as if nothing ever happened.

 :hug:

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tired

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Re: situation-need help
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2015, 03:14:37 PM »
My daughter suggested I say "I have so much to do and I'm really stressed" which is basically the truth. But I hate saying that. It makes me sound mental.  Sometimes people have lectured me and said "well you're going to have to deal with it" or "you're always stressed".  I've been mocked and criticized and attacked.  Maybe it isn't even necessary to say anything about stress though, if I just say those solutions won't work for me.  I guess if she asks why not I might answer but she's the kind of person who would use that to find other solutions. So explaining why, to some people, makes it that much worse.

I had dinner with an old friend that I'd been ignoring. This was last week. I actually went to a restaurant.  I explained my life to her and said a lot of people are mad at me and she said I wasn't mad I know you're struggling and you're doing really well. She's a psychic and medium and she just talks in an empathetic way with people.

 It made me think, the way this other friend is reacting right now, isn't how everyone is. Not everyone would react the way she does. Why do I hang out with people like her? I think she likes me because she feels better than me and that makes her feel good. 

I wonder if I even should be babysitting.  I made a commitment but maybe I made a mistake.  I should just stick to what I can do.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: situation-need help
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2015, 03:32:13 PM »
If the babysitting until now has been fine, you didn't make a mistake.
It has been my impression from reading your Opening Post you use the whole arrangement to keep you going around town and socialized. Which sounds as a modest commitment you have made to yourself. Correct me if I'm wrong though.

If you really want to avoid any further 'negotiations', would it be rude to text her with your 'verdict'/'resolution'?
(I'm struggling with the right English term here  ??? )
Do you two text/WhatsApp or whatever? Or is it always a phone call?
If texting is a 'regular', just say "No" ('sorry I can't' etc. Polite but not groveling, you are not doing anything wrong) and then IF she texts back, leave it at that. If you have send a clear message of "No, I can't do", she'll probably leave it anyway, and if not: Her problem.

In any case: Even if you were only stressed out (so without the car-problem) it would still be fine to cancel for only that reason. It's her kid, you are helping out. She managed fine before you baby-sat, she'll manage this time as well.
If you would have broken a leg or caught Ebola, she'd find a solution for this week as well.  ;D

Stay true to yourself.  :hug:

edit: stupid auto-correction changed untill into uphill, LOL. Quite a different message… OOPS.
Yeah yeah, it was my misspelling of untilllll that triggered it. Bless the blameless auto-correction.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2015, 03:41:25 PM by Dutch Uncle »

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tired

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Re: situation-need help
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2015, 04:31:55 PM »
I agreed because she asked me and I was trying to be nice. and it seems relatively easy.  she keeps doing things for me like buying me stuff because she has money, and i feel like i should reciprocate. and she pays me a lot.  something about the way she treats me makes me feel uncomfortable but anyway.

we just text, so maybe i should just text her now without waiting for her to get back from her run or whatever.   i feel like i have a broken leg and ebola, but i won't tell her that. 


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Dutch Uncle

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Re: situation-need help
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2015, 04:37:58 PM »
we just text, so maybe i should just text her now without waiting for her to get back from her run or whatever.   i feel like i have a broken leg and ebola, but i won't tell her that.
;D
Yeah, text her. Now, you know what you want this week.
She sounds like a women who will not hold a grudge.  :thumbup: She probably likes to know sooner rather than later, is my bet. She might even arrange something while running. Or am I completely misjudging her character? Never mind either way.

 :hug: