Hello

[rlg6859]

Hi, my name is Robyn.  I came upon the discovery of CPSTD while I was looking for self-help books for traumatic childhood survivors.  For the last decade I've been diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety.  I recently was speculating if I have borderline personality disorder, but some of that didn't fit.  I've felt for a long time that there was more to my mental disorder than depression.  My withdrawal into fantasies and emotional flashbacks were something I knew was off but nobody and no material mentioned these symptoms.  I did think I had PTSD but those symptoms did not fit either.  In the last few weeks I've been talking with a counselor via betterhelp.com, and she helped me validate that yes, I did have a traumatic childhood.  I've tried many therapists and they all pushed aside the past even when I said I needed to talk about my childhood because I felt it plays a huge factor in how I think and live today. I'm so grateful that I finally found a therapist who engages me in the therapy that I want and need.  Yet, what now?  I finally recognize the trauma and it is a relief to know that there is a diagnose out there that describes what I endure.  When I was 8 my grandfather was senselessly and brutally murdered followed by two other deaths in my family.  My father was broken over the murder of his father and abandoned us when I was 10.  My mom remarried 2 years later to a man who verbally and physically abused me and she chose him over me when I ran away to my aunt and uncles when I was 16.  My older brother and sister both moved away during this time.  I had lost everything I knew and loved.  I knew I wasn't wanted at my aunt's but I had nowhere to go.  The helplessness I felt at the hands of others is something I can't shake.  It's like a track in my head, "I'm sorry.  I didn't know what to do.  I was a kid."  So, pretty much, I lived the last ten years of my childhood in grief, abandonment and shame.  Once I was 18, I got into drugs and completely was in denial about how damaged I was.  I knew I was hurting and embraced it without doing anything about it except partying and then finding myself crying wasted on the bathroom floor kicking the door.  I eventually got out of doing hard drugs and now I barely drink and never smoke marijuana, something I thought I would always do.  I've been clean from hard drugs for years now and haven't smoked in months.  I like being sober.  My romantic relationships have pretty much nonexistent or abusive.  I have a tendency to get involved with men who are only out to use me while I'm being earnest.  The only guys who would have treated me right I pushed away out of fear and shame of my past.  A few months ago I broke away from an extremely unhealthy relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic who used me so much for three years that I feel almost beyond empty with what he took from me emotionally, sexually, financially...pretty much in every way.  He was sexually abusive.  He raped me several times.  I don't know why I stayed...maybe out of hope, maybe out of denial.  I didn't want to believe someone I trusted would hurt me like that.  Why did I stay?  Because I think I have CPSTD and let people and circumstances into my life that confirm my warped self-worth.  Now I am ten years out of my traumatic childhood, and I know cannot live in this cycle of picking things in my life that will continue to hurt and devalue myself.  I have a 5 year old son and raise him all by myself.  He needs a better mother and I cannot let this illness to keep on stealing from me and him.  He cannot have  a stolen childhood like I did.  I think my family and some others have suspicions that I am unwell despite that I try to put on a front that I am ok.  And I am ok, I'm just not ok with the past yet.  I just don't know how to tell anyone that I have this hidden grief inside me, like a constantly weeping little girl.  I'm not even sure if I should tell anyone.  I do know that I am trying and this takes time.  The damage wasn't done in one day so I can't expect an easy fix.  I think therapy is helping me.  I also think volunteering for Crisis Text Line has helped me in feeling like I can help kids who felt as helpless as I did.  I can really tap into their feelings and help them navigate out of their overwhelming feelings.  So that's me in a nushell.

[Trees]

Welcome to the site, rlg6859.  I am sorry your journey in life has been so rough so far.  Kudos to you for getting sober!  Also for wanting to give your daughter a decent life.

There is a lot of information here on the site, and also a lot of support and compassion.  I believe you will find a number of people here with lives and concerns like yours.

My favorite book on the subject is Pete Walker's "CPTSD From surviving to thriving."  It is full of information presented in a very compassionate way.

All the best to you and big hugs.