[Bimsy]

Hi everyone! 

It's so nice to finally have found this place, I am reading through posts like crazy- trying to find out more about CPTSD.

Right now I just need to tell you about a dream I had last night, It felt so connected to CPTSD:

I was walking in a forest on a path that took me lower and under the ground until I found a well hidden cave far away from people.
In that cave I knew that I could be myself and I felt happy and free as I finally found that beautiful place that was just for me.
I have a faint memory of almost being split in two, where the person I am right now is one person but the person I became in the cave was my true self and she was amazing!

For some reason the scenery kept changing but the cave was always connected with a waterfall and I had undressed and sat naked in this waterfall, just enjoying the water and the sun.
It was so beautiful and innocent, like I was naked in the same way a child can be- just free and careless!

The scenery changed again and suddenly my cave and waterfall was in a big storage room where people could rent a space to keep their stored things.
The waterfall was running down into a swimming pool that was centred in the middle of this big, dark building and it was surrounded by peoples old things that was stacked in there.
As I looked up I saw a few guys peeping into the window, they were pointing at me and sneering and taking pictures of me with a camera.

I just gave them the finger and went into my cave but then a storage guard came and threw me out of the building.
He told me that I was trespassing but I didn't think so, I went there the next day despite everything because I didn't want to give up that feeling I had in that cave.

When I came back the cave was more open, there was only a few curtains that blocked the entrance and I went out into the warehouse, the scenery there hadn't changed, it was still dark and full of old stuff that people didn't really care about but still wanted to keep.
I met a friend there, it was the last guy I had become infatuated with before I realized that I was just living in a dream and that we had nothing in common.
We went into the cave together and saw the guys that had been standing outside the windows and taking pictures of me, they had taken over the place and was dealing drugs and littering all over my poor cave.

After that I woke up and I was sad that I wasn't able to keep that cave the way it was.

In some way it reminds me of the innocence that we all feel when we are children before we start getting self concious and criticizing ourselves.
The cave is our personal space inside of us where we should be able to feel free, but people had begun storing their old * around my cave and were trespassing into my holy space without respect.
They just did what they felt like and I felt powerless, the only thing that had kept people away was that no one knew about this cave.

I want to write something about "claiming space" but I don't know how to put it in words, this dream has occupied my mind all day
I really do hope that all of you get to feel the cave-feeling, it was so liberating and beautiful!
Just like our minds should be.



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[arpy1]

it really says it all, doesn't it? how invaded and violated, body, soul and spirit we have been.

the cave - that is so beautiful. i love it. may we all return to our own caves and turf out all the invaders and their stuff.   

[Bimsy]

Thanks arpy1! ^^

I realized that it sounded a lot like all of those meditation- cd's that one could listen to where a calm voice talks about a beautiful garden or something but I never really thought about that garden as a sacred space like it was in my dream
Next time I'll meditate I'll keep the cave in mind!

[woodsgnome]

Thanks so much  for sharing your dream, Bimsy. While there are dozens of theories about what dreams mean or represent, in the end each of us is free to connect with what seems important, to figure out what's sometimes apparent, while at other times the insight comes only after a bit of reflection.

Your cave reminded me of a recurring set of dreams I've had. The setting is always a house with an empty upstairs (my cave). For a long time I left it at that--my dream character/"me" knew the empty portion was there, but for a long time resisted finding out why it was so. I thought along the lines of "oh, shucks, I'm missing something; I'm not complete, there's all this empty space not filled  ".

Part of my negative reaction may have stemmed from the memory of a relatively empty upstairs attic I retreated to as a youth when the life downstairs became too much to bear and the upstairs attic became my place to cry it out in.

Until in one dream, the "me" character took a chance and investigated the mysterious upstairs in the dream house. Not sure why, but it seemed to finally be okay to investigate, although the dream "me" was still cautious.

Long dream(s) short, I found a stunning message in the emptiness...I found it spacious instead of confining, pointing to possibility, not lack. So, that's why there was the emptiness.  It represented my hopes, my journey beyond the despair left downstairs.   

I also note your waterfall metaphor. I had another series of dreams where I was chased by the abusers of my youth. I was in a canoe, and finally escaped and found peace...at...a...waterfall! I've incorporated waterfalls, and that incredibly beautiful "empty" space, into parts of my recovery process, built around other metaphors for journeying, like candle-lanterns, canoe trips, etc.

This new outlook, still a work-in-progess, started with dreams...simultaneously I'd had some ferocious nightmares; but I can always remember the dreams of hope and possibility, so your dream with its cave/waterfall/sacred space references reminded me to stay on track with what I've been learning. There's many signs from my life that all is lost; but now I can sense I've no need to wallow in them, either.

Again, thank you!     

[Bimsy]

Thank You woodsgnome! 

What a cool thing to discover that the empty space was a good thing after all and to think that you thought it was something bad at first, it reminds me of how we can have negative predictions about things that never come true.
Do you think you will decorate this space in the future or is it always going to be a representation of the future that has to stay empty since we never know what is going to happen?
Maybe it needs to stay empty because YOU are the only one who can fill that space?

I used to try and interpret dreams a lot before and one of the few things I remember is that water usually symbolizes emotions.
So if you would dream about a stormy sea it could mean that you've got stormy emotions inside of you.

My sister once told me about a dream she had that our family was drowning in the sea and she couldn't do anything. I think it could mean that she was afraid that she would drown the family in her emotions, which could be a possibility since our family is dysfunctional when it comes to emotions in general.

Maybe a waterfall could mean that we are feeling our emotions?
That they are not clogged up but running freely and steadily into a stream.


I actually had another thought about why I was naked in my waterfall.
I think I've always felt that peoples approval depended a lot on my looks or how they perceived me, that I had to be sexualized in order to be accepted or to be considered to have something to offer.
And the same thing goes for how I am as a person, it has always been put in to relation to what other people think of me, if they approve or not.

In the beginning of my dream I was undressed of everyone's opinions and it was SO liberating!

Today I try to imagine getting undressed WITHOUT looking in the mirror and judging myself from the perspective of other people.
It is hard but I am dead set on creating a space for myself inside my head where no one but me gets a say in what is good or not

[woodsgnome]

Good questions, Bimsy.  Thank you.

First, you wondered about the empty upstairs: "maybe it has to stay empty since we never know what is going to happen?" Yes/no, it seems. Subsequent dreams had 'me' entering the empty space, and it was different each time...and always like the upstairs led to or had been replaced by an open sky. Reminds me of a performance stage, and the scenes/acts rotate in and out; unlike the stationary/historical (hysterical?) setting found on the lower floor.

Regarding waterfalls, I've come to regard them (in my dreams and/or waking daydreams) as thoughts cascading down. Like a waterfall, you can't stop the thoughts, even or especially the negative ones. And, if you try to stop the waterfall (emotions or thoughts) it can overwhelm you. At the bottom the water might pool up and muddy the mind...or you can let them flow on, break up a dam if you have to, and eventually the water finds its way to the ocean. Kinda like reaching the open sky in the other scenario.

[Bimsy]

"Hysterical" setting! haha!
Hopefully not
So you are an actor on life's stage as it were, filling the future with your actions!
It seems reasonable, the only thing that can create the future is the present.

To think of water as thoughts is also a good metaphor!
I was thinking something about how we mustn't let every thought crash down on us but the same thing goes for emotions.
And to be in a waterfall doesn't necessarily mean that every thought or feeling comes in to our body but rather that it can flow freely through us without getting stuck inside of us.
So yeah it feels like a good way to picture things!

[Bimsy]

Just a tip: to sit down in the shower is pretty much like a waterfall-feeling.
I think this could be good for me who has a hard time sitting still during meditation, the water is always moving which makes me less twitchy than if I had to be perfectly still in a silent environment.

[Multicolour]

That is an amazing dream and it all made perfect sense. Thanks for sharing it.

[Bimsy]

Thank YOU Multicolour ^^