Realising How Nasty I have been

[Laynelove]

I need help coming to terms with how badly I have been treating people.

Cptsd has stopped me from expressing my feelings, I can't tell people I care about them, that I love them and that they mean alot to me yet I can jump down their throat at any hint of rejection or critisism from them. It has made me a very cold and selfish person. How can I get over my fear of saying nice things to people...it has to be better then venting and being mean at any little mistake they have made.

I also want to fix things with someone I know I have hurt but don't really know how to apologise.

[Dutch Uncle]

Recognizing this is a big step forward, Laynelove. 

My personal, subjective take on this is: first try to stop doing what you don't want to do ("I can jump down their throat at any hint of rejection or critisism from them.") and you will free op space, time, energy to put something in place of it.
What exactly that should be, or better said: will be, is anybodies guess. But in time you'll find out what suits you better.
Perhaps for now it's already a big improvement not to slip into negativity.

There are some excellent sites on how to make proper apologies.

Hang in there, you're doing well.   

[Laynelove]

Thanks for the replies Dutch uncle it's a great help!

[arpy1]

when i don't know how to apologise, or i'm not sure how much is my fault and how much not, sometimes a wee card with a short note to say something like 'sorry if i overreacted, i really do appreciate you' or something like that is a good icebreaker. gives the other person the space to respond however they feel able? and keeps it un-intense and avoids the triggering face-to-face stuff.  might work.

also are you able to be open with them about the cptsd? that might help them be a bit more forbearing if you get triggered and act out. try and not beat yourself up too much, Laynelove, this is not your fault, it's part of the package.  and the fact that it bothers you and you are looking to change it means that your heart is in the best possible place.  honestly. not everyone would give a d**n.

much support 

[Oakridge]

I also face this challenge. My way of handling the childhood abuse i lived through was either to become self-destructive and self-loathing or to get very angry. While I believe the anger as a child saved me from killing myself, it doesn't serve me as an adult. I believe the other respondents gave some sage advice, particularly trying to be aware of your nastiness and the triggers that bring it on. I would also guess that underneath all this is a deep hurt that may be even harder to face and experience. This is the path i am on at this point and it is a challenge to catch the pattern before it's triggered. I am seeing improvement, but it's slow and there are setbacks. I am also trying not to beat myself up when it gets triggered, as that just makes it worse. Compassion for myself is helping.

[Laynelove]

Thanks guys, no it's not something I share with people. I'd rather them think I'm a bit fiery then know I am sick.

[Indigochild]

Laynelove,

I came to this realisation too, and I realised I was acting lie my mother, but that it wasnt my fault, because I had bene taught to act that way. I decided I didnt want to act like her anymore, and am trying all the time.
It is so great you have realised this.
I find it hard to express love etc too, and a lot of it is to do with my ever fluctuating feelings about others, and i feel that nothing good ever lasts.

I dont know how you can get over your fear of saying nice things to others, but i think that learning to trust (only in people who are trustworthy and who are worthy of your trust), may help you to express feelings.
Once you are in touch with your feelings, your true feelings, and are comfortable expressing feelings not only to others, but most importantly, yourself, it may come a bit easier.
People in most of our pasts ruined our trust in a number of ways. You are not a horrible person, and I hope you realise this. You are trying to protect yourself, and whilst it isn't ok to hurt others...you are acting out of fear most likely.

Im sorry i dont have any advice, i just had to write because i wanted to say that at the moment, i am suppressing my desire to vent my anger in naggy sarcasting comments at my partner, and its hard. I feel a lot of distress in my body, and i dont want you to stifle to the point of exhaustion. I hope you find some answers.
I like to hit my punch bag when things get heated.

If you feel able to explain to the other person , that maybe your not asking them for forgiveness, but if they do then- great, but that you are simply asking them to hear that you are sorry for the way things have been?
Don't know if you can explain your Cptsd to them? Its not making excuses, its jut telling the facts, as they are.
If not, maybe just a simple apology.
You are a great person, and i feel where you are coming from on this.

Indigo

[Bimsy]

In my family an apology was always rewarded with shaming.
If I would admit that I had done something wrong then the road was clear for everyone to abuse me verbally and emotionally since I was the one to blame.
Hence- apologizing meant that I would be shamed and that everyone had the right to pick on me when I was already feeling bad and ashamed.

No wonder it became impossible to apologize!

Nowadays I feel like a better person if I apologize, I think this is what makes all the difference.
To apologize means that you should be shown respect for admitting your mistakes and that you'd like to make it all better again.
No one has the right to degrade you or make you feel even worse, even though they might want to talk for a moment about what you did that made them feel bad.
But that is not to make you feel worse, it is just to explain what happened so that you two can get on the same level again.

For me it can still be hard if I have apologized and the person is still mad at me and still want to take their anger out on me.
But I try to be compassionate with myself and think about how I did the right thing even though it didn't make the person happy, at least my conscience is clear.


Believe me, I have been treating people horribly in the past and felt like there was no use in apologizing since it wouldn't help anyway.
And after I had apologized I didn't know what to do, I felt like I was below the person I had apologized to and that I had to spend my time feeling guilty and making it up to that person.
Now I can rest with the fact that an apology is enough and if I have to compensate someone I need to be clear of what is expected of me.
(Like if I break something then I'll pay for what I broke and then we're even).
To not know what someone expects from oneself can drive you mad as your shame tells you that no compensation is ever good enough.

It is a process to learn that you are a good person who had made mistakes that you didn't know how to fix but if you can learn this you will finally be able to trust that a relationship will last.
You will not have to fear that all of the good times might end as soon as you mess things up because you had a bad day.
And you will not have to fear that people will leave you as soon as they see your ugly side, we all have sides that are not that pretty that we only show to the people we trust.

Hopefully you can learn how to apologize to people who can appreciate how hard it is for you to apologize and understand that you are trying your best.