Hopeful yet really, really scared

[Ladybug Mary]

Hi.  Found this site after stumbling on the diagnosis of C-PTSD which I now believe is at the heart of the hole in my soul that compels my isolation, addiction and relationship issues and has for most of my life.  Grew up in a home with a dying brother (cancer diagnosis at 2, died from treatment complications at 10).  Exactly 6 mos prior to his diagnosis, my father left my mom for another woman.  In short order, we had to move across the country, my mom's drinking became much more excessive and I saw my father only 2x a year.  As the oldest child, I became my mother's confidante and sounding board and some of my most terror filled moments happened when she was drunk and crying to me in her despair over my youngest brother's diagnosis.

I am 46 now.  My middle brother is a homeless alcoholic who I have no contact with.  My mom died 3 years ago after long struggle with dementia what almost killed me as it reawakened old pain and abandonment issues.  I dutifully call my father every few weeks (he lives in another state) and see him occasionally.  I am in the middle of a dovirce, have no kids and feel very, very aolne and broken with a severe fear of meaningful connection as it terrifies me... 

Should mention my marriage lasted 10 years but it was "safe" because he was a workaholic and we lived together as roommates.  A truly intimate relationship at this point would have me running for the hills but I don;t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I am hoping I have the courage and conviction to face this and truly heal but it feels too big and exhausting to me now.  Nonetheless, I will try as the alternative is ongoing despair.

[Trees]

Welcome to the site, Ladybug Mary.  I am so glad you found your way here.   

Isolation is a main theme in my life, too.  Human relationships of any sort are so scary for me, and yet human contact is almost as necessary as food.  For me, coming here to this site gives me a bit of human companionship with less scariness.  Even though every time I post I get very nervous, still it gives me also a little boost of connectedness.  I hope you, too, will find a sense of connectedness here, a sense of self-worth, an idea for what baby steps might work for you to find more peace and safety in life.

Congratulations on finding the courage to make your first post here!   I hope you will read around on the site and make yourself at home.  You are deserving of respect and love and safety and peace.  We connect together here to remind each other of that.

All the best to you in your journey, and big hugs.