Triggers

[Dyess]

I may have asked about this before but how do you handle triggers and the after effect? Seems like once I get triggered I draw inward, feel angry, just want to stay in bed and not deal with anything. This lasts for about three days then I start coming out of it

[woodsgnome]

I seem to have 2 types of triggers--those that affect me immediately and that I'm conscious of; and those unconscious sorts that I realize later created something I notice about how I'm feeling, even after the immediate trigger--almost like the trigger happened in trance 'cause it was too painful so I ignored the 'first wave'.

In the case of the first, I indeed do as you indicate--retreat and not deal with anything. With the second, it just seems to drag me down until the self-realization of what happened hits.

Sometimes, given how isolated my life has been (even when I had 'social' jobs and at least a couple friends), it seems like my whole life has been one solid trigger and I just vary my responses to it. Kind of like a huge reflexive reaction to a lot of hurt. Not a lot of logic to it, just like so much of this condition. Or is considering it as illogical kind of a gallows humour wish to avoid the sadness?  ...'cause if it were logical it would seem worse.

[tired]

i take some kind of action. i get up and do something that is in the moment and clearly brings me back to reality.  assuming i'm aware of the trigger, obviously

[jmurray4092]

Yeah, I know how it is. I have no safe place. Go to work, I feel unsafe. Go home I feel unsafe. Trigger and hate and anger and blame is apart of my every minute. With every word of certain people, I want to make them go away. Yet, I can not....powerless...victimized...unloved. what a life.

[tired]

yesterday i was triggered and i don't know what happened exactly.  the context was expressing that i cared about someone, feeling guilty that i didn't do enough/show enough even though she was very happy with me at the time, and also i didn't take ritalin that day and i felt like my conversation wasn't flowing.  after she left  i was agitated and i just couldn't figure it out.  i felt like a failure at relating to people somehow. 

the best i can figure is that i was upset earlier in the day and i wasn't acknowledging it.  when i thought about it that way, it helped because it took the focus off of the triggering event.  I thought, this is not about me not having social skills. this is about me being upset at my mother for things that happened earlier in the week, and it makes sense that i would be anxious in general.  somehow this gave me some distance from the triggering event and turned it into something that really didn't matter. as much as i care for this person in my life, she is only an acquaintance and the real issues in my life have nothing to do with her.  it's not that i would tell myself, who cares if she stops liking me i don't care.  i do care-but what i can tell myself is that she really isn't the main focus of my life.  my life is about my drama with family and taking care of my child and not knowing if i did a good job.  worrying about my parenting skills and am i being irritable with my kids because of my stress level. 

i'm sure that there is some connection to how i relate to this person who is just an acquaintance and my situation (nc) with my mother.  i don't know what it is or maybe i know and i don't want to think abou t it. it would probably be good if i did.

my actual reaction, last night, was to make a to do list.  basically, "remember that you are not in your right mind and you're going to forget basic things like showering and putting on socks".  i wrote it on my arm, with times, ex.  shower 30 minutes. breakfast 7am oatmeal.  i should probably put shower last, so the list doesn't wash off.

[Oakridge]

I appreciate this conversation. While i am getting clearer as the months move on about triggers in life, it still usually hindsight wisdom. So this means that i first have to recoup from the bout and the embarrassment of it, and then i am able to unpack it and understand what happened. As some of you have indicated, the triggering event is not necessarily the most recent event. As i unpack the bout, i start to see in the hours or days leading up to it that there was a variety of triggering moments that i didn't pick up on and deal with before a bout fully blossomed. This is one of my greatest frustrations, that is, seeing it in hindsight but not before a bout is fully triggered. So as some of you have indicated, i find myself more and more isolated due to fear about missing another trigger and having a bout be more public. Of course being public today can be done electronically, so staying in the house for safety is not like it was in the past.

[Dyess]

Hello Oakridge and welcome. Yes, triggers are dastardly joys of this adventure.  First time someone asked me what my triggers were I had this deer in the headlight look , trying to figure out how to answer that. At the beginning I didn't know what to call it. It was something that happened and made me feel horrible for a few days afterwards. Then I started dissecting the day, researching online and found it was a trigger. Then it happened more, I knew what it was.....afterwards, but it was from something else. So my point is there are probably so many triggers we have yet to come across. It's not as easy as saying this , this and this are my triggers. But I have found trying to stay grounded as much as possible has helped some. I carry some pebbles in my pocket and when I get antsy I hold those and remind myself what I'm holding, where they came from, how they feel what color they are, etc. and that seems to help me. The grounding has helped me get out into public more.

[Pieces]

My biggest trigger is making progress, if that makes any sense. I get tired, feel (extremely) down, angry and annoyed. This deep frustration comes out and overshadows everything. I know it's part of the two steps forward, one step back process and it's heavily inner critic related. It has been getting easier to recognize it and not to worry too much about it, to see it as a moment of consolidation and processing. It's weird to rationally see and understand it while feeling and emotion wise still feeling like a wreck.

[Kizzie]

Dyess appears to have left OOTS but we'll leave the thread open as it's a good one so if you want to carry on, please do.

[jenniejenniebangbang]

Biggest trigger is anyone that resembles the ones I've gone no contact on: TOXIC.  Apparently, we can not escape every single one of them, because they always appear out of no where it seems. And, if it's a young family member, we have to find ways to adapt. It's hard, but it can and should be done.

I have finally put my foot down and set boundaries. I've also gone grey rock with this family member. It has seemed to work,  but now we are hardly speaking, if at all. At first, I was a bit hurt by this as I really thought it was best to come to some sort of resolution to the problem, but the silence between us has gone on for weeks now, and neither of us appears to want to bridge the gap. We speak only when we have to.

But, what is the alternative?  If we do begin to open communications once again, I fear it won't go well. It hasn't before. I feel the only way to be around some people, whether friend or family member, is to go grey rock sometimes. Otherwise, the chaos ensues without an end. I'm tired anymore. Of everything and everyone.

This family member appears to be narcissistic and I know where I went wrong, in not setting boundaries and giving him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. Finally, with the birth of another child, I have put my foot down and set boundaries and he hasn't liked it very well because he's been "cut off" from getting attention or MONEY or anything else whenever he wishes. Really, I noticed all of this right around the time of the baby's birth. I mentioned this to hubby, and he also agrees. This also triggered a past event of older sister mentioning how she wanted to be the only child and hated having brothers and sisters. It made me wonder if that is what is going on here? We have also noticed how he refuses to participate in any family outings and such. We have even made every effort to include him, but to no avail. He seems to prefer being on his own, doing his own thing. This also has been going on a lot more since the birth of the baby. I feel this seclusion and ignoring the needs of other family members is not healthy and I've said so. Nothing has changed. Because it won't. Some people are the way they are and we have to learn to live with it.

Anyway, just feeling a bit overwhelmed at times, since going no contact with a few family and friends. I see I still have a ways to go and things to do. It seems like it never ends. I want to move on and heal, but it seems like such a battle at times!  I'm trying to take one step at a time, but then something else pops up and sets me back!

[Indigochild]

I cant believe that this is the right thread for me to post this on, i have been wanting to ask for ages. I did make a thread asking if anyone knew any substitutes for smoking...
Like T said, everyone said i need to work out what smoking does for me, exactly why i need to do it...
Its usually in response to triggers...although it has carried on for me every day...
T says that i dont know how to just deal with calmness and quiet, and things going ok when the flashbacks are over.
She said i need something to worry about, therefore i use smoking subconsciously, to create worry as i dont know how to live with out it.

I think that a part of smoking is, it helps me recognise that i have been triggered, it gives me space, numbs me (sometimes with the head high), and is self punishing.
I just dont know what to do that is self damaging that is similar to smoking...
Sometimes, even though I'm convinced that i dont feel feelings very much, there is a huge dampener on everything...
a trigger can bother me, it winds me up in my head, i dont feel sad, and anger is very squashed about it, so i cant let the anger out, because when i try i feel *nothing*.
The times i have talked to my partner about something that is annoying me, (i can only do this if its about other people- not myself),
I still feel unsettled, because no matter how nice he is etc. the trigger still bothers me.
Then i get lost in thoughts like, well, theres nothing i can do, the world sucks etc etc.
and i feel frustrated, unsettled.
I guess its like a pain...i hate having those uncomfortable feelings, but i feel like ...why am i uncomfortable with these feelings, when i cant even fully access them?

Does anyone else feel this way?
And does anyone have any ideas about how to feel better when triggers happen?
Sometimes when i feel lonely, empty, and a bit sad, i try to sit with it and cry, but , even if a few tears come, they are very little and i cant *feel* sad. I just dont. and its like I'm upset for no reason, then i wonder if I'm over reacting, or if I'm imagining things.
It feels like everything is blocked and i dont know how to make myself feel better (weather blocked or not).

Thanks everyone.

[Dutch Uncle]

***possible trigger on harming myself***

I think that a part of smoking is, it helps me recognise that i have been triggered, it gives me space, numbs me (sometimes with the head high), and is self punishing.

I can relate, especially with the self-punishing part. I know that's a big factor in why I smoke. (being aware of it seems to be a different matter. Is this dissociation? That's a rhetorical question, I guess.) It's the only self-mutilation I do.
(as I type this, I realize I've never seen it so clearly as self-mutilation before.)

I think that for me there's a root in the fact that we as children (my siblings and I) were promised $200 if we wouldn't smoke until we were 18, and another $300 if we kept it up until we were 21. The idea being that as an adult we would be able to withstand the temptation ourselves.
My sister, 6 years my senior, pocketed the full $500, and magically started to smoke the day after (well, more or less anyway, practically speaking this is what she did). I wasn't fooled, nobody was fooled. She had conned dad (traditionally in charge of "the money" in our household) out of the bucks and of course had smoked all along.
I was 15 at the time, smoked an Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie at that time, which soon grew into smoking a fag or two-three a day. (Perhaps by the time I was 16. I can't remember that precise.) I didn't want to con dad, so I faced the choice of quitting or telling dad upfront. I didn't want to get caught red-handed.
So I wanted to forfeit my $500 by telling him. Naughty adolescent wanted to rebel as well, I guess. Smokers were rebels. Exciting!
At the same time I was also a Saint. So there's a Win-Win ring to it as well.

Perhaps I feel obliged still to keep my end of the bargain. So I can feel still like a Saint.
Perhaps I still want to "rub it in" to daddy, the Bully, the Brute who used to beat me. "NanaNanaaaNaaaNah! You can't control me daddy, you never really could! I couldn't be bought. I don't want your stinkin' money."
It might well be both, still.
The irony: by smoking, self-mutilating, I can feel like a Saint.

As it happened, I actually expected some respect from my dad at the time. I'm not sure if I spelled it out to him (the con my sis played on him, that is.) Perhaps I did. Can't remember.
Of course he was more upset about it. Told me if I would quit I would still get the money. Which shows his care. (Thanks dad!  Didn't realize that there and then. In fact, as I type this I see it for what it was.) Which was of course an offer to the deaf ears of a rebelling teen. I stuck to my guns. It had been a carefully weighted decision.
To be honest, I can respect the little teen for that.
Perhaps I should step up and be the adult that I'm now. 


Thanks for this thought provoking post, Indigo.