An email to a friend about a past relationship I had

[sleepingwolf]

I wrote this email today in wanting to share it with a friend. I was pretty happy with it, and wanted to share it here. Its quite long, but I hope a part of it can be of some use or comfort to others too:

Oh, I'm 27, was married, now separated with a completely different life, 2+ years on from uncovering my partners affair with a close friend (at the time).


The email:


I've got some time today so I wanted to write you an email, and to address some of the things you've emailed about before. I think I'm going to stick to just talking about my experiences and myself, instead of giving 'advice' or commenting on your situation. I've recently read in my cptsd book, if people don't ask for advice, be very cautious to give it! Ooops for my whole life... haha!


For me, relationships of all kinds are tough. I remember when my ex left me and I lost a huge amount of friends, I had an overriding feeling that I just couldnt be arsed with people any more, and would much rather become a monk and live in the woods. I felt pretty strongly that many things had gone wrong, that so many people were out to get me, couldn't be trusted, that I was *, worthless and so on. I had a lot of hate too, hate towards those people, towards life, towards myself. Hate is a horrible feeling, and it always wants vengance. I wanted the whole world to know what had gone on, and what bad things had happened, and I was indignant at people, friends of friends, so on, who weren't 'on my side'. It was a pretty * state of feeling and mind really. But I also felt at that time that I did want something new, that I did deserve something, but I wasn't sure what.

Looking back now I can see that I was 'out of balance'. I couldn't see it at the time, but now I see that I entered the relationship with my ex, and with my other now past friends, from a bad angle, from the wrong perspective. This meant that the relationship process was a certain way, creating something, giving something, resulting in something, and that was unchangeable. A lot of hurt and anger at the beginning was from this unchangeable nature of the situation. But it hurt so much because I believed I had entered from a point of balance, a positive and loving place, and so I was so appalled with the outcome. I felt hugely hard-done-by, because to me things had veered violently of course, massively. Like, from a nice pleasant car ride to sudddenly hitting a brick wall at a thousand miles an hour.

A big change came for me when I was in therapy, and looking into things myself. It came from that 'I want something new' feeling, which when I felt * was said in a 'I can't take this any more!' voice. So in great pain and in moderate times, the message was always, the old is enough, I want something new and change. The change was when I came across the idea and meaning of the game 'victim'. I think I've said before, but 'games' are just thoughts and behaviours that skip around and avoid real connection and feeling, and just play out like a game of some kind, but which are never resolved. Initially I revelled in seeing how others I had known played this game, and how I could see that behaviour and recognise it quite clearly after a time. But then...ot oh...a little voice said...you play the game too! And that voice, combined with wanting something new, lead me to take on that I made myself a victim, I played the victim game.

Even thinking of it now, my brain flips into gear and starts saying all sorts! The victim game is different from being a true victim of certain events. A true victim is when you are a victim of some hurt or situation, which is not your fault, and you need and deserve compassion, care and a hug. The victim game doesnt care how much compassion, care and hugs it gets, its not going to live again any time soon!

One day, I can't remember what fully gave me the resolve, but I decided to not be a victim, to not play that role. I wanted a life, my own life, where I didnt feel like a victim. I didn't know how the * I was going to do it, but its what I wanted.

So, much bad had happened, and that was sad, and I rightly felt sorry for myself, and angry at the others who caused it. I also recieved compassion and kindness, which was really nice. This is the point where the victim game keeps going, and where not playing the game changes my usual pattern. I had to look at what happened, and really look. My overall thought was 'I dont want this to happen again'. This was in many fears, thoughts and worries, but that is what they all pointed towards. From bits that I knew about my past back then, I thought it a good idea to read up about relationships, and read some relationship 'self-help' books. This was tough and upsetting, as I had to admit that I wasn't very good at relationships, or at least that I needed to read up about it. I read quite a lot of these types of books, and they were all very upsetting. They made me see more and more that i had entered the relationships and friendships from a negative stance, from an unbalanced place, and that I didn't have much good advice, experience or behaviour to copy. I could then slowly see that all these factors resulted in the 'final show' of how my relationship and friendships ended. I had played a part too, I had done many things wrong too. Not that it made anything 'my fault', it wasn't about that. Its done and in the dirt now, so I felt less and less protective over my role. I'm still seeing things that 'didn't help' now, and I'm sure it will continue.

The awesome thing was that I could actually learn stuff from these books. I learnt what a healthy relationship was, what to go towards, what to avoid, lots of tips and help...it was great! I finally felt empowered, like I was creating something really useful for myself. I wasnt a victim any more! The past didnt matter! It was such an amazing feeling. Yes, many of the steps brought a lot of pain. I had to admit my 'lack' or my 'not knowing', which was a big blow to my ego. I felt very ashamed and very embarassed a lot, like a University Professor who had to go and re-sit a gsce maths paper, and finds that he really struggles. Gosh, what a calamity!

I guess I thought I was 'good' at relationships. In truth I'm seeing more and more that I was good at, and am good at, 'fawning'. That just means giving someone else what they want. Thats not a relationship at all. But thats upsetting, as the roots of that issue are in pain also.

The awesome thing about not being a victim, and looking at all the areas I went wrong, had difficulties with, didnt understand, meant that I really could fix them, for real. And move on, for real. It was also great as it didnt involve my ex any more, or my old friends. This was my life, me doing something for myself, and thoughts, focus and anger/pain over them slowly faded away. I'd say at this point even saying 'my ex' is odd, as that feels like quite a long time ago.

Its true that if I look back and think over my relationship with my ex, or my then-best-friend, then I can fall into thinking negative or angry...but really there is no reason to any more. I did something about it, I learnt, found support, found out where I went wrong, found out what I wanted. It really doesn't matter much any more. I also have put to use the new things I learnt, and am still learning. I now love to learn about stuff like that, its so helpful and useful. Yes, sometimes I feel silly or lame reading 'another' self help book or looking at odd 'wikihow' type websites, but its all good stuff, theres always a little gem in everything. Its true too that I feel a lot of pain from reading and learning, sometimes for days on end. It makes me realise something upsetting or sensitive, and so I feel sad or bad. But I feel better again after some comfort, and continue with it. I don't see myself as a victim at all now, not overall.

I remember thinking and feeling when I first started 'not being a victim', or when I was still playing the victim game, that looking and focussing on myself, and the problems, issues, difficulties that I had, that it felt like being punched really hard in the face, or stomped on all over. I'd be like, 'I feel like *, why do I want to look at how bad I was?!'. But I realised that too was a victim response! I had a 'I've got you!' moment, when I realised that I was victim-gaming out of a possible end to victim-gaming. I had a point, as really I had to take the road with care and kindness. It wasn't about listing my faults, it was about learning and healing. Also, those first steps really did feel like being punched all over, it was horrible. But looking back now I can see the better imagery was that I was actually peeling off old and rotten bandages, ones that I had put on years ago and had moulded to my skin. They hadn't been changed, or cleaned or dealt with, so they had just festered. When the time came to take them off, to allow the wounds to breathe and heal, and have new bandages placed on, then that really * hurt, and the doctor/nurse looked like a right *! However, in time, they have healed a great deal.

Even as I write now I can hear that little voice saying 'does this not apply to my childhood too?'. I guess it applies to every difficulty, every wound. But I feel I'm used to not playing any victim game with myself any more, that has become the norm. So any problem I will face with the full attitude and attempt to heal, because I feel very much that I deserve that.