Heading towards integration

obscured · December 10, 2015, 11:19:31 AM

I have been so confused for decades because of undiagnosed cPTSD/ DIDNOS. I have been working with a great therapist for five years on and off and only recently did she meet one of my emotional personalities which gave her a true insight into how much pain I have been living with. I never let this part of me show his face in her room before a few weeks ago.

After she saw that part of me she explained how my parts are quite seperate. This answered a lot of questions and made it ok to acklowledge my inconsistent reactions, moods and the conversations that go around in my head. I have learnt about the apparently normal personality and the emotional personalities that make up my fragmented sense of self. My aparently normal personality has been the one engaging in therapy most of the time with a few of my other alters occasionally showing up. My really hurt trauma personality hasn't even trusted this therapist and has resisted treatment until now.

For the longest time my aparently normal personality has been trying to pull my four emotional personalities into line, invalidating them and upsetting them along the way. Now I know it is ok to acknowledge that I have entirely different reactions within me to each situation that comes up during my day. I have to take all these points of view and feelings into consideration because they all make up the whole of me.

I don't wish to label myself as a multi personality person and remain at war with myself for the rest of my life. I am working towards integrating all these different parts of myself into one fairly coherent whole. My aparently normal self had a lot of success earlier in the year with yoga and meditation and while he was chilled out and not giving the rest of me a hard time I was feeling more peaceful than ever before. I want to be able to get all my parts to try yoga and meditation too. Trauma part and * goddess part are the most resistant. Dissociation part likes to try as does my really young self. I am 3/5ths of the way there!

It's just great to know what the problem is and to be able to express how I feel about it and how I am starting to deal with it so candidly. Imagine talking like this on facebook, for example. People wouldn't get it unless they understand the effects of complex trauma and they would call you crazy. I'm not crazy but I am very complicated. I can give myself a break about it now though, which is such a massive relief.

It's great to be exiting another crisis phase and gliding back into another growth and integration phase. I wish you all the best in your recoveries.

mourningdove · December 12, 2015, 09:37:45 AM

It's a wonderful insight you've gained about the ANP invalidating the others. I've just sort of stumbled onto that one myself recently, and it makes a huge difference.

sleepingwolf · December 12, 2015, 04:38:20 PM

Thanks for sharing obscured, really good to read. Awesome work!

I can relate a great deal. I often feel that way too, and have similar difficulties. I agree too, its very hard to talk about or put across in a way that others can understand.
I feel that I too am in a situation like yourself, one of growth and exploration!

I was thinking the other day about how there is a positive of this difficulty, and that is that in some ways we are able to connect to those parts of ourselves. We know about and work with our inner lives. Many people don't get that, or even know that exists. They would be a 'I am this, I like this' type person (usually a social 'norm') and that is that for them. We know thats not the case, and so have great opportunity to grow and learn.

As I move forward I can see more and more that the different parts (I call them fragments) are all me. I can just about glimpse that at times now. On a day to day level then I see me, I guess the 'normal' part like you say, and then I have other characters that I am inspired by. For example, I would read a book because one of the characters would like it, and I want to be like them because it feels nice, so I read it. All of the characters are so awesome though! Well, now I'm feeling much better and worked through a lot...which means I think I'm awesome!

But, that doesn't make too much sense to me at the moment.

Good luck with it all!

obscured · December 14, 2015, 07:46:23 AM

Quote from: mourningdove on December 12, 2015, 09:37:45 AM
It's a wonderful insight you've gained about the ANP invalidating the others. I've just sort of stumbled onto that one myself recently, and it makes a huge difference.

It sure does!

obscured · December 14, 2015, 07:53:07 AM

Quote from: sleepingwolf on December 12, 2015, 04:38:20 PM

I was thinking the other day about how there is a positive of this difficulty, and that is that in some ways we are able to connect to those parts of ourselves. We know about and work with our inner lives. Many people don't get that, or even know that exists. They would be a 'I am this, I like this' type person (usually a social 'norm') and that is that for them. We know thats not the case, and so have great opportunity to grow and learn.

This is very true. My therapist remarks how much insight I have about my mind and this we agree is the reason for that.

It used to be

but now with the right guidance it is

to have fragments or parts.

Good luck in your recovery