self hatred

Started by tired, December 13, 2015, 10:27:30 PM

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tired

i try to fight it but it seems to be a fixed reality in a part of my brain.  it drives me to eat crap and sabotage my life in any way it can think of.

one step forward two steps back. 



wallflower

The last time I had a terrible episode of self hate, I went to a thrift shop looking for a heart-shaped pendant and lo and behold there was one there! It was made of obsidian, which is supposed to be good for cleansing and protection, if you believe in that kind of stuff...in any case it was exactly what I wanted. I wear it as a reminder to love myself. Every little bit helps...Keep taking steps forward...

tired

I do look for physical reminders to care for myself.  I've extended the concept to many everyday things- my favorite mug, my special socks.  My magical bowl with the crack in it.


stacey

I understand this space. There are times when life is going okay and all the wild dogs are in their cages and the critic is on his leash, or at least retreats when you give him a dose of what for. And then there's the other days when he's snarling, and it all feels unsafe and like it will nevee change and you are always going to be stuck in this horrible space where it feels like you're stained and useless, and that all of your joy and good is going to be stuck inside of you. I'm in that giant vat at the moment and I'm sorry that you are too, Tired.

steamy

Tired, the irony is that you berate yourself for self sabotage and poor diet.

I am the same,  I wake in the morning and hear it telling me I MUST GET A JOB, if I go out for an evening, the next morning I wake in a pool of shame as if I exposed my man parts and made a fool of myself.

I hate the conservative concept of self responsibility, the world is not like that. Lets face it when we're down we are not gonna make ourselves happy with alfalfa sprouts and a carrot. All the good stuff that comforts is in junk food wine, coffee and chocolate.

I am not sure how to resolve cravings for high carb etc, I know that carbs raise the blood sugar give us an insulin spike that immediately takes the blood sugar right down, that makes us a little drowsy and at peace. Its a form of self medication telling you that you need to give yourself some love.

So I am no role model when it comes to eating the right stuff, I will tell you why. There are more things that shorten your life, called social determinants, lifestyle is only one of those determinants, so your social status, the crime rate in your area, your income, your home, how many family members are around, how you get on, how many supportive friends you have, your access to education or healthcare are all factors that influence your susceptibility to illness.

In Britain there has been a long term study in the civil service, called the whitehall study. It has been going on now for 50 years. They have found that the people who are lowest in the organisation die first and have most chronic illness, the folks at the top live longest and have least days of disability and illness - everybody else forms a gradient between the two positions according to their status. All disease is socially related and most of it could be prevented by more social equality. In the UK and USA people who are poorest on average die 30 years before their wealthy counterparts. Its not just about what people eat so don't beat yourself up about it.

The media wont tell you that because if they did somebody would have to do something about it. Its easier to blame people who are anxious and depressed because the majority are poor. you can see why rich conservatives don't like social medicine, they have least need for it.

None of this is in any way your fault tired.


tired

stacey:  yes i'm in that space.  i sometimes wonder, am i ever out of it or are those times when i feel good just an illusion.

steamy:  interesting about social structure and mental health.  i feel like i'm at the bottom of the barrel. i feel like i'm one step away from being homeless.  in my mind that's who i am. even when i was married to someone high in the heirarchy, even when i was up there myself.  i still felt low.   also what you said about how i berate myself about eating-it's the same old thing about adding insult to injury. i feel low, then i kick myself for feeling low. i eat comfort food then kick myself for eating it, and use more comfort food as punishment although by this time i'm stuffed and it's no longer comfortable.

today i had a client ask me about my record keeping.  do i write down everything i do with clients. truth is i'm disorganized and no i don't.  i worried she would ask to see her file. i'm just a fitness trainer and what i do isn't rocket science.  i don't know if trainers write down everything.  i suppose it would be helpful if i wrote down all things but is that even possible.  i was embarrassed. then she said she wrote me a check i never cashed and i dont' have a recollection of that. she has add and so maybe she's wrong but i assume it was me.  i felt literally sick from embarrassment during these conversations.  i had this sudden metallic sense in my head that i get when i am suddenly in trouble, like when you see the police lights flashing behind you.  she wrote me another check for three more sessions and i'm thinking, why are you doing this. can't you see how bad i am.  i thought maybe she wants to come a few more times to catch me making more mistakes. maybe she's going to blame me for something later.  maybe all the smiles are a sign of a disaster to come. and then after i have this fear, i think, well, if that happens then good; i have no business being a trainer anyway. i should be sued, i should be evicted, i should be homeless. i should be one of those people on the bottom rungs that end up in a trailer alone eating canned corn for dinner.  i'm tired of the charade, pretending to be upper class. and when you are a trainer you are working with wealthy clients, who can afford you. you are giving advice to them and they tend to think of you as in their class. you have to dress the part but you know you're not one of them because there is no way you can make that kind of money . trainers dont make a lot. not at all. even the ones that seem glamorous because maybe they are fit and healthy looking and we of course give fit people higher status.

anyway she just left and here i am alone and i feel better being miserable. i almost want to thank her for pointing out my flaws.  i wish someone would point out more, so i could just quit. 

sorry i am so miserable right now.

Annegirl

 :hug:  :hug: to you both and I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with wondering how i can love myself.  I have been trying to 'get over it' and started going to a church making friends, being positive, doing up the house, helping the kids with holidays before that with all homeschooling. My husband tells me be grateful it changes everything. To be honest I'm grateful every day for EVERYTHING, even how my past life helps me be stronger, just can't seem to shake the self hatred, and i hate it because i know if i loved myself every day i would be so much more relaxed and happy around my kids. Struggling with trying to handle when my husband gets angry which isn't often, but i don't cope with it and go back into bad coping mechanisms which would disturb the children if they ever found out. I reckon i'll eventually grow out of all this crap. Trying to train my mind into being at peace, positive and happy, but how can you love yourself when you don't like so many things about yourself.?

stacey

I wonder if we can't begin to learn to love ourselves even while we've got lots of self hatred. It sounds contradictory but there does seem to be space for both to be there at once.

Sometimes I feel like Bobcat Goldthwaite ... from those Police Academy movies I think they were? He was alternately aggressive and fearful. That's sort of what goes on on the inside. It feels like a right mess but I'm just so tired of being my own worst enemy

tired

i was thinking, how can i be more specific about why i hate myself and i think i believe i'm stupid. i have * for brains. i am incompetent because my brain is lacking in basic intelligence.  that's why i hate myself.  i'm the dumbest person on the planet and even the homeless somewhat mentally ill person bagging groceries seems smarter than me.  i don't think i'm evil or mean or a whore.  i think i do stupid things that make me seem that way. i don't think i'm lazy but i do stupid things that make me inefficient.

i should point out i scored high on iq tests and got good grades in school (As and Bs) and got an ok education. not ivy league or whatever (because i'm dumb).  but above average at least.  of course after school i stayed home and have never had a job. i barely finished school, with ok grades sure but barely.  because, again, dumb.

so then i punish myself by eating crap and acting the part of a mentally disabled person that needs to be on welfare and instead of healthy food i should be eating hot dogs and wonderbread using food stamps. 

i don't know where that came from.  a dark dungeon in my brain. 

stacey

What do you mean when you say you "do stupid things"? Do you mean you do things that sabotage yourself or you do things you don't really want to do and don't do things you really want to do?

tired

Sorry for my awful language by the way

some examples:

I laugh too loud sometimes.  Like when I have too much coffee. Sometimes I forgot what I was saying and I stumble over my words. Not often; probably as often as anyone.  I tend to overspend and I know I shouldn't.  I sometimes don't know what to say to my daughter when I need to correct her in some way and I don't know if I said the right thing in the right way.

I also self sabotage like overeating and excessive reckless spending but I think that's something else. 

stacey

Haha that's okay at the language, I'm rather foul-mouthed myself at times.

I dunno, none of those things seem very stupid to me. Just general things that imperfect people do. I think you're being really hard on yourself. You're actually allowed to be imperfect. But I think that is hard for us because when we were imperfect in the past we paid for it. Or else we thought if we could be perfect then everything would be fine. I get disturbed at the amount of self hatred I spew into my own head when my failures feel like they're piling up.

tired

When I write it out it seems like nothing. I mean minor. But in the moment I make a big deal out of it.
Maybe that's why I like watching tv especially sitcoms where the character makes mistakes and laughs at them and gets over it.

Kizzie

I was thinking of how I would feel around a personal trainer like you without even knowing you.   Pretty much the same kind of feeling lousy in terms of my body.   I don't think I would even think for a moment that you are busy beating yourself up while I am doing the same because obviously you have it all together being fit while I don't.  I want to get going on the gym, I just feel so much less than the fit people, so conspicuous in my lack that surely everyone can see what I'm feeling, especially a personal trainer whose lifestyle is about being fit.    But if you've got as much going on in your head as I do, perhaps not?

tired

You know I've thought about that whole idea and I decided not to be the typical trainer. I work from home and so the setting is private. I present as a real person who didn't start out as an athletic type. And although I don't make the session about me and I don't like to act like someone who can't function I do show that I understand the struggle. I have to make sure clients don't stand there worrying about me because I realized when I do that they don't feel like I know what doing. A lot of people lost respect for me because that's how they view people with issues. So I hide a lot of things that are current problems and present things that I've overcome. If I mention something that I am working on now I present it cheerfully along with my solution. I make the solution sound like hard work but also satisfying.  Like I might say I wake up early because it's the only way I can get everything done and yeah I end up going to bed early like an old lady. So I'm saying yes I am exhausted with life like everyone else but I found a way to make it work which involved giving up late nights.  I might say jokingly that I turned my obsessive need to clean into a job skill. 

I laugh a lot to show that I'm ok and I say things like we all do what we gotta do. When the client leaves I curl up in a ball and watch tv and eat but I no longer share that information with clients.