Well, hello.

[forgotten]

This is difficult! I am a woman in my late 50s. I feel like I may not "belong" here as I don't have much in the way of memories of specific trauma or abuse, but I have an atypical history and do relate to many - most - of the symptoms of CPTSD. So now I feel like I need to qualify why or ask if I belong here....

The basic facts don't sound so bad, though my childhood was not pleasant. The atmosphere was constantly tense. My father was a functioning alcoholic with dark moods and a volatile temper; his upbringing was one of physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse. My mother was nervous and vicious; she grew up in London during WWII and thus is a Blitzkrieg survivor. Their marriage was hostile and both were occupied with simply trying to survive my father's demons. My brother and I were occupied with trying to not upset either of them. It was not possible to get affection or approval or to avoid criticism. I was always convinced they didn't love or like me or even want me to be around; when I once asked if they loved me they answered that of course they did - they fed, sheltered, and clothed me, didn't they? Somehow that didn't help me feel cared for. All this is kind of a best-of-times scenario but it doesn't account for me.

What I guess might qualify as my symptoms began, as far as I can remember, when I was 5. This was a very stark experience - it's like I began on this day. I woke up with basically no memories and nothing was familiar. However I could remember two dreams (strangely existential  and symbolic nightmares for a child) and two distinct actual memories. I did know a few things, but I didn't know how I knew them - I knew I was in my bedroom though I couldn't recognize anything, I knew I had a brother, I knew a short list of odd facts, and I knew if I went out the hall I'd find a woman who was my mother and she could tell me what I needed to know - I knew there were some things I needed to know and I knew not to let her know why I was asking things and not to mention the dreams. So I found my mother and asked her really basic things including my name and my age, and about the few odd facts and two memories I had. She answered everything but said I was being silly.

I remember seeing people and places I'd "known" all my life - our closest family friends - and being so uncomfortable because I did not recognize or know them at all. And as a child I would suddenly find myself somewhere as if I had *poof* just appeared, and I would have to try to figure out what was going on so I could orientate myself. I also was able, and was aware I was able, to decide to never remember really bad things ever again; after I graduated from highschool I realized this might not be the healthiest way to deal with a situation and decided to never do it again. There has only been one time I remembered one of those things, when my brain pulled it up and told me I had to remember it because it concerned my daughter's safety.

From that day at 5 years old I felt alone and alienated, was horribly shy and could not make friends, excelled at being "invisible", rarely cried and would rather die than let anyone see it, felt that no one else would keep me safe.

And here I am now; the disfunction of my family of origin accounts for some degree of my own disfunction, but I cannot account for my childhood experiences or how deeply and absolutely I am marked, for my inability to simply function; I took the user name "forgotten" because I think I literally have. And this seems really long but I don't know how else to explain it. So, am l right; do I belong here?

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Forgotten 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. Quite a history you have had, and so has your mom in the Blitzkrieg/indiscriminate bombing of London.
I can relate as both my parents grew up in the occupied Netherlands, my mom as a pre-teen/early teen, dad as a teenager/adolescent.
I suspect they both have been affected by war-related trauma (though they have spoken little of it), and passed it on (in part at least) to their kids.
I tell you this not because it would diminish any of their abuse they inflicted on you or me, but since it's well established phenomena that trauma can get passed on to next generations.
We have been dealt a stacked deck. You and I are not to blame.

At OOTS, we welcome members who are dealing with CPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us. To me it sounds your experiences fit quite OK. But you may be the judge of that. You don't have to pass any exam in order to qualify. 
You may decide if you feel OK around here or not.
In any case: you are free to come and go as you please and feel comfortable with.

In the CPTSD Glossary you may find a lot the may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On CPTSD
On Boundaries

One that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness

And last but not least: Guidelines for All Members and Guests

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD,

Dutch Uncle.

[Bimsy]

Welcome Forgotten!

I know the feeling of doubting, in a way I still doubt myself even though I know that some things counts as valid and undeniably true.
I used to try and find things that I know people would recognize as abuse and one of the few things I found was a few years of physical abuse. Later I understood that there also was a lot of mental and emotional abuse going on that I couldn't describe to anyone since I was in the middle of it.

It sounds like you were experiencing derealisation, the feeling of not recognizing your reality.
I've had a similar experience where I came home from my neighbours house and didn't recognize my house as it all looked like it was in a mirror (the left bathroom was to the right and so on).
Feelings like this can be caused by a constant amount of stress, you might also feel that you don't recognize yourself or other people even though you know who they are.

I can also relate to the love thing, my mother wanted to let on that she loved her children but I definitely knew that she hated my personality, as if there was a difference.
Parents might have an idea of how they want to experience their children and thus they block out everything else that doesn't fit in with that image.
I would say that it would be strange if you came out of these experiences undamaged in any way.

If you ever doubt your experiences you can always backtrace the way you feel back to some event where it started, you always feel the way you feel for some reason even though your parents might not recognize this.
But to be robbed of love and validation is surely the way to get CPTSD later on in life. 

[forgotten]

Hello, Dutch Uncle, and thank you.

It sounds like our mothers are very close in age. My mother has also spoken very little of the war, and never about any of the trauma but as though everything was just incidental. I finally recently realized how much of her behavior must stem from this (odd how it was so "normal" to me that I didn't piece things together despite having learned enough to); now it makes sense. My father also did not speak of his experiences, but his family does, and he too had clear cause for his behaviors. It helps knowing that, but hasn't fixed all the effects.

I have looked at the glossary (there's a lot there!),  read the other links you gave - thank you for getting me started -  I will continue to read more.

forgotten

[forgotten]

Hello and thank you, Bimsy.

Oh goodness, the doubting! I doubt I belong, I doubt I'm wanted, liked, or loved, I doubt what I know, I doubt what I'm doing, I doubt I CAN do anything, I doubt whether I feel anything, I doubt that I have a heart, I doubt that I have faith, I doubt I have an excuse for my existence, and the one that frightens me is the doubt I have any excuse for my brokeness.... and yes, doubting even though I know things are, as you say, valid and undeniably true.

I still get a feeling of being surreal, or that I don't exist, which is what it sounds like what you mean by "derealization", but that isn't quite what I was trying to describe about my childhood experiences - I'm unclear on it - I need to learn more and become clear on the meanings and nuances of these all these terms! Thank you for giving me things to think about.

My mother made it concisely clear that nothing about me was what she expected from her child, my father was more general about it. My family dynamics account for a lot of damage, but I often cannot trace things back to events -  I just do not and cannot remember. I encounter in myself an impenetrable wall, a huge black stone megalith, which I sense to be my very core; I feel the thing(s) that made me this way are locked away in it, that I myself am encased and frozen in the middle of it and formed of it, that in the very center is my heart, made of this hard dense cold stone. ( I also feel like this sounds nuts!) It has always been there and always terrified me - I was terrified of what was in it and terrified there was nothing in it - but just recently I find it does not terrify me, I can't say why, but I am feeling rather ambivalent about it. I do, however, have zero interest in knowing what is in it, only in getting me unfrozen and freed.

[tired]

It's hard to accept that your parents hurt you, directly or indirectly, intention or not.  I struggle with it but what helps is asking myself what I should be doing for my kids, as a parent. And in comparison my own childhood looks horrific.

[Bimsy]

You describe your feelings very beautifully, forgotten!
I can relate to the feeling of indifference and coldness, I think it's the feeling we get when everything is too much to handle. We just have to soldier on and deal with the hurt another day.

And about the back tracing: I don't have that many clear memories of abuse either, just a few events that I know was wrong. It often comes to me as a certainty, I know for instance that my mother used to sabotage me when I was trying to learn things in school so that I became too ashamed to even try.
Though I don't really remember that many events, just the knowledge of what she thought of me, how she despised and looked down on me for not being enough or knowing enough.
And of course her impatience that made it impossible to think.

I kind of puzzle the pieces together into what I think must have happened, based on what I know about her and how I felt about her opinions of me.