Hi, everyone

[tesscaline]

Hi.

I'm Tess.

I thought, for a long time, that I had my illness managed and that I was doing well at healing.  But this year has been a wreck of a year, and I'm realizing that I'm not as "better" as I thought I was.  There has been a lot of loss, for me, recently.  And it's triggered all my abandonment and trust issues.  I've been in near constant flashback states for the past few months, without being entirely aware of it, and it's caused me to lash out at my partner of 10 years in ways that are now breaking our relationship.  I'm realizing that I have been dependent upon him to give me all the things I did without as a child, provide all the emotional support, safety, and stability that I needed, instead of working on learning how to provide those things for myself.  And I have been horrible to him when he finally just couldn't provide them anymore. The decline of that relationship -- the first relationship where my needs ever came close to being met -- has just intensified the abandonment issues, and I'm having a really hard time staying functional.

I've been seeking help, since realizing.  I've started therapy again, and I'm seeking medication support as well.  I even joined an in-person support group.  And I found this place, too.  So there's that, right?   

[woodsgnome]

Tesscaline, it might sound trite or simplistic, but as you say, "I've been seeking help"...so the most important step you needed to find has been taken. It's rarely a sprint to the answers we'd like to find from that first venture into the dark, but you've had the courage to take it.    Some never get even that far. 

Trouble is, all the next steps are scary, too...but one will never make it without accepting them as well. Always the questions seem daunting and can bring on more fear, but oddly it seems the only way. Some call this "living the questions". Yet it's especially disheartening after, as you say,
"I thought, for a long time, that I had my illness managed and that I was doing well at healing." 

We might even be pleasantly surprised at what we discover, once we get past that first hesitant step. I've experienced an intriguing twist in repairing some of my inner child's needs recently. It's a long story so I won't bore you with the details, but it rather shocked me (in a good way) as to how it happened and how it improved my sense that maybe--just maybe--I can stumble into something else as helpful as that was. 

You've shown the willingness and strength to step onward. So take that as a huge plus as your journey unfolds.       

[tesscaline]

Thanks

I don't feel very courageous at the moment, but you're right.  Seeking help, despite it all being so scary, is a huge deal and I should be proud of myself for that.  I try to remind myself that if I wasn't strong, if I wasn't brave, I wouldn't have made it even this far.  Sometimes it's easier to do than others, though.

[Dutch Uncle]

I've been seeking help, since realizing.  I've started therapy again, and I'm seeking medication support as well.  I even joined an in-person support group.  And I found this place, too.  So there's that, right?   

Hi Tess  ,
Right! There's that! Well done.
I hope and wish this place and community will be of help as well as the other branching out you are doing.

Welcome! 

I try to remind myself that if I wasn't strong, if I wasn't brave, I wouldn't have made it even this far.

You bet!